Imprints in the heart

when i was a young teacher, looking at the kids in the class, i often picture what the kids would be like in their adult life, as a working person, as a mother (i taught all girls for 15 years)......I remember 2 poems by DH Lawrence of a classroom scene, the contrasting frames of the teacher observing a class....i can identify with that. I vague remembered reading peyton place, and remembered the teacher having somewhat similar thoughts. so, i guess i may not be the only one, though possibly in the minority.

 i was particularly harsh with students who were strong in capability. for some reason, i worry more for them than for the less able. I was afraid if they didnt eradicate their less desirable traits, they would have hard falls like me, and i also know the more 'able', actually, the deeper the disappointment and deeper the pain, sometimes.

Sympathy is always with those who has less. Those who have 'more' as perceived, is always expected to be the giver. I have to admit that i had that expectation too.....but now no longer.

I guess, maybe i was too harsh. Experience teaches that reception is more positive and enduring if the words of good intent is conveyed when there is a readiness and open-ness, and that is often far more effective than in a admontion.


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now with the tide of time, my contact is much less with the young, and the young is often relative to me. I realised, in relating to adults, i have a habit of tracing their childhood and growth either through their conversations and observations. I would conjure pictures of them as kids in school, either beeing a good student, or one with mischief.... and how they would be if they were my kids in school....

and i realise, my sympathy remains with those who are talented, and somehow, their 'success' is miniscule in comparison, especially in terms of material gain. Particularly true if one believes in adhering to one's belief that may not be seen as 'profitable' or in the general flow, and when one does not resort to 'marketing' one's 'goodness'. These are those who see through the facade of 'showmanship' and cant bring themselves to be part of the hyped up scenario of self-congratulation which mass media love to highlight. success begets success follows this trend.

The price of being able to uphold one's belief is usually high, but the value of one's belief is priceless. The problem however is the realities of survival, if you have a family, with young kids. The cost of living in Spore is really exhorbitant....and really hard for those who are not 'poor', seen as 'professional', but not conforming to the ways of a material society.

Honestly it is much much harder for those who think, and feel.....and have a strong sense of responsibility. I wont comment on the pay structure. I would just say it goes along the line of those who 'fits' into the way 'society wants them'. what one can endure for oneself, is however, not the same, when one has the need to take care of family as well, and wants to do it well. I walked through that phase, i know. When I have responsibility, i place them first, and just endure. Almost a lifetime. But i know for those whose age is also not kind to them, to have to continue the battle when energy is waning, it is really tough.

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yes, kids and adults, they leave imprints in my heart. i guess as i have outworked for my own life, each really has to do so for their own life. The balm of kindness and understanding, the touch of humanity, i know, will always provide some warmth and solace in the sometimes cruel tides of life, and that is the most I can do. And yes, often the anguish is:  Alot of things , however 'wrong' it appears, are not within any of our control. And sometimes, these things can unleash storms in one's pathway.

I feel for each. yes, very much. And very deeply. I know what it is to feel that anguish that often one knows no one understands. For myself, because i have sought for the Lord in my youth, and that path has been fraught with pain and tribulation, much of it, my own fault, in the depth of darkness,  i knew the things can be seen are temporal, things that are not seen are eternal. I know i am a pilgrim and a sojourner in this world, and i seek for a better country, whose builder and maker is God. For those who think this is being 'weak', then I am glad to be weak, that I might find strength in the Lord.

Belief in God is not 'religion'. Religion is often another realm of showmanship, organised showmanship in some cases. I refrain from further words here.

As i feel for the pain and afflictions of those I do have inward care for, shown or unshown, usually unshown ( there are some who didnt even realise that i had perceived that much of them and share their pain), I can only wish and pray, that they would see beyond this present realm, and somehow seek for God. I realise truly, faith is a precious gift of God. I would wish, these really beautiful people to me, in their tumults, would have the humility to seek for this faith to believe. Humility. It is needed.

Because these leave such deep imprints in my heart, people whose depth of discourse and company I have really value especially over this past few years, and feel for them in the phases of their lives, kids and adults, I really really wish so for them.