ex-students....

In the last four hours, i heard from ex students from my first batch to not too far past....

one text me to confirm meeting up when she stopover next week, she is a mother of three;

one text me to inform me of her new-born baby, she is now 28, and was the first and only student thus far that i attended her marriage solemnisation... she said it mattered alot to her if i go... so i did... and she is teaching....;

one, 21, from blss, text me to ask to meet up for dinner;

met up with 3 others for dinner, actually these are my grown up tuition kids whom i knew since they were 13/14... one of whom will be leaving for uk for medicine...the other 2 older boys, now 22, are in the uni....

i suddenly remembered Louisa May Alcott's book, Jo's boys...actually, i rather like the whole series, Little women, Good Wives, Little Men and Jo's Boys. Its lovely to hear from them as they grow up.... I have to admit I never have much maternal instincts... I always felt I wont know how to be a good mother. I am content to be a teacher and see my kids grow into adulthood, motherhood...and for the boys, when they grow up, into fatherhood...

its gratifying to be still a part of their lives that they remember and still keep touch....thanks....

若愿望能成真。。。

若愿望能成真。。。

我愿能有空间，

让我还未发挥的潜能，有机会展开，

实现在教育界的理想；

给予更多的孩子们体会教育的意义，人生的方针。


若愿望能成真。。。

我愿孤独会消失。。。

我愿能找到知心的知己，陪我度过漫长的尾端。



若愿望能成真。。。

可惜，愿望永远是多么渺茫。。。

myriad of thoughts....

its been a little more than 6 months in this new abode... yes, it is a little too big for me... but it is pleasant. When people ask why i got a place thus big, my answer is my sister is a few levels down. Doesnt seem to make sense to many people.

I guess I was merely re-enacting the way it had been between mum and I. She was a few levels in the same block. I think it was really rite to move here. Not that i see sk that often, a couple of times a week. But it still feel different to have her nearby. Also i really like the environment here. Being an intuitive person, feeling 'right' is important to me. In a simple lonely way, I am content here.

Funny, a few days ago, taking dinner with someone and discussing over some extraneous matters which i exercised alot of caution, i expressed that i am hesitant, and the advice given was, dont do anything until you feel 'right', comfortable and ready. I respect and like that advice.
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have been doing alot of reading in the area of education....and more in the area of specialisation of my masters course...

i am not an admirer of America. But I must say in the field of education, particular their research in education, they display in-depth thought of the many aspects of developing a child - and their articles are very thought provoking, backed by research and analysis, soul searching and impactful....concuring with many of my personal views and experience.... and something quite lacking in our local context.

It is now the fad, to fly all over the place, ever so often, to experience first hand learning opportunities. True, it is an eye opener, and in some contexts, it can be a ground breaker. But if one genuinely wants to learn, sometimes, all it takes is a few quiet moments to read, imbibe, assimilate, reflect, and apply. The gain would have been immense, at very little cost. But of course not glamourous at all.

The singular (almost obsessive) pursuit of constructed indicators as a measure of an educational program, however remarkable the indicator, has little place in the vast expanse of the developmental growth of cognitive intellect, emotive intellect and humanistic frame of a child.

Obscurity and simplicity are friends with me. I am content.
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have had more time to talk with kids lately. Partly cos y6 are 'more free', and i make more time for them cos they are graduating soon. I like having these times....

I am still finding my way ahead... and the path is still far from distinct.... but internally, I am at peace, whatever the path I take...

All i want at the moment, is to teach well for the remaining time... and see this batch of kids grow and overcome their obstacles.

kt dropped by again today. He will sign on with the airforce. Tmr, will be seeing other ex studs for dinner. They are 22, and 19. Its nice when they make attempt to keep in touch when one or the other is back from overseas.

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Work is beginning to pile.... will get worse when nie sem opens in 2 weeks....

but for this moment, i am content.

got really angry today. I get annoyed but very seldom do i really get this simmering anger...i guess its because i was really disappointed; very disappointed. how many chances do one give? and how much is enough to make the difference, to effect a change? if i had expected it, i wouldnt be thus angry. but i had really hope for a change, and really thought there will be a change for the chances given.

i would wish i would see some change tomorrow. but...unlikely...... sigh..... when i really want every teaching day to be happy....

缘分

The blss boys kt, j, and v dropped by, and it was another 4-5 of interesting conversation. Actually some of the boys are the stronger students whom I really taught for a short period. But somehow the bond is stronger with this group, and they make it a point to keep in touch. Cant explain why. 缘分?

Every time I meet up with them, i would consider many many things....

when one is young, time is a 'commodity' that seems plenteous. In many ways, alot of my dreams remain unfulfilled, and I dont see they ever will be. Yet in many ways, alot have been fulfilled also.

I met ss a few days ago for a very long talk.... I said, my happiest moments are in classrooms, and when I stepped out of class knowing at least 70-80% of my students have learnt is really a joy. And really I have that joy for many lessons in a week. I was surprised when he said to me, I envy you. Maybe I am more easily contented, and his expectations of his teaching is much higher?

It was then that I realised not many people can work and enjoy what they do, and attain joy from it or have that sense of satisfaction that I have when I teach. So really amongst teachers, I think I really am fortunate. No wonder he said I envy you. Would it be the same for me if it were not the same classes, not the same school? 缘分? I dont know. Probably not. This lot of students have been really wonderful.

But whenever I meet up with the blss boys, it seemed my greatest impact (at least that I know of) is with them. And one of them will definitely be going into teaching. It encourages me when they recounted my lessons, and remembered many of the things that I did for them, with them.

I hope many of the kids I teach, will teach. I would like them to make a difference to the next generation. I hope many of the kids I teach will be leaders. And I hope they will be good people, and leaders with heart and values. I hope there would still be energy and opportunity left for me, to yet make a difference for the kids.... I hope age will not be a great barrier....

I await the direction that I am still seeking......

messages....

last wed, 6th july, was a special occasion...zg graduated with a second upper... that nite both sk and he text me, to thank me. i had helped him tide over a very rough time at jc2, really created by himself. with one month to his A levels, having failed math abysmally, i had no choice but to pick up A level maths content to coach him, and gave him whatever support needed. well, he has grown up. I only hope he sees where his weaknesses are. A chain is as strong as its weakest link.

Funny enough, it was through that stint, that i re-acquired skills and techniques in higher level math that gave me the confidence to come over to nush, knowing full well the content will be above the usual level that i am accustomed to teaching. So well, one never knows how things in life leads...

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That same evening kt msged me to say he is back from aust, and wanted to arrange to meet with me again with the others from blss. He had gone to aust to take the test for pilot training. He didnt make it and hence is back. Before he left and when he didnt clear the test, he text me. I am very touched at the way these kids let me know how they get on at different stage of their lives. Whether success or failures, it doesnt matter. What matters is, they wanted to let me know. Those 15 months at blss were really meaningful.

I have spent nearly 4 years at nush. It leaves to be seen, whether the bonds with the kids will stand through time. Although, I also know it doesnt mean if one doesnt keep in touch, it means one has forgotten the other. I remained thankful to the few teachers that had been kind to me, and a few I never told them. I did wish I did though.

a few weeks later, i should be meeting a student from my very first batch of graduands, who is making a stopover in spore. She found me via this blog. I remembered that batch very well. Most of my kids did not have my contact. I had chosen reclusion some years back, and never replied to letters, and didnt give other means to contact me. I regret it now, as I would have liked to know how they are. I remember many of my kids very well.

I dont know if it is age or the diverging path ahead... that my mind subconciously leaf through the pages of my teaching years over more than 2 decade...

by present standard, i had not done anything really significant. I had not helped anyone attained to great heights or outstanding achievements. Does that matter in teaching? Does it mean my teaching is substandard? There are many that do make you feel your 'worth' from what university you come from, and what accolades you have. And how much 'success' you have reaped.

I have none, and am not ashamed of it. I am only ashamed when I fail to help students that needed help. And it never matters if anyone else knows if I had not done my duty to the utmost. What is important is my conscience knows. I have to live with my conscience.

I value what i value. True humanity does not lie in all these lauded achievements. I know the heart alone is insufficient in teaching. There must be a clear application of the mind to reach out to the leaners.

But as the scripture says, knowledge puffeth up. Its charity that edifieth. How many understand this?

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there are times when all i see is emptiness and i ask myself, how to carry on? my biggest fear, as always, is not to be a burden to the young.

but there are times, when i remember the sweet messages and receive emails from students one had taught, like one that was received end of last semester, very unexpectedly; and one that came in today to share his aspirations; and with T and B sleeping beside me whilst i typed this, I feel very contented and fulfilled. I have made a difference, however small to a few of the young.

i am recording this to encourage myself for the days ahead....

Experience

For some reason or other, I thought of writing about experience.

If one has an encounter, does it suffice to be an 'experience'. By definition,yes. But in actuality? Some people give advice based on their 'experience'. Should decision be based on 'notions' or 'experience'?

Strangely, whilst reading a book, and pondering over some matters, two incidents float back into mind, both involving appendicitis.

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During undergraduate days, I had a dull discomfort on the right of the abdomen, and it occured more often after a meal. As I also had gastric problem, I didnt pay much attention to it. The discomfort pulled on for months. I never thought it was appendicitis because I had heard that the pain is acute, excruciating. You cant made a mistake with it. Appendicitis does not show up in x-rays or scans. The only way you can diagnosed it is by good clinial skill (at least in the past).

There was a doctor that I saw regularly at Nus clinic. After one particular visit to the doctor over the same problem, she got worried, and felt she should refer me to hospital for a specialist opinion. Thankfully, because I was under teaching bursary award, all medical would be borne by psc, and because of that, I also got to see a senior specialist, the registrar. He was pretty good. He said to me, its murmuring appendicitis. He said to get warded if the pain is very bad.

There were ALOT of problems at home, so I didnt mention this to anyone.

The pain did get worse sometime later, not excruciating, bearable, but walking after a meal was painful. but I wont know when it was going to be acute. I didnt want to have to depend on anyone at home should things turned bad, so I made appointment to see the specialist again, without telling anyone at home. Since I was just past 21, I could be responsible for myself. It was only when I had to be warded, that the nurse asked where were my parents/family members. It was then that I realised I had to inform them. The ward doctors didnt believe I had appendicits as I looked 'well' and had no problems when I was on soft diet. I had no 'symptoms'. The blood test didnt show high white blood count. They felt I was a hypochondraic and should be discharged. It wasnt pleasant. There was no scan at that time.

When I was back on normal diet, the pain recurred. The specialist visited me at the ward, he asked me if I want to bear with the pain until it was really bad, or operate to remove it. It was december and nus exam was in april. If the pain got really bad, I may missed exams and that would mean repeating another year. I decided on removing the appendix. That was how independent I was. Just 21, and I made all the decisions. It was easier without worrying about the medical cost.

I remembered the anasthesist was a cheeky fellow, who made unseemly remarks. When he saw the medical records, he also said, how can this be appendicitis. Whatever, immediately after the operation, when I was pushed out, I was almost immediately conscious, and the first question I asked was, is it appendicitis? The anasthesist was taken aback that I was alert so quickly, and said, yes it was and there were other problems.

Anyway that was the only time I went through a surgery. At my after op consultation, I asked the specialist who did the operation for me, how come he was quite certain I had appendicitis, when all other doctors felt I was a hypochondraic. He said, experience. He came across a case like mine before and saw the similarities. I was very thankful to him.

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The second incident involved my mum. She complained over weeks about abdominal pain/discomfort, and all the doctors she saw treated her for gastric/strss/wind. I was very uncomfortable, because of my own experience. She did go to a public hospital, but was not warded, as they felt it was gastric. It isnt appendicitis, they were certain. They more or less implied it was psychological

But a couple of days later, her pain was so bad, we had no choice but to send her to Mt e, even though we knew it would cause a bomb. The specialist on duty was an English, and he could be very sarcastic. Nevertheless, he spent the first half an hour just listening to all my mums complains (translated to him). He thought it could be stones in the gall, or some kidney malfunction. When I asked him, could it be appendicitis, he said, No.

I remembered that was a Sunday. The next day was a Monday, and I was in charge of the teachers day concert, so had to stay the whole afternoon to do the audition. When I went to the hospital, I was horrified that my mum was undergoing an emergency operation, and 3 hours had passed. I couldnt understand why cos the doctor did not say it was an emergency, or what the next action was. Thankfully dad saw to the procedure. I was really angry with myself then, that I had put school first, when mum was in such a condition.

Finally, when the surgeon came out, he said it was perforated appendicitis, which had ruptured, and the pus was all over the abdomen. In his 30+years of surgery, he had never seen a case like that, and it took him 2 hours or more, to 'clean up' the abdomen. Even his operating theatre nurse said, it was really very bad. I was stunned, and relieved that my mum pulled through. The surgeon was quick to realise in the morning that when the check for all his first conclusions were negative, but the white blood count was very high, that it was appendicitis, and made an immediate decision for emergency operation.

I was then very angry with the public hospital because had they diagnosed it correctly, the appendix would not have ruptured. Only a small percentage of people survived perforated appendicitis. My mum should never had been in such a risk, especially when she did seek medical attention, at the hospital. And now, i had to be anxious about how to cover the medical cost.

But the surgeon said to me, it took him, with all his 30+ year experience(I think he was in his 50s), his first conclusion was to rule out appendicitis also as the pain described was not the norm. Apparently the appendix had moved in position. He advised against lodging a complain. Because he saved my mum's life, I took his advice. He was very decent and charged us very very nominally for the operation and the after op treatments. He also arranged for mum to stay longer at the hospital to get the medical care. That drained all I had. But I didnt mind. Because the doctor went out of his way to take care of mum. Not that he was patient with her constant complain ( mum's threshold is not high), but his actions spoke so much louder than words.

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In both cases, experience had been the key to treating and saving lives. But not just experience. There was a careful analysis and true medical professionalism. Money was not the issue.

I do not demean youth. But however smart and intelligent, and whatever academic success or scholarships, it requires alot of exposure and most of all a keenness to listen, learn, and a heart to care. Especially if you are in the field that deal with the lives of people. It is not the number of years alone. It is going through the experience and learning from it.

Teaching and medical are 2 vocations that have the most dealings with lifes.

The difference is one is to nurture and affect the growth of the child, the other is to attend to the ill, and to save lives.

There is another difference, medical is regarded as a professional status, and doctors need a licence to practise , and they have an oath that they have allegiance to. You cant say I have a passion for medicine, so here I am, a doctor. You have to undergo the study and the training and be awarded the license to practise by a professional body.

Nevertheless, in both fields, lives are touched and affected. Let it be a positive touch, and affected in a way that befits humanity.

Silence is golden....

filling in......

yes, I havent update for a long time...

in some ways, nothing had happened. yet in some ways, alot had taken place.

in some ways, there are alot to record. yet in some ways, everything seems bland... there is hardly anything to say.

in some ways, alot that would had been written, had been written in various forms... yes, it is hard to break away from the past.... especially when there is really nothing much left at present...........much less ahead...

inertia, inactivity.... watching time passed... what am i waiting for?
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over this time....

attended jk wedding 25 June. I dont like formal dinners. And really does not attend such occasions. But for sst sake. It was a date i had marked out to keep this appointment.

Maybe it was my own frame. So everything was placid. I think sst was happy that we went. In many ways, I do wish I can really regard sst as a sister. She is one of the very very very few that has more strength of character than myself, and hence understand me, and would have been able to reach out to me more than others. Her children are very fortunate to have such a mum.
Pk was there. He is supposed to look like dad. I also was supposed to look like dad. But we didnt look alike. And we had nothing to say.

It was an event...yet in some ways, it was eventless. To sk it was a duty to go. To me, i just feel alone.

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xxx problems are really serious. Having pulled for nearly 9 months, one scam after another, to say i am not angry and upset would not be true. At least she has finally agreed to see professionals, and to report to authorities....

But that she had lied to me....was perhaps the most distressing...

whatever. i did all that was necessary. Had i not procrastinated, perhaps some things could have been avoided? why not say then, had she really heeded my warnings from dec, these damages wouldnt have happened? i am tired of taking the weight. How much must one do?

i dont know if she will really walk out of this tunnel... time may help... and hopefully whatever support that can be rendered.... i seriously dont know...

i only know, being a friend, means being there for her for life....
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read newspaper only occasionally, and it would happen on such an occasion... read that the block next to rv put up for enbloc sale. I guess rv would have be up also, if it has not already been sold enbloc

So within another one or two years, all would be torn down....

there would be many that would say, i should have waited, see what 'loss' i had incurred. The difference is just a few months...or a year? if bil had been in spore, i am sure he would have alot more to say to me...

whatever anyone say, seriously apart from outward consideration of 'material' gain, or for outward 'welfare', honestly, i dont know if there is really anyone that had truly been concern and care for my good alone, and take the weight for me, as one that care for me for life. to be fair, sk tries. And tch tries.


I dont say it is any easier now than it had been. But at least, i no longer have the albatross of rv. And at least, now and then, i have the warmth of sk company. And at least, there is less sense of being so unsettled, and being tossed in the waves of uncertainties...

what is loss? what is gain? loss to who? gain for who?

there is alot of emotional baggage with rv. And though that had been the abodes of my life...sadly, there arent any memories that one would want to recall....

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sy finally left on thursday. He asked to attend my lesson to occupy time. He left the class midway whilst they were doing work. I knew he had a lunch appointment. I asked him if he was coming back after lunch, and he said he didnt know. And he left.

At that moment, i suddenly felt that horrible pang, that, that was the final moment.

I was not prepared somehow for the moment. I couldnt bit back the lump in my throat, nor the tears that just welled out. Thankfully, the kids were preoccupied, and i could step out a few moments to gain some composure. It hit me hard at that moment.

He did return after lunch, and I finally walked him to the carpark. He said, dont make me cry. I said, I wont. So I just watched at the side, and waved him out of the carpark.

It reminded me of the last day of 2010, where i also said goodbye to dc at the carpark. It was also difficult, but i guess, i knew we could keep in touch. But sy is returning to msia.

sy is a very close colleague, and we just worked well together. From the very start, somehow we just clicked. Its not to say we didnt have disagreement or friction, but because there was mutual respect, we learn to give leeway for differences.

i hope after a break, he will find his direction....he is young, and i hope he finds happiness.

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it had been difficult after crossing my birthday.... ws says age is only a number... i also know alot is in the mind.... And i know i make things difficult for myself by thinking too much....

but the fact is, time has passed. To put it bluntly, what is certain, is the end. And what does one do in between, till the end?

And even if one says, dont think so far... i also dont know what is ahead that is 'near'. Quite a few have been asking me about my 'plans'. Plans about what? Honestly, i dont know either. At the moment, I acknowledge, I am without direction. What is best? Where is the direction? I really dont know...

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it is a good thing that school starts.... each teaching moment gives me the joy and meaning....

end of this year will see the end of this batch. i really like them...

actually if i was to turn the pages of my life, the greatest joy and most meaningful moments are always in school, as a student, and as a teacher....

whilst i have these moments, i will treasure them... i hope the kids will grow up happy....