Overcoming.

It had been my intent to update yesterday because it was a special day. Except i was too tired and unwell. But it was to me, a day of overcoming tremendous odds, both accumulated for years, accumulated over months, acculmulated over the few weeks, and the final great obstacle leading to my piano exam.
 
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It was with a great sense of jubilation, very great sense indeed that I walked out of the Yamaha studio, having completed the Grade 6 Practical Exam. It isnt that it went very well. Nope, I fumbled and slipped in many areas that I shouldnt, although I had practices countless times. My aural and sight reading were never strong, so I am just aiming for bare pass. Could and should have done much better for the scales because I really knew all of them well.  And I really practiced hard for the pieces, though the dexterity isnt really there for the fast piece....and consistency is again never my strength....and with tension...well, that's exam for you.
 
But the jubilation is not whether I cleared or not. It is that, I overcome another hurdle. To those muscially inclined, talented, dexterous, you can never imagine how one with little sense of rhythm, and worse, with hand-eye coordination issues plus the drawbacks of age scale such a huge mountain.
 
When I first picked up piano, it is only for the purpose of being able to play simple tunes that I like. How it progressed through the levels is really the credit of Chris, my music teacher. At the same time, as a teacher, I also know the learner needs to apply his/her own metacognition, to understand how to overcome himself/herself. I have always quoted, A chain is as strong as its weakest link. And to strengthen the weak link, we got to know our strength and use it to support and improve the weak. What I really couldnt do, I will come back, reduce it to very small steps, and work at it. Chris is good in that, most of the time, she could point out a wrong positioning, an alterantive way etc. But ultimately, the learner must realise and work on them himself/herself.
 
But, even then, when mum was gone, alot went with it. I lost interest and motivation in everything. Stop, start, stop, and start again feb this year. In fact, I specifically said to Chris, I wont take anymore exams. She accepted it.
 
The first start, I will still thank Aaron Yap. Somehow seeing him everyday when I took 508 that semester was such an encouragement to see his grit and fight and love of music. He just reminds me of music itself. And I love attending all the recitals at nushs, when i was invited.
 
Then the ultimate low of low over nov-dec last year. A low, i wasnt even sure i could climb out. In taking the risk to leave nushs, I wanted to face myself, and what i had to face of the past. And yes, by the great mercies and grace of God, I came through. It took a great toll on my health, again another new low there.....
 
Chris was totally taken aback when I resumed lesson after a month, I said to her, since I have more or less learnt at least one piece from one section, and this is the last year i can use this syllabus, lets sign up for the exam. At that time, I did nothing with the scales and have totally forgotten them. She never managed to get me to practice though she kept nagging me. That was the last week of registration actually. And she allowed it.
 
I cant say why i wanted to take the exam. It is a goalpost to pull myself up. Not to take a sloppy attitude with music lessons. To try to improve on some techniques. To work on my own self-motivation. To move forward positively. And at that time, I didnt realise that the aches and pains were not as simple as i thought. And when things seemed that it could be really bad, I told myself, lets just fulfil the dream first. But it had turned out better and recovery was good. Then, it was Chris turn for an operation. And thankfully, it had worked out for good too.
 
The lessons the last two months were rather tense. I knew she was not happy with me. She said she would never enrol any student who is not prepared at the point of registration. She never had any student that failed, I only realised then. In my last 2 exams, she had told me to try, and not worry about failure. I knew she was disappointed that i didnt get at least a merit which she thought I should. But I was working 12 hours at nushs daily then. It was not possible for any practice.
 
This time round, its really not easy, as it is now advanced grade. The possibility of failure is there. She would not comment every time I asked her, can pass right? She would say, you need to practice. Then I will assure her cheerfully, I will practice. I will pass one. I wont break your record. She didnt smile back. O well. I knew why. I was stuck at a few areas, and she saw it as serious.
 
Less than three weeks before the exam, fitting in 2 extra lessons, i was playing worse especially for my worst piece. The remaining strategy left is to learn off my heart. I only learnt off one piece, and that she said was my best piece. Changing strategy last minute is always dangerous. But I told myself, if I tell my students, that practice can do it, I must prove it. That day I went back, and played it till I remembered it. Even then, I knew too well, what can happen in an exam.
 
I planned my schedule such that I would be able to put in very intensive practice the last 3 days leading to the exam on Friday. Alas, my sister had slipped disc and that was more urgent to attend to. I did feel unwell and very tired, but thought it was just lack of rest. Tues, I knew I had an infection, but my kids were having prelims, I really need to put them first. So tuition lasted till 10pm. I knew somehow something was not right.
 
Wed early morning, I lost my voice and there was so much green phlegm. Then as the hours of the morning crept on, I begin to realise it may not be just sore throat....i was shivering. I didnt have a thermometer, but i thought it should be on the high side. I was increasingly unwell.....then I took a risk, and drove down to the tcm clinic while I could. Once I reached, I seriously, couldnt remember much. I was running 40degrees. and with the chills and nausea, I really was half delirous. But I knew i reached a safe place. I have grown to trust zh and his wife in their medical ethics and care for patients. Not that I realise i was running that high fever till they measured.
 
Without medication, just by acupuncture and by 'letting out blood', and rest, the shivers subsided, and the temperature came down. They did insist on getting medication into me finally even though I was worried of throwing up in the clinic. He said, throwing up will do you good. But I didnt. He did think if I had gone to hospital, I would need to be on the drip, and suggested I see a western doc if the fever persists. I told him i intended to see a western doc to certify my sore throat since exam was on friday. He wasnt worried about the voice part. It seems the tcm medication can handle that.
 
Anyway, I dont know how I manage to regain my sense of balance, to drive back. He really thought I shouldnt, but my nephews were not able to help out at that time, and I didnt want to ask others who had alot on their plate already, and worse, pass the infection to them. It was really a feat. I knew I could be in control. I wont take risk on the road. I just needed to get my energy together to focus. The good thing about tcm is, it does not make you drowsy. In fact, actually, it does help to clear your mind.
 
 It was anyway 2.5 hours later. I felt bad, but at least, I was 'looked after' there with confidence. In the condition that I was, I think, sk and bil will say go to hospital and that I didnt want. I really felt much better, but still went to the doc in the afternoon. My forehead was cool by then, but when they measured my temp, it was 38.6. Doc said, i had pneumonia. I was totally taken aback. That accounted for the loads and loads of green phlegm that seemed to came from nowhere. And she said, if fever persists by the next day, Thursday, I would need an x ray and possible hospital admission. Piano exam was on Friday 440pm.
 
I decided forgo the exam, just focus on getting well.  I was positive, and did not panic. My sis family did, and kept asking if I should just go to hospital. I said, wait for the next day. Must get well, if I dont want to go hospital. But the fever was stubborn and kept at high 38 to 39 through the night. But seriously I didnt feel as louzy as the morning. Thankfully on Thursday, it did go the downward trend. Then, the possibility of taking the exam came up again. All the intended intensive practice was gone. I can only focus on keeping my mind, and occasional playing of the pieces and scale. It was good, I did have a fair bit of practice earlier, though, of course always not enough.
 
I had both encouragement and discouragement to take the exams and both sets care for my welfare. Zh supported me which was really helpful. And my nephew, who chauffeured me to and fro.
 
And yes, it helped so much that the gentleman at the registration counter was so kind and encouraging. I guess a lady my age taking exam must be rare. And at grade 6. :) But i think i really didnt look well. I was well wrapped up so that I wont get another infection through the cold.
 
Best of all, the examiner was an incredibly warm and encouraging lady. Compared to the lady at my grade 5 exam, she was miles better. That helped alot. At least, it helped me do my best for my favourite piece. She did ask me which piece I liked best, and when i said B1, she said, she thought so cos i played it feelingly. What a compliment! I made many mistakes, but I felt I should clear. I want to clear, for Chris sake. Chris was very kind also when she realised i was so sick. And yes, she said, she did hope I would take the exam.
 
For myself,taking the exam means alot to me. It represented what I went through...why I took up music...the ten years of wilderness; and then the years that I left behind, and moved on since mum's passing in jan 2010; the struggles the past few months, unwritten, in the heart; the gruelling practice the past few weeks, the belief that practice will yield result, and finally overcoming that last unexpected ordeal with determination which turned up to be the greatest hindrance at the end.
 
And yes, though I am still not fully recovered in quite a few ways, this episode taught me alot alot of things. Letting go was not a problem when I thought I had to on Wed. It was a pity, but it was really not important because I have learnt from the process.
 
Yes, it is a great jubilation going through the exams. I never measured worth according to conventional worth. I want to go through the exam,not for the recognition ( at  more than half a century, it does not matter!)  the culmination of many years of Chris efforts and my determination and hard work. Results is not critical, but for Chris record, I believe I will pass. Whatever4 it is,  I HAVE succeeded! I overcome! And in so many ways! The road is still long, and there will be many more mountains, but for this phase, I have scaled the heights for this round! Yes, one of my 3 goalpost is met for this year! :)
 
This is a very significant milestone to me....ten years of wilderness.

Through it all  ~  I know  ~ The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want.