ideals, aspirations vs solitude

Ideal

1. /aɪˈdiəl, aɪˈdil/ Show Spelled a conception of something in its perfection.

2. a standard of perfection or excellence.

3. a person or thing conceived as embodying such a conception or conforming to such a standard, and taken as a model for imitation

4. an ultimate object or aim of endeavor, especially one of high or noble character: He refuses to compromise any of his ideals. 

5. something that exists only in the imagination.

 

aspiration

 

1. strong desire, longing, or aim; ambition: intellectual aspirations. 

2. a goal or objective desired:

 

solitude

 

1. the state of being or living alone; seclusion: to enjoy one's solitude.

2. remoteness from habitations, as of a place; absence of human activity: the solitude of the mountains. 

3. a lonely, unfrequented place: a solitude in the mountains.

 

i always thought ideals and aspirations belong to the young. if i can still find in within myself, its not because 'i am young at heart', a euphemism i heard often with good intent, but in actual fact, it accentuates age to have to make the difference.

 

when those with ideals and aspirations seek solitude, is it because of ideal/reality dichotomy, or is it a lack of moral courage and strength of character to uphold them in the face of obstacles and systems that pose as shackles?

 

for me, my physical frame does not support me well....i feel sorely the fraility....realistically, i have exhaust far beyond my capacity for a period far too long..... it is easy to say leave the past behind....sometimes one has to pay for it with the present......

 

nevertheless, compared to what had been, especially the contrast 10 years back, 20 years back, 30 years back, this phase is truly a haven, and i am grateful, very grateful

 

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in the depth of my heart, i wish to have one more go for my ideals, and aspire to a higher ground, believing that it would leave behind some meaningfulness to some.... whilst tme endures......it would seem i had ended my own dream by the route i had chosen 2 years back. yet, i did need to make that choice....at least i think there was a need...without which, i wouldnt have reached this present phase of peaceability.

 

in my dream, i would wish to give my last ounce of strength in the course i love, and impart to others my love. at least it would have made this solitary path worthwhile.

 

but, there is no clear path ahead. neither dare i try too hard to find a way....i have alot of thoughts, alot of dreams... i know not what is best for me. the frequency of migraine these past weeks have been debilitating....and i also know without encouragement and support, i have poor finishing power. i dont want to start something i cant complete. 

 

 i do have other choice. i can envisage myself choosing a quiet solitude amongst just a few. may not be a bad option, just quietly conserving energy to a quiet end. if so, its best that i should walk away from education and seek a sanguine and passive frame. i do relish quietude, and simplicity.  i suppose it is good i do have choices

 

the strength of age and experience is: though there is a tussle, a feeling of unresolved-ness, there isnt the tempest, the turmoil and turbulence of uncertainty and conflicts, nor the intensity of injustice, of anger towards non-ideal, nor the pining poignancy of the yearning for the illusionary beauty and virtue, for the unrequitedness of what one has given so wholeheartedly.

 

more important than to find which path is ahead, is to hold the hands of the young, support their dreams, see them gradually taking flight, and be there in each of their pauses....

 

o levels is here....i will mis the 3 kids that have been with me. and i always miss the kids that have left their prints in my heart.....

 

truly one never knows what a day will bring.

 

The mercies of the Lord endureth forever.