too little thought vs too much thought...

thinking too much is not being thoughtful. thinking little is not necessarily thoughtless.....

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today i brought S1 for her mris at ttsh. S1 is now almost mid 60. I have a very soft spot for her, and have undertaken to see to her major needs. In that sense lp is 'relieved' of it, and most feel i shouldnt do so. But of all the next generation, actually lp had it the hardest. And serving in the kitchens of restaurants/hotels is very hard work. But that was the best that she could make out for herself of all the opportunities that i have given her.

Its hard to describe S1. Actually no one really talks to her apart from me. There was a period one of them did, but i guess, it was because of some other reason. Not for the care of her. In my guaging, S1 is most likely low in intellect ability, and it didnt help that she lost hearing in one ear when young. There had been indication that it could have been caused by being slapped. Quite probable actually.

Her intellect limitations may have been seen as a handicap, but sometimes, i marvel at her. She dutifully comes to sk's place every monday for our 'family' dinner, even though there are very little exchange of words among us. Things have come back to what it was before....i.e. what the actual state of relations were that had been when mum was around. I am still the only one that have contact with each of them almost weekly, but not between them.

She practically lives alone, as lp is hardly in. Yet she does not complain about it. She has some 'friends' from community centre, and goes out on her own to walk around. She is ok that I dont take her out and never expect me to. I just dislike shopping around for the sake of it, and that made me distant from the women in the family.

I drive her back every week from sk's place, and fetched her for all her major medical, like today. She doesnt complain too much about her medical ailments, partly cos she doesnt seem to understand that much, and hence worry less? Her blood pressure had been high and permanently on medication, which in turn led to kidney weakness, functioning at 40% or so. She was also very short-sighted, and one eye is practically not seeing. But she carries on with her few words, and does not seem perturbed. If she gets referral letters to hospitals, she just summon me with them, always expecting me to be free. And i obliged without fail. When I was working, I took leave. She is important to me. It is hard to explain she is my sister, since we are related only by mum, and our names do not show it.

Actually, i am not quite certain why she has to do the mri. Even the consultant cant say why, except to play safe since she was referred by polyclinic and symptoms are all non-speciific. I went through my mris this year in March, and I was very unrestful over the whole episode. I questioned every part, and really, didnt want to go through it. To me, all these technology which men calls advances do not impress me, and really I am not for them at all. I only agreed finally to have them done, because at that point, I did worry about being a liability if the spinal issues should cause me to lose mobility in the long run. That is a responsibility that I cant neglect. And there were also other implications.  I know, because of my being on my own, I need to plan, not merely not to be a burden in the event of being out of action, also to take care of things I want to take care of. Thankfully things had taken a turn for the better.

S1 doesnt think that much. She just obeys instructions to procedures. I dont even know if lp knows she is going through this. As long as I am handling for her, S1 just leave it to me. She doesnt need comforting or assuring. She just need to know I will fetch her and be punctual.  I did ask her after the mri was done whether she was scared. She said yes, a little because it was very noisy. I noticed that when the medical personnel (who I must say I was impressed with her kindness), led her in, she readily held on to her arm. I thought just like a child. In that sense, I am so unlike her. My distrustfulness led me to appear distant, unfriendly, and sometimes even aggressive. I am only at ease with the kids....i realise i find it hard to trust adults, except for those who had shown me kindness over a period of time. I only realised this recently.

Sometimes, its a blessing not to think too much. I wondered if it was because S1 knew she had me to take care of things, and that allowed her not to think as well since all she need to do is to pass to me. If I have someone that I can do the same, would I be like her? I know I wont. I will worry if I am a burden, whether the person has too much on his/her plate, how I can try to relieve the person etc etc. I would over-prepare, and prepare for the worse.

One could say S1 is not thoughtful. In a way, yes, that has always been her weak point. But I dont think it is deliberate. Her lack of cognitive ability make it difficult for her to consider that others may have difficulties. So, she may be seen as 'demanding' in her expectations. But I personally feel her expectations are low, and easy to accommodate, and she is really easy to look after. I dont bother to explain to the rest why I am doing all these for her.

The results will be out next week. Her unquestioning frame makes things alot easier. All I need to do is to arrange timing to meet. Her being what she is also gives me a restful peace of mind. Take things as it comes. Dont worry ahead.

Before she alighted at her place, she said, thank you. It is not her practice to say that. It does make one thinks that she takes things for granted. Whether she does or not, doesnt matter to me. So her thanking me was really a surprise. I guess, it must be more of an ordeal than the other medical appointments, and i guess, she appreciated being taken care of .

Thinking little is sometimes a blessing. I should learn, and am learning, not to think too much. Truly, sufficient for the day is the evil thereof.