Pause ~ Reflections

Its end of one month in 2014, and the first day of the lunar new year.
 
This is the first year there is no busy-ness. Taking things placidly has been good. Let things fall into the place they would. No need to do anything.
 
It has been lonely in a way. Perhaps feeling more alone is more precise. One cant avoid the mood of festivities as it is everywhere....so it hadn't been easy actually.... But much less stressful than to keep trying to bridge gaps, to keep watching out, keep considering.
 
And yes, things did fall out naturally. Dinner at B2, lunch today at B1. And I guess today, I have accepted the oblique manner someone try to mend ties. No point pursuing 'rights', 'reasons', and apology, strange, apologising can be so hard for some people. What good does it do to hold out when peace making gestures are made albeit incongruous to the gravity caused then? There is still the younger generation to consider. Harmony is far above being right. It has been intangibly costly to me.... but I guess, it was not known. But, at least, a great weight in my mind is eased. And I learn a lot from it...let wisdom prevail.
 
When one is young, festivals are like pauses in a year, a tradition that one follows, without too much thought except to go along with it, and sometimes, it can be a chore. I have to admit, I now see the wisdom of having 'festivals' to bring people 'disconnected' to exchange greeting, to make contact, and to wish good for others. It is also an occasion to remember people and a way to tell them you still do remember them.
 
Perhaps again it is age. I also  value simple greetings more than before.... unexpectedly a group of present y6 turned up yesterday...ten of them....it was nice to see them...and yes, very sweet of them to remember. A few rounds ahead the following week, jwss, blss, 2011 and 2012, and others grown up with their kids....I like to think, these are some small touches that there had been some footprints left in their lives. I have to admit that I have difficulty walking into the phase where it is merely because of one's advancing years that such visits take place. It's really much harder than I had thought, to be gracious at the receiving end. But, I guess I still love to see the kids and value each passing year of seeing their growth.
 
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Communication is what it has always been - at a level that is peripheral with blood ties. The same 'outlier' feel that has perpetuated from young amidst the mirth.....the feeling of I don't belong.....but because it matters to them that I am there, so I am there. For ties sake.
 
It has made me wonder, the different levels that I commune with people. There are a few, that somehow brings so much more warmth, that matters more to me in depth. Like I am part of their family.  There are a few, that through long years of journeying in this uncertain pilgrimage, that remains so faithful despite the natural gaps of differences. There are a few, that though one does not have as much opportunity as one would wish, but somehow there is that implicit understanding in words exchanged, an inexplicable bond. 
 
Not that I bother to analyse anymore. A lot of things in life is just inexplicable. Just walk placidly on, and relish moments that touch the heart.
 
Would have like to tie up more loose ends that I had. But month on month comparison, it hasn't been bad really. Actually quite good.
 
A simple goal each day makes each day meaningful. In some quarters, stress is beginning to build up, but I still persist to see past them in the simplicity of the tapestry of my days. Whatever. Just do one's best, within my context of 'best'.
 
And still keeping healthy and well ~ the fruit of the efforts put in last year, and still keeping it up. In particular, one person to thank, for guiding me to this. Yes, it is really a blessing to feel well.
 
So yes, in this pause, it is a good end to the first month of 2014.