lonesome walk

this writing phase is going to be a lonesome walk within.  Whilst trying to get through the data and conceptualising issues arisng from it....for one moment, some organisation seem to surface then..... the tentacles of convolution intermangling entangle all into a heap of disarray.... sigh.

wake or sleep, this hangs like an albatross.... i cant say i am not tempted to just toss it into the sea....

But i shouldnt. i wont. i dont intend to. That my will is set. I will somehow carry this through. Three months. I can endure that. After which, the tidying up which is another massive work, but at least that is no longer abstract.

so, this place is going to be my breathing space, my sounding board, my venting wall for this period... i cant find anyone really to understand that frame within...not even L  .... i just need to keep believing that i must finish it.

it would not be true to say i dont like this path at all, though 'like' is really a light word. its meaningful because it reflects the reality that is taking place. i still say there is value...i know there is.....and that alone i think will drive me on....two to three years ago, i remember writing a post on motivation. I cant be motivated by what is external, or what is related to self. Sometimes to a fault. I let too many things go.... But i can be motivated by values, meaningfulness, and for higher reasons than self.

i must let this particular chapter rest first...anyway still need L's feedback. May be better to embark on another chapter, much less abstract, but another arduous task....

ok take a break from this now. do tcm. i dont know if i really will have enough time to complete that i can afford the rest. But i guess, if one is running a marathon, one needs to conserve energy to last out and to make a final dash at the end. And conserving energy includes mental energy. at the moment, i am still at the peripheral of the self-imposed timeline, so at least for these 2 days, its safe...i know i am cutting it a little thin...but writing really is correlated with clarity of mind and inspiration.

Ironically, i view tcm as a 'relaxation' to take my mind off this....whilst to most of my coursemates, it is 'the' thing for them.

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hmmm....and i think gy has gone back to uk? i hadnt said bye to her....another year....i no longer dare to be presumptuous that time is always around....

i am afraid most posts may take this form for some time......sigh....