vent

i havent written. for many reasons. varying phases.

this is a venting post. i may/may not let it remain.

in my life, even when i 'vent', i take into consideration so many factors. chiefly, dont hurt others.

i was quite taken aback, when st said when one quarrel, it is intended to cause hurt. really taken aback. i hadnt spoken to anyone much. i had a meal with st, just to see alternative viewpoint from a kids view. he is a spontaneous chap. that is not to say unthinking. but, i realise i think far far far too much. for others.

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in any 'quarrel', confrontations, one tend to react to the immediate cause that triggers the event. actually, words said in anger are often words that one wants to say, but lack the opportunity or courage to say them, except in anger. of course, for some, who picked quarrel, that could be planned. so my lack of reaction in this aspect is good or bad?

people of more gentle disposition had described me as 'aggressive' and 'forceful'. i have always accepted whatever descriptions. that people tell me to the face, i dont care much most of the time. and yet, i am not good at quarrels.

go through what i go through, salvage what i salvage, consider what i consider, then see if you can take what i take. and that even as a kid.

i will fight for principles. i will fight for kids welfare. i will fight for issues worth fighting. worth in the sense that it would do more good than harm. one cant just blindly fight for things that is 'right' or 'wrong'. chiefly, we dont have the power. And sometimes, things are too far wrong. thats why i appreciate the saying, about systemic good, and discrete good.

but that said, there is a limit. somehow, this limit was crossed last week.

outwardly, i am still rational. very. i dont want to cause hurt, and hope i never will. but, something snapped.

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in my life, i have come across 4 ocd and dominating characters, who must be right and must swipe at people who cant and dont agree with them . two dominated my life for the first 40 years. i wont suffer the third person to do so, and in the issue, it led to leaving a place that i had really wanted to stay.

i have great sympathy for the first, my mum. from young, i was the subject of bewildering treatment. i really thought i was not her child. but she had a really tough life as a kid. i can fully understand her fears and insecurities. but i have to admit, even to this moment, i find it hard to forget the many instances of madness. i never held it against her because i knew she was not in control. but i was a victim. and her treatment encouraged others to have the same bullying tactic. not that she knew. i suffered it because from young, i knew what was 大局。better one hurt, than so many. for that reason, when all are grown, no one take swipes at me. 

the only one that didnt hurt me was S1. yes, she is backward etc, but she was the one that fed me with cough syrup when i had to take chilli for punishment whilst having cough. it is almost a crime to have a cough because it cuased sleeplessness to others. being a sickly child, one learn to survive....cough into pillows, and blankets hoping no one heard. So yes, i remembered s1 kindness am always protective of her.

childhood victimisation leads to adult victimisation. that is often true. because one has been conditioned to avoid confrontation, to give in, especially if it is a close relation. that led to the 15 years of another phase of nightmare. and yet, i took it for so long again because of 大局, hoping for the good of others, and not to cause hurt. my own poor judgement at the start is to be blamed. this phase is buried. the bracket in my life.

by the time, these phases ended, i have expended probably my lifetime of energy. The Lord being merciful, I had the opportunity to return to teaching, and in a place i love to teach. Though, it was not without regret, I think it was still right not to suffer manipulation, intended or otherwise. i refuse to take disguised bullying from this third character. i dont have to anymore. Apart from the unpleasntries from this one source, actually, those 4 years were the happiest days of my life. really, happiest is the word. dont know what is being happy till then. at least i have tasted it.

so, coming across the fourth character, a 'family' member by marriage....i was not prepared for such a barrage of outburst and irrational confrontation.

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because i am 'tough' outwardly, most wont take me on for a 'quarrel'. Not that i bother to with anyone. if we dont agree, just go each separate's way. i am not beholden to anyone.

i note however that people will 'pick' a fight when they get an emotional high, then they are very brave to say all that is on their mind. which is good. i see what is there. even then, i didnt jab back.  what for?

and i note, when these vent out, for 'seeming faults', actually, they are jabbing into the air, a reflection of themselves, their own lackings, and turn things to be what they are not.

the event, last week, i responded, with equal anger. very very very unlike me. hadnt been this angry for a very very very long time.  i was, and am no longer going to take being swiped at lying down.  but even in anger, i was acutely aware of causing mnimum hurt to others.

would 'talking over'  helped? i have learnt that with ocd characters, they will always conjure a picture that suit themselves. and at the end of the day, its the people around that have to bear the brunt. unless of course, you know how to bully back.

i have noted that a bully always pick victims, not one that they think would fight back. or whom they think will bear with them because of repercussions on others.

this time, well, we will see....

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actually, it makes my heart really sink, yes, pained, that the care and thought given to people for a lifetime, is so little understood. some people make a great deal of the things they do, and hold others to emotional blackmail and indebtedness.

from that i learnt, whatever is done should not be for 'appreciation'. that is meaningless. one should be loved and valued for oneself, even as a family member.  not out of 'appreciation'.  i hold fast to the Scriptures, to the words of the Lord, let not your left hand know what your right hand do. In my anger, i remembered the sufferings and patience of the Lord.

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in outward appearence, i assured those that are 'involved' by virtue of relations that i am fine.it is ridiculous that people have to apologise for others. really ridicuous and meaningless.

of course, i am fine.  after all, yes, life goes on. but i guess i am not. it hit me hard because i suppose this is the first rift, serious rift from mum's passing. and well, i guess, i now know actually, i have been right all along. i am actually alone. appreciated. but in actuality alone. well, i guess, mum also knew that all along. words can assure you. but words are words. i know the difference. because i know what true caring means.

i am supposed to be having 3 tcm exams next week. i hardly did much studying.  i guess, again, it doesnt quite matter to me, since i did not take up the course seriously. although i would have wished to have put in more effort. much as i like the course, and do know medicine can do alot of good for others, though it is tcm, and not western medicine, i think my heart is still in education. like i said to zh before, i dont like being with adults. i really dont. at least with kids, there is a chance to work with them, so that they can become responsible beings. adults, and their showmanships is really disdainful. i hope most of my kids wont be this way.

meantime, i hope, the impact that hit me very hard inwardly, despite the outward nonchalance will outwork itself with time. each such event triggers alot of things from the past, and it is a very long past. at the moment, i am just keeping myself afloat, too tired to consider what the future holds. i really should stop considering for others.

this is a vent to me...i realise its still rather mild....my ability in expressing anger is really limited. sigh. but positively, i am glad i keep my head. i will not respect myself, if i cause hurt, and takes pleasure in doing so. and that is more important to me.

and i feel abit better after this vent. i must move forward....even if it is a slow move.