thoughts (I) : Learning experiences

there had been plenty of thoughts over the past weeks, many of which i should have pen them down. but i didnt. i must make it a habit to do so since retention is really not as it was before. there were thoughts on equality/inequality; marriage and non-marriage; leadership and non-leadership; who we listen to, and when we listen.......all through observations......These areas alone span a wide spectrum....hope somehow i will gather the thread of thoughts
 
for the moment, i am trying to break inertia and start writing more regularly. what's on my mind is learning and factors affecting learning: motivation, attitude, will, personal strengths and limitations, readiness to learn.

people jump to conclusion very quickly with respect to how another learn, very often influenced by their own experience. a poor listener and a myopic vision make a non-ideal teacher. a lack of self-awareness and clarity of purpose of learning make a non-ideal learner.

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i am merely writing from the viewpoint of my  owm personal learning experiences... i have made a start to pick up swimming last week....
 
as a kid, i was branded poor/weak in health, bad in coordination, dumb in recognising right and left, bad handwriting, untidy. despite having the privilege to have swimming lessons, i hardly learn to swim. sk was always favoured and always had the attention. she could draw, she could play the piano, she could pick up swimming, she could dance. honestly, i wasnt jealous. but, i always wished i could be good in those areas. it wasnt that i wasnt interested. but when you couldnt do it, and the result is so far from what your mind would want, its easier to hide behind and dont do it. actually i really wanted to do it. yes, even to do a graceful dance.
 
in the painful downsittings spanning 2002- 2007 where i totally didnt know what to do with myself, i started picking up things to keep my mind occupied. when i learn something, there has got to be a reason which must serve as a strong motivation. then only would i have the will power to really set my mind on learning.
 
 knitting was the first. why? because of these words in the Scriptures,
" that their hearts might be comforted, being knit together in love, and unto all riches of the full assurance of understanding, to the acknowledgement of the mystery of God, and of the Father, and of Christ; "
 
i wanted to know why the word 'knit' is used, and what it should be among brethren. for months, there were days that i just knit day and night, to pick up the skill, to pass time....i knitted till my fingers ache. i saw how the stitches inter-weave together to make a finished item..... but how to translate that to the hearts of brethren, i dont know. i remained in semi-solitude save for very few......

and in particular i remembered a very very dear friend and sister from my schooldays that i have knitted a scarf for....if i have one final wish, it is to meet this dear friend again......
 
then i picked up the flute. because music is wordless.......because words fail in the depths....... i love the sound of the flute. i wanted to play the few poignant pieces..... . so the western flute i picked up on my own, a few lessons with the chinese flute.....it was not easy though i did get to play the tunes i wanted.
 
then, piano and art. both were failures in my childhood. both, which i wish i could do. especially art, because i failed it without fail....and my 'art-work' was the butt of rather cruel jokes....funny to others, but actually not to me....though i laughed with them....  so, i did learn art for 3-4 months with a very good teacher and i did sketch tiger and brownee....that was a joy to me. i will pick it up again one day. in the end, i got furthest with piano, clearing grade 3 in 2007 and grade 5 in 2009, and hopefully more this year.....
 
then, driving, because i saw it was impossible for me to do a masters at nie with the travelling if i don't drive. i know my limitations very well, poor coordination, very weak sense of direction and once i decide to give it a go, i did alot to ensure i make it, and that if i do so, i must be a safe driver. driving is a responsibility, first of all, to others, then to yourself. in 5 months, i put in more than 120 hours of lessons. it cost a big bomb, but i wasnt taking any risk. so, i got my licence in end 2007. only those who knew me well from before knew what a feat this is, for me.....

then, doing the masters.....academic and reading is somehow a part of me, so that was really more discipline that i needed to enforce...and still need to.....

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honestly, being a non-activity person, 'sports' is really not part of my world, though i do enjoy watching kids in games and competitions. actually, i was a hyper active kid. but whatever 'games' i tried to play, i never crossed even the beginners stage.  i remembered there was a kiddy  'catching game' called hoppity hop where you catch others by hopping. i knew i was not wanted in any team because i was louzy. my 'best friend' at that time was a very atheletic girl who was very popular. so anyone who wanted her in their team, would take me along. it was sad, but i liked to play, so i was happy to be accepted so i can play. I could hardly hit the shuttle cock in badminton, and the pingpong in table tennis, or catch the ball in basketball. rather sad, because i did so want to play those games....

sporty people take all these for granted....and people assumed those who are non-sporty chose to be so....coordination dont come easy to everyone....and people laughed at others for their being clumsy, not realising that is actually a form of 'disability' in learning......

its the same when people assumed those who failed maths dont like math. that is not true......
 
with swimming, well after a few lessons that lasted a few weeks (i think i was about 9 then), i could swim some sort of breast stroke but only as long as the breath held out. no one actually took any notice of my progress/lack of progress. honestly, i think i was really an aside most of the time....anyway, swimming activity stopped with the downturn at home and the beginning of many more trouble. then at 11, attending a classmate's birthday party, i did what i shouldnt have, attempt to 'swim'. she must be very rich, cos she had a swimming pool at her place. at that time, very very few had such means.  

i thought i could swim. for a short while. then the inevitable happened. i drowned.  i didnt realise the pool was not uniform in depth, and that the middle part of the pool was the deepest and i couldnt stand. i was pulled out unconcious. the only time in my life that i knew i fainted. i remembered that feeling of opening my eyes, and seeing faces round me, and i called their names...i wanted them to know, i am alive! but i dont think they understood what was in my mind..... my friend's father said, a little later, i would not have made it.
 
that afternoon, when i got back home, i had to attend chinese tuition. i didnt dare tell anyone at home. i could be beaten up if mum knew....and that already happened too often.... I already felt really awful, sick in my stomach, with a whirling head. And i stuck it through without a word. At eleven. So, yes, i sometimes wonder what mettle the present generation is made of.
 
the impact of the drowning was very deep, not with water. but with the close brush with death. i could remember vividly as i gasped for breath in the water, trying to get help by pulling at swimmers that swam past above me, and realising that i may die in the pool, wondering what mum and dad would take it when they get the news that i am gone.......i remembered giving up, resigned to die and fainted. that i think probably saved me, because i think that helped me float.
 
 this is the first time in my life, that i relate that incident in detail. the impact of possible death hit me very hard. the weight in my soul was heavy but i couldnt talk to anyone. At any point in life, such an impact would be immense. At eleven, in the midst of dark turbulence at home, that mark in the soul cannot be understood by many. i am grateful to have been saved then, that i may receive the knowledge and understanding of salvation in the days to come.

i never went to the pool again until nus days. but i still couldnt swim. when i mentioned that i had drowned, people assumed that i had developed water phobia. actually, i didnt. that is their assumption. i am fully aware i drowned not because of water. but because i didnt have the requisite skill. i dont float well. those who tried to 'teach' me swimming concluded that my buoyancy is poor, my back is not straight, and i also thought that was the reason.

there were a few enthusiastic 'friends' who somehow were so confident that they could teach me to do the things i couldnt, like swimming, cycling, and even playing squash. of course all failed, and left me even more convinced of my hopelessness in coordination and balance. their confidence was probably due to their own ability.

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why swimming at this stage? over the past months, i have been repeatedly told that swimming and cycling are the best exercises for the back. zh kept telling me that even if i cant swim, just doing exercise in the pool would help. actually, zh has really been a good physician in many ways. honestly, i didnt quite see why these 2 activities which i dont do is mentioned so often, until finally in a conversation with cl and kuech 2 weeks ago, that i finally understood. and cl told me her mum manage to pick up swimming, so why cant i? good point. kuech wasnt so convinced that it could be picked up so late in life.  

i am not a person that needs company to do something. actually, i rather like my own company. :) Neither do i need cajoling. I need to see the reason why. Once it clicked, and the will sets in, that is all i need. so, once i decided, i embarked on it.

to learn anything, the learner must be 'engaged'. whether by self-motivation or by motivation from instructor. thankfully, i am not a person that depends on motivation from instructor, though i do require clear and good instuctions. urm, my swimmng instructor is  very 'aunty-like'....interesting. :) whatever, i found alot of good you-tubes with helpful tips, and that helped me to make progress on my own.

so yes, i felt a sense of elation after 2 lessons, and a third on my own (after understanding all the physics reasoning), i could float and do some whiplash kick without any aid. what seemed really a non event to most, is to me, very significant. everything is relative. it is not being able to float/swim. in terms of actual swimming, i am not there yet.


but it is the overcoming, in this case, not merely overcoming an area of weakness.....also a childhood nightmare..... and overcoming on my own....there is an inward joy....... that shadow is finally chased away......

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on a closing note, i believe one would make a better teacher by taking on learning something that one is not good at, even what one lacks interest in..... only when you have to overcome personal handicaps, inner obstacles and finally come out of the tunnel, that self-awareness of the various hurdles to cross would help one really feel with the learners......