Pause ~ Reflections

Its end of one month in 2014, and the first day of the lunar new year.
 
This is the first year there is no busy-ness. Taking things placidly has been good. Let things fall into the place they would. No need to do anything.
 
It has been lonely in a way. Perhaps feeling more alone is more precise. One cant avoid the mood of festivities as it is everywhere....so it hadn't been easy actually.... But much less stressful than to keep trying to bridge gaps, to keep watching out, keep considering.
 
And yes, things did fall out naturally. Dinner at B2, lunch today at B1. And I guess today, I have accepted the oblique manner someone try to mend ties. No point pursuing 'rights', 'reasons', and apology, strange, apologising can be so hard for some people. What good does it do to hold out when peace making gestures are made albeit incongruous to the gravity caused then? There is still the younger generation to consider. Harmony is far above being right. It has been intangibly costly to me.... but I guess, it was not known. But, at least, a great weight in my mind is eased. And I learn a lot from it...let wisdom prevail.
 
When one is young, festivals are like pauses in a year, a tradition that one follows, without too much thought except to go along with it, and sometimes, it can be a chore. I have to admit, I now see the wisdom of having 'festivals' to bring people 'disconnected' to exchange greeting, to make contact, and to wish good for others. It is also an occasion to remember people and a way to tell them you still do remember them.
 
Perhaps again it is age. I also  value simple greetings more than before.... unexpectedly a group of present y6 turned up yesterday...ten of them....it was nice to see them...and yes, very sweet of them to remember. A few rounds ahead the following week, jwss, blss, 2011 and 2012, and others grown up with their kids....I like to think, these are some small touches that there had been some footprints left in their lives. I have to admit that I have difficulty walking into the phase where it is merely because of one's advancing years that such visits take place. It's really much harder than I had thought, to be gracious at the receiving end. But, I guess I still love to see the kids and value each passing year of seeing their growth.
 
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Communication is what it has always been - at a level that is peripheral with blood ties. The same 'outlier' feel that has perpetuated from young amidst the mirth.....the feeling of I don't belong.....but because it matters to them that I am there, so I am there. For ties sake.
 
It has made me wonder, the different levels that I commune with people. There are a few, that somehow brings so much more warmth, that matters more to me in depth. Like I am part of their family.  There are a few, that through long years of journeying in this uncertain pilgrimage, that remains so faithful despite the natural gaps of differences. There are a few, that though one does not have as much opportunity as one would wish, but somehow there is that implicit understanding in words exchanged, an inexplicable bond. 
 
Not that I bother to analyse anymore. A lot of things in life is just inexplicable. Just walk placidly on, and relish moments that touch the heart.
 
Would have like to tie up more loose ends that I had. But month on month comparison, it hasn't been bad really. Actually quite good.
 
A simple goal each day makes each day meaningful. In some quarters, stress is beginning to build up, but I still persist to see past them in the simplicity of the tapestry of my days. Whatever. Just do one's best, within my context of 'best'.
 
And still keeping healthy and well ~ the fruit of the efforts put in last year, and still keeping it up. In particular, one person to thank, for guiding me to this. Yes, it is really a blessing to feel well.
 
So yes, in this pause, it is a good end to the first month of 2014.
 

In Remembrance

This is to record my remembrance ~ I make it a point since last year, to set this period, in remembrance of a young life....
 
I will remember you...not just on this day....but particularly on this day.

Solitude

its a luxury to be able to enjoy solitude....and this luxury has eluded me for a very long while.

you can be alone and not enjoy solitude.

you can be with people and feel alone

in solitude, you may not be entirely alone, there may be people in the background; but you are in your own realm, at peace with nature, at peace with God, at peace. It isn't that there are no cares, or worries. Its just being absorbed in tranquillity, and feeling that oneness, the harmony....without the need of anything..... for me, this solitude can be felt mostly when I am with nature, seeing the sky, seeing the sea, hearing the quiet lapping of waves....and it has been a very long time to have this luxury.

I have learnt to look up to the sky more often. yes, it has to be learnt. somehow, it doesn't come naturally. I dont like superficial gestures. if I look up, I want to feel the expanse, that limitless bounds....and when clouds are present, they add a different dimension, a lovely embellishment....yes, I actually love clouds.....

I suppose from afar we see the purpose and beauty of clouds. without which, we wouldn't have the mercy of having rain and water. clouds is a necessity. our myopic view obfuscates the need of clouds in our lives as well...

can this frame be sustained? I don't know. I have learnt, really sufficient for the day is the cares thereof. I don't really like the phrase, live for the moment. for it connotes a sense of recklessness. But in the sense of just being a being, yes, in the beauty and serenity, just live for the moment.

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someone ask, why care? actually one who ask that is actually one who cares, and who has to convince himself/herself to stop caring. because it hurts? yes, actually it does hurt...sometimes a lot...

I suppose I would say, why even ask? just live. and in living, one's heat care, then just care. why fight? it adds meaning to our lives. even the hurt....when we can look at it...

sometimes, we care for people that are not exactly what we would wish. sometimes, we care for people who dont even know. sometimes we care for people that don't care. does that matter? i wouldn't wish my heart caring to be conditioned on what others are.

caring is a luxury also. a gift. when i get a little anxious these days, i remind myself, that i now have the luxury of not having to worry about deadlines of this present world. i have slogged for really a long, long. long time....nothing really matters too much now.

Each day, thus far, i have been 'happy' because i have done a little something for a little someone, and sometimes, more than one little something for more than a little someone. yes i care, and it is a privilege. whatever else is immaterial.

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my heart feels a lot for the ups and downs of the young as i follow their paths ( qualified as the positive difference between my age and theirs to be more than 8) ....each phase brings its conflicts and challenges, its euphoria and its disillusions.... striking a balance is often the most difficult.....i am relieved many of these phases are over for me....although yes every phase brings its challenges still....unknown challenges....

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for many reasons, i dont look forward to cny....its now really non-significant....i cant say this is said without sadness.....

 the visits of the kids i guess is what cny now means...

and the steroid effect is over, brownee is beginning to be distressed again.......

sufficient for the day is the care thereof.

first post of 2014

three days into the year, and it has been placid, serene, and at peace....

6 hours into the year, I was at ecp hoping to catch the first sunrise of the year. I didn't get the position correct, but it was lovely seeing the changing hues of the sky.

today was an unexpected and exceptionally nice day. especially because it was unplanned. what was meant to be just a lunch, turned out to be a very pleasant 4 hours or so at changi village. the lovely natural setting, the long stretch of sand, the beautiful expanse of sea, the quiet touch of sea breeze, the swaying branches of stocky trees,,,,all made the afternoon a very special one. yes, and over the last 11 days, this is my 6th walk in a place of nature.

actually j and k have spent a lot of time with me during their vacation, and I deeply appreciate their company. I guess their being able to share my love of quietude and nature made for comfortable company. whatever, they have helped me venture beyond my comfort zone, and every venturing out is good.

am hoping to move forward into a clearer path with each passing day. but I wont be anxious. I just want to keep my focus..... a little something for a little someone each day. can be totally inconspicuous, but that suffices.

and today I swam one breadth continually. I hope it wont be too long when I can do one length.

and I skyped with G. Am very very  glad that finally, she is free, in a place called her own. And by now, she is almost 70. Thankfully, still sprightly.

perhaps my one tinge of regret was that to be at the countdown with 403. I should have.

it has been a good start. no resolution, no measurable aims for the year....

just remembering every day is a new beginning. I am grateful for the first 3 days of the year.

thus ends the first post of the year.