steps...

moving on requires taking steps....as long as there is life.....one has to move on.

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i remember a day thirty years ago, 2 friends came to my place on a saturday afternoon. The couple was my seniors, who were the closest to me then, both from the engineering faculty. It was a surprise visit. I was giving tuition to a few kids at home and I rarely have visitors. They returned after my tuition ended. 

I didnt know then that the result of the supplementary exams came out that morning. The results were expected  the following week. At that time, results were pasted on the notice board. If your name was there, you cleared. If not, it meant you have to repeat the entire year.

I remembered they came in and sat quietly at the sofa. Then the chap said, the results came out. i looked at both of them. and said, i didnt clear. They didnt reply.

I was sitting facing the gate then. It was a fine day, a hot sunny day. I can still remember so vividly the thought that passed through my mind then,  how come there were no streaks of lightning, no clapping of thunder,  no outpouring of rain? In the shows, whenever there was a tragic scene, it would be a dark, stormy day. My world had turned into darkness,  but without, everything was still so bright and cheery. Why?

i was wordless and tearless. thats me.

Its strange, but that instant, was starkly imprinted in my mind. Even at that moment, I saw clearly and understood, when things crashed for one, the world goes on as usual for others, who can be totally oblivious to the devastation of other beings ..... Perhaps that is why, i am more sensitive to and perceptive of inner worlds of wordless people.

That night was one of the longest night in my life, hearing the bitter exchange of words between mum and dad. I had to pick the broken pieces all on my own....it was not merely the failure, it was also the most painful heartbreak......

somehow, somehow, i walked through that dark year, alone....

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It takes courage to look back, to as far back as 30 years...and...faced many things....sometimes it requires time for one to be honest to oneself....

I have taken steps over the past ten days after months of total standstill.... small steps, not firm steps, but still they are steps.

The warmth and consideration extended from a few quarters are appreciated. i dont know how steep the climb would be, and how long it would take, whether it can be sustained, what the end will be....

I only know,  I have taken steps... steps that hopefully will beat a path out....