second week into 2013

The two rooms are beginning to look nice. Well, at least, i know no one will have the same design as mine, since i have made it unique. :)

There is still quite abit of packing to do, though the major ones are done, thanks to kt and j that helped see to that on wed. They have really been the impetus to help me get things going. Some bits and pieces can wait. I am not a perfectionist.  Its still going to be busy the next few weeks, I am somehow slow, but that things are in place is a big consolation.

I looked back now and wondered how I managed to clear all the stuff at rv, built up over 20 years, cleared mum's place with stuff accumulated over 50 years, got this place which is really providential to be so near sk, and complete the coursework of my masters as well.

Someone asked me why i take so long to settle in, unpacking only after 2 years. I marvelled that I managed to do it at all!

As it is, I am very grateful, not just to the blss boys that had helped me tremendously over this phase. I am thankful for the steady friendship and companionship of many people, which had helped me tide over the tunnel over the last four years, many of whom are nushs friends, and kids, especially during the interim period. I am particularly grateful to ws, who really encouraged me to be forward looking and spent time with me seeing to the initial necessities. , vl and angeline's support at a critical time, ld's faithful companionship, and dc helping out with all computer and internet matters so that I can get on with my masters in the chaos.

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there are quite abit to update over the week....

first of all, my first exercise of the year.

 kuech contacted me when she is back from her trip...actually she has really been good, keeping regular tabs on me, without pushing it...got me out for lunch, and at her persuasion, joined her and cl for their regular macritchie walk. So I finally trekked 10km with them. I probably slowed them down, but they accommodated. There is alot of comfort level with people you grow up with. Helpful also that cl is a doc, so gives practical advice over some issues.

They are trying to get me to be regular.... will think about it....it is actually a luxury to have the time to do it...Getting there, the walk, breakfast at kuech's place usually means the whole morning is gone. I guess i am not used to this kind of pace, but, i should adjust?

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O level results

It was not good, though not a tragedy. To be honest, I partly expected it, but was hoping it wont be this way. When i saw the papers, and talked to the kids after the papers, I knew they did not grasp many testing points. Most cleared the hurdle, but not with the best of grades.

Was I disappointed? Not for myself. For the kids. And i supposed to the administration that had hoped to see much better results. Well, i would be the convenient scapegoat for  accountability. Not that that bothers me at all.

But actually, i felt, this is a fair result. No teacher should be seen to be miracle producer. The foundation was hardly in existence, the class size was so big, 2 classes of 39 kids, the variation was so wide, and the attitude, well, seriously the mentality of many of the kids stunned me. To be honest, I didnt feel many of them deserve to do well for their effort. I knew I worked harder than most of them.They were really very different from the blss group I took, but it was a much smaller group, only 19. I was taking 4 times more. Time just wasnt on my side.

Everyone must learn, one reaps what one sows. And the ground that you sow is important.

However, i still felt very bad. Quite a few of the kids did message me after they got over their disappointment, and their messages were touching. Very. For their sake, I would wish I could do more to help them. Most mentioned that they will always remember that I didnt give up on them. And my wish remains, that they will never give up on themselves whatever the outcome.

If education is not to teach one to press on, never to give up, to keep learning, then something is wrong. To equate learning with grades is really an insult to humanity. To make comparisons so as to get to a higher platform is odious.

I hope the kids will grow up, and keep working hard for their future ahead...

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tw and dj's visit.

tw and dj were my tuition kids in 2003. For each of them, I taught 5 members of their family. Both are in australia, and for tw, i had not seen her for 5 years. She is in her 4th year of medic. I was really quite pleased to hear from her toward end of last year when she ran into dj in australia. So this visit was planned.

It was an enjoyable meetup. We chatted till 11 plus. We have alot in common in thinking, and it is a good session. Ten years. It is really lovely to see them and see their growth and development.

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Commissioning of 403 kids

i didnt go, but my heart is with them, and proud of them, stuart, bernard, aikann. Very proud of them. :)


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Visit mum and dad

At the start of every year, is the remembrance of their passing. Dad on 15 jan 1999, mum on 8 feb 2010.

We went today. Alot, alot of thoughts. Dad's passing is 14 years. Yet, the pain is deep.  And I also know I am alone in feeling this. Mainly because, he has been so taken for granted. Whether in life, or in death. Mum always had the attention.

I had noted in life, the one that appears vulnerable, is always the one that is more protected. The one who cries is always the one that gets the consolation.

I made a deliberated choice. I 'sacrificed' dad because I had limited resources, and I didnt give dad the best as I need to reserve to take care of mum. I gave mum the best, and she knew it. She said to sk that i am 'rich'. She didnt realise how much i put aside to ensure that she gets the best private treatment. I never went on holidays, and except for the piano, i never expended on anything branded on myself.

But I also knew I did that partly because, dad always wanted the best also....sst was bitter about that.... and i didnt have the heart to tell him that she was bitter. I cant blame her because, well, i had to apologise for our existence. As it is, she was very nice and decent to me. I couldnt afford what he was used to....and at that time....

And I also knew, at one point, I was also bitter, because things were so hard. Why didnt he think of it before he had us? To be independent from 16 sounds good. Many can say, you are so strong. Did you know the cost?

And sk and I also knew we never measured up to sst in dad's heart. She was the daughter he loved most and whom he is proud of. We always felt we were not good enough. When i did get first in standard of the school one year, it was, by luck. So, well, it wasnt easy. Not for me, who really tried hard to please. But i agree that sst is formidable. i respect her capability which is far above mine.

The pain remains because, dad did loved me, and the only one that did. My childhood was really a nightmare. Dad did ease it.  In a world of lovelessness, that means alot. It was the only love that I ddint have to 'win over'. I had to with mum, and with the rest of the family.

So, I will live with this pain. I failed in many areas, where I could have given him comfort in his latter days. In the circumstances then, i did do what i could, but it really was too little....

There are things we lived with, in our conscience to the end of our days. It is for this reason that I keep reminding kids having difficult times at home not to be too hard on their parents....

The annual visit came and passed.... mum and dad remain in my heart....