mid april....content

in no time, it is the middle of yet another month, and a third of the year is almost gone, and time seems to just fly past...

i cant say that the year has been fruitful at all. unexpectedly, the escalating of pain and discomfort became the focus from the start of the year and reached its peak somewhat in feb and march. And at one point, things took a serious twist and didnt seem too bright. But, thankfully, there has been a turning point, and am now progressing well, many thanks also to the excellent tcm physician, whose medical ethics and skill i greatly respect, and who treat the root cause, and not symptoms. I feel I am more than 70% out of the woods, but the physician was more cautious. Whatever, i will take advice and not be foolhardy.

another good thing that came out of this episode is, i am finally taking note of many health points which i have always taken liberties. So now, i take pains to ensure I put in at least 20 minutes of exercise time, usually more. And have changed many of my eating habits to include more healthy and nutritious food regularly. In fact, I hardly eat out except on special occasions to meet up with friends.

And yes, by now, i am actually much healthier and in a better state than i have been for years. This is totally unexpected! i do ensure i keep up the strict regime to ensure I dont fall back to what it had been. Discipline may not be my strength, but I know, the chain is as strong as its weakest link. And discipline is doing what one has to do, not what one wants to do.

yes, it feels good to be healthy. there had been really dark clouds in past weeks. There had been times that it was distressful, when the aches and pain seemed interminable, and one's routine is much hampered, and it was bewildering.

Was it harder because i was alone? I am not sure about that. Actually there is strength in being alone. I neednt worry about troubling others or causing worry to others. In that sense, i rather prefer to be alone and clarify the course i need to take. It taught me to think ahead, to take steps to help myself and to push forward. That is not to say i do not take advice from professionals whom i can respect.

I know this physical body will perish some day, so it wasnt the fear that it would reach an end. Actually, I look forward to that end. This, I am again grateful to say, from the depth of my soul, I know, the Lord is my Shepherd, i shall not want. It is when one is alone walking through deep waters that one learn to discern between body, soul and spirit.

Though it has been distressful to be physically unwell, it is nothing compared to being sick in the soul and spirit. A broken spirit, who can bear? One tend to get sympathy when one is physically afflicted, because that can be seen. But it is the inward, affliction, invisible to others, in the face of external facade of normalcy that brings deepest anguish. I am grateful that period that spanned decades is finally buried and in the past. I have finally walked out of it.

I hope the upward slope will be maintained, and I should be starting on the dissertation and hope to finish it within the next 3-4 months.

And really till then, there are no other plans. And of course, I need to work for my Grade 6 piano exam. :) Cant say i am confident to pass, but i will give it a good go. I do want to press forward in this area.

I admit i have always been a person that do need a plan, a route, a sense of 'mission', and plan things way in advance. Now, I am content to pass the day placidly with non-events. Its also true, that on the whole, i keep most people at arm's length especially in trying times. Ls , ky and ld are exceptions. I look forward to the occasional gathering with some ex-colleagues, like yesterday. It was really refreshing to have that sense of common ground in the love of teaching, and of maths in particular. I feel contented to have people of the same mind in this respect. And the rest of the time, I look forward to hearing from one or the other of the kids that had been part of my life. I am content.

Whether or not, there will be any difference or any thing of significance ahead, is not important. Now that I have made alot of gain and feel the blessing of health, I am thankful and content.