december 2012

its been some time since i last posted. it isnt that i hadnt written or posted. a few were kept as drafts. one or two were taken down after posting.

this is the first time in my life that i have no 'work' worries to occupy my mind. and no one to look after. i knew after mum was gone that i had to face this period. of nothingness ahead. i held on to work for as long as i could. i knew it was a risk to let go what was stable. but i also know i need to face myself. and better sooner than later.... there are many unfaced issues within myself.

when u have no motivation,nothing ahead...it is not easy. 

especially because, that which had driven me all my life, no longer holds, mum, teaching, and ........

Rudyard Kipling's 'If' has this:

"If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:"
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;"

i never gambled. but i never held back all i had for anything i did. there was a period, from the start to the end, it had cost me twenty years. how do i connect back?  that was what rv had stood for.

well, at least i never had bitterness. sadness yes. but not bitterness.

that i think is really a blessing. because i remember always the suffering of the Lord. religious platitudes are meaningless if it is not within you.

================================

i dont like to take photographs. partly because i dislike looking at myself. even in the mirror. but mainly because i hated 'memories'. actually it was the kids that had made me 'love life' to some extent.

i also am very good at sealing things well in my mind. i can block out long periods and not look at it. whether thats good or bad, i dont know. alot of things has no closure. decisions are not closure.

i loved reading as a kid.  i read hundreds of books from 10-15. I stopped when things got too bad at home, and there is no space left for this luxury. in the books, i have my escapism. just like tv shows. i weaved plenty of dreams from the stories i read, and from shows that i liked. the dreams i had woven were always to do with a sense of mission. never about material or success. and of course always having people who care together. i realised i had wanted to live those dreams. but i have ceased. a long time ago.

for the past weeks,  time drifted by.... slipping past through passive indulgences, seemingly mindless, yet not quite.

in the seeming passivity, observing lives depicted in the stories of fictional characters.......issues, deep issues sealed.... some over decades surfaced in the mind..... first vaguely familiar. then clearly......

 ......there were so many parallel scenarios....i had to pause and face them.........sufficient time has passed for me to turn round and faced them....perhaps it was a lack of courage for me to face them before.... but i had sealed them so tightly.... i didnt expect them to surface....

i never forgot mum's last days. the names she called out in her semi consciousness were not names we knew. i learnt from that ~  u can suppressed all u like. but they are still there.

in facing them, u know who mattered, who didnt. why they mattered, and why they didnt. in some ways,

it is like reliving the pain. but this perhaps, facing it could be the healing process.

=============================

actually among the things that surfaced, is dad. i had always wanted to write about dad. more than mum.

because i think in my life, the only one that loved me in my family from my birth, was dad.

he was the only one whose love i never needed to earn. he loved me for all that i was, unloveable.

i remembered in hanoi, when i went into the girls' room to get something, one of them asked me, ms c, why are u not married. i remembered being taken aback by the question. it was a sincere question, not a probing question. and the answer that i gave them also took me by surprise. i said, i was looking for someone that i never found,  someone like dad.

dad loved unconditionally. that is true love.  but he made too many mistakes.  it was very very sad. thanks to the 'system of religion' that bounded me, i could do so little for him. and it remained the deepest regret of my life. for years after his death, i would get recurring nightmares, of seeing him in pain and i couldnt help him. with mum, i had that nightmare too, but less. i have always put mum before dad. but it was dad that loved me.

childhood was so painful. tragic. which in turn affected life.

visited j2 last week to see R after her op. j2 asked me why i still kept up cny eve lunch given the way things are. i guess no one understood why i still did it. not that anyone really cared, or even thankful someone still made effort to keep some semblance of family ties.

i replied, that would be what mum wanted. mum followed dad because of her children.And dad loved mum and brought up her children as his own, and did everything for them. For what he did, for what mum wanted, for their sakes, for semblance of 亲情, i kept ties.

the question remained in my mind. should i be in need, which of these ties can i call? everyone always said i am so independent ans strong. the irony is,  if i wasnt, who can i depend? if i couldnt depend on any when i was a kid, can i depend on any at all? if mum and dad couldnt depend on any of them, could i?

yes, its when u are alone, that u think, what is family? for all i have given, well, i guess, i knew all along.

===========================

 for this moment,  i have alot to be thankful. despite my shutting myself in, there had been people, friends who cared. i also know there are a few who genuine want to help and it is i that had kept them at bay. kuech and cl had been worried at my silence. they hadnt been able to get me out. i dont know what to say because these are friends of 4 decades old. i couldnt hide. so i chose not to meet them. i finally agreed to meet kuech for a concert this week.

i just need time. to face what i need to face, that i didnt since ten years ago, and since mum left. work had been a very good detractor. but now no longer.
 
so yes, i will walk through the tunnel....it is still some distance to the end.....i think i will come through.....

==========================
in another 2 weeks or so, this blog would have reach  4 years. this started because i needed a place to write. the years with the kids were the warmest part of my life. with them, i didnt mind taking photos. they brought to life a part of me. ..at least some lovely memories.

in my very first post of this blog, i wrote, perhaps someday i will write a book. and the book would be on papa. i probably wouldnt. because it would be too painful.

whether writing will ease the pain remains to be seen....at least it is my one faithful companion, in my aloneness.

at least, in writing, i can be me.