and the heart aches.....

actually the heart aches.

i really like the kids. i really have alot of joy in classroom. i really like to see kids think and learn. They have really been the highlights and the delight of my life this year. 

And the more they appreciate me, the harder it is for me to leave. I did not expect it. I didnt think year one kids will really appreciate much of what i said. But they did. Much more than I expected. I only realised that in sept when a few wrote quite feelingly. It took me by surprise. I remembered wc's words....yes, beyond the facade, there are kids that felt lost. And unknowingly, I did reach to them. I didnt show that I was sadder than them, probably much sadder. I know its important not to show. I dont want to see anyone cry because of me. I want to point them forward, to be positive, to be brave, to appreciate what they have, to continue to learn from everyone through their learning journey. 

Actually teaching is as much about building relationships and building rapport. And the kids are full of life....I looked out for each one of them, more especially for the quiet. I like being with them because i can be myself....Not full of defenses and wariness.

many would ask, why leave? its a question i did also ask myself. Not because i doubt myself. But in my nature, i would want to query myself....

i cant subscribe to a system, a 'brand' that i cant identify with; I am not prepared to go along with the culture of the majority, and 'worked as a team' in things i do not believe. I know this place is really not for me. I knew it when I started out...and considered over weeks, and was given a further period to reconsider. I did reconsider....in case it was just my failure to adapt and adjust.....and to the end, i still had the choice....but, in finality, i knew it is the 'right' decision, because its the decision that i can be at peace within.

I have long realised that being at peace with one within does not mean no heartaches. Actually, my life is full of heartaches. I feel too easily. I care too easily. 

I dont know what lies ahead. There are some things i need to see to, to complete (if i ever complete) in the next two months. I hope next year will start without an albatross....and without too much of a wilderness....

I do wish, really wish that i can stay meaningful and relevant....i do know, school can sometimes gives one the wider impact....its been a very long time since i taught 120 kids in one go. Thats alot. Given time, alot can be done. But to do so so under a structure and system that i have to follow when it goes against the grain within....I no longer find there is a need to suffer it. 

Also, health will not hold up under that kind of strain. I did leave the door open, and there can be opportunity to return for short stints. But only if its going to be meaningful and where an impact of value can be made. 

I am happy that it has been a fruitful and very meaningful stint. And i guess heart aches is part of the price to pay.....

as to what lies ahead....live each day meaningfully....a little something for a little someone.


================================
This was the good bye message sent to all via Edmodo platform ( I rather like this means of communication with the kids) and capturing their responses....every word means alot to me....they probably dont realise how much their words count....because like the kids who put their heart and life into their music, their art, their writing, their photography... i really give my heart and life to teaching and to my kids.

Dear all,
Time to say Good-bye. Yes, I will still be in school next week, but in the quick cursory greetings, its not possible to convey my thoughts. My link with this Edmodo will end when my rgs email terminates which should be 30 October 2014. I will miss this platform for it is really a good means of communication.

First of all, Let me say, thank you very much. I really enjoy teaching every class. Yes, every class. Despite, the flashes of anger, at times disappointments, given a choice, I would not change anything to have this experience with you. Every one of you. My regret is, I was not able to help each one of you.

I am fully aware that I could appear to be intimidating to some of you, and resulted in the reluctance of a few of you to approach me. I do know who you are. But time not being on my side, I was not able to reach out to you. And I do feel bad. Actually quite bad. 

For some of you, though I have impacted you, it was not sufficient for you to cultivate a habit of continual learning and constancy. Please remember that hard work always pay off. And last minute dash, however successful it may be sometimes, is short lived. Math has to be build on a foundation of skill and concepts. Not by sheer blind practice, and guessing what will or will not come out. 

I have enjoyed almost every classroom lessons. I actually like it best when I see you all thinking during class graded exercises and tests. Ultimately that is the objective, not 'tormenting' you in tests, but to see you all think, and applying what you learn. There were some moments in classroom I came out feeling very happy when I see you all learn and understand. Those moments I value very much.

It requires discipline to build up a habit of learning, and growing. Don't study because of marks. Study because it develops your mind, and mental capacity. Be positive. Be responsible for your learning. And find the joy of doing so. Cultivate the frame of mind, instead of complaining and comparing. 

I also need to thank the girls who took the trouble to write notes to me......your words were of immense encouragement to me....like all of you, sometimes one can also be down, no matter how strong or wise. Reading your notes made it all worthwhile. I do also appreciate the gestures of thanks shown. Sorry, I didnt acknowledge them earlier. I considered, and thought its best to leave till this moment so that I can keep professionalism. Thank you very much indeed.

For me, it has been a wonderful and fruitful year of teaching because of all of you. I will remember you. :)
My email address is siokhui.sie@gmail.com. Keep working hard, and remember A chain is a strong as its weakest link. Wishing you all every good that life can bring for you,

Sincerely yours,
SH Sie 

• Jin Xinyang 金. said Oct 25, 2014

  Thank you Ms Sie :) Miss you already. Thanks for being such a great teacher!!!
• 
  Har Ching D. said Oct 25, 2014

  THANKS Ms Sie!! :D
  I actually hoped that you might continue teaching our class...enjoy your time without us though HAHAHA :)
• 
  Loh L. said Oct 26, 2014

  Thank you Ms Sie :-)
• 
  Tan Hui Ying (105) . said Oct 26, 2014

  Thank you for teaching us Ms Sie! We won't forget you and have a great time with your cats :D ( = ^ _ ^ = )
• 
  Gayathri B. said Oct 26, 2014

  Thanks Ms Sie! We will always remember you! :D
• 
  Fangxin S. said Oct 26, 2014

  THANK YOU MS SIE!!! WE WILL REMEMBER YOU!!!
• 
  Fu S. said Oct 26, 2014

  Thank you Ms Sie for everything that you have done for us :) You've been really patient with us and we really appreciate that XD
• 
  Fabrianne E. said Oct 26, 2014

  Thank you Ms Sie!! We will never forget you! :)))
• 
  Phua H. said Oct 26, 2014

  Thank you Ms sie! You have empowered and inspired us and we really appreciate that. Thanks for enlightening me whenever I have doubts. Stay awesome!!! :D
• 
  Valerie L. said Oct 26, 2014

  Thank you Ms Sie!
• 
  Sum Yin C. said Oct 26, 2014

  Thank you Ms Sie!! Will remember you!! :)))))))
• 
  Jeeval (105) M. said Oct 26, 2014

  Thank you so much Ms Sie for everything you have done for each and every one of us! We will always remember you! :))
• 
  Emily H. said Oct 26, 2014

  Thank you Ms Sie! It is also really enjoyable to be taught by you! We will remember you:) ( okay does this creepy? 😂 ) i hope that you will have a fun and enjoyable ( #lackofvocabulary ) life. Tiger too XD )
• 
  Si Min L. said Oct 26, 2014

  Thanks Ms Sie! Will always remember you :)
• 
  Pathomporn Maxine A. said Oct 26, 2014

  Thank you so much Ms Sie!!!! :D
• 
  Alexandra T. said Oct 26, 2014

  Thank you so much for everything you have taught us and done this past year, it's been great being taught by you! We will always remember what an awesome and wonderful teacher you are :) We'll miss you! :D
• 
  Anandi W. said Oct 26, 2014

  Thank you so much Ms Sie!
• 
  Maxine W. said Oct 27, 2014

  Thanks for all your guidance and help! And your quick replies on this platform. Your kindness really encouraged me to work harder and I am grateful to have had you as my teacher. :D I hope you will come back to visit or maybe even teach! :) Thanks again!!!
• 
  Lim Z. said Yesterday

  Thanks for everything Ms Sie! It's kinda depressing that you're not gonna continue teaching us... Will remember you :)
• 
  Tammy T. said Yesterday

  Thank you for all you have done for us, Math would not have been as simple or enjoyable otherwise! You are a truly amazing teacher, you really made me love Math! Thank you :)
• 
  Linda Z. said Yesterday

  Thank you Ms. Sie! Having you as a maths teacher is really great. I appreciate your efforts in making us like maths and I feel that you have succeeded! You have done a lot for us and I am grateful for everything. Hope you will continue living a fruitful life! Thank you:D
• 
  Melissa C. said Yesterday

  Thanks Ms Sie!
• 
  Kimberly L. said Yesterday

  Thank you for guiding us through and helping us along the way, Ms Sie! We appreciate everything that you've done for us. We'll miss you! :)
• 
  Ratnam A. said Yesterday

  Thank you so much for everything Ms Sie!! We will miss you !!!
• 
  Riko N. said Yesterday

  Thank you Ms Sie! Thank you for putting in the extra effort to stay back and help us after school, and encouraging us along the way:-) I am truly touched by all the help you have given me. Math is officially one of my favourite subjects:D You will always be one of our favourite teachers, and we will remember you too:D (p.s. can u pls stay we'll miss you a lot :'( )
• 
  Bridget L. said 4 hours ago

  Thank you Ms Sie. We will really miss you. :')
• 
  Zhang Y. said 1 hour ago

  Thank you so much Ms Sie :D we will miss you so much and thank you so much for teaching us :)
  

  • 
    Jiachen L. - Thank you so much for everything, Ms Sie! :D We'll miss you!!! :)
  • 
    Brigittee t. - Thanks so much Ms Sie! Thanks for showing us results aren't everything. I have learnt so much from you even though you did not teach us for very long :-( We will remember you for everything, not only teaching us Math, but your kindness, patience and dedication. Will definitely take your advice seriously! We will miss you !! :-)
    

    • Katrina L. said Oct 31, 2014

      Thank you so much for everything Ms Sie. Thanks for guiding us. Thanks for making math so interesting and enjoyable. Thanks for being our maths teacher. We will miss you :))))
  • 
    
• 
  

with the flow of time....

Almost mid October, and in less than 3 weeks, I would be ending the teaching stint. It has been a immensely satisfying one, and there were many moments of classroom joy. The kids have been sweet. Being young, I don't expect that they will be in touch for long. I only hope, some values have been imparted.  Whether I will return back to classrooms again remains to be seen. I have done so again and again when asked. But each time, I worry that the spark I have with kids may be lost. So far it hadn't. But there will be a day it would be? At least not in the immediate months ahead. I need a hiatus to clear some things. Everything remains to be seen....

And once again, one has to face the road ahead. There are still some knots to tie, obligatory knots that should end by this year. Then its the expanse ahead of me, till the destination. All due preparation have been made and the remaining one or two minor arrangments  will be made, even for the end. Being alone and different, I want to arrange for my own end. Mum and dad had me. I have no one. I love simplicity. Actually, mum thought of a lot of things. But there were things she could not face. And dad could not face either. But, by grace and faith in the Lord, I can. I am writing out even words on the epitaph.  In all these, I am peaceable. The Lord is my Shepherd.

The destination is the end that I have lived for. But between now and then, may it not be another howling wilderness.

Pain is bound to be present. There will be a day without T n B. That would be a very very sad day. But I will rejoice in having their companionship and giving them a lovely life. It would be really alone from then.

And the inevitable will also come from one quarter or another, and that will always be very painful.  In some ways, I have insulated myself from 'family'. The truth is, whatever physical form of gathering, I was always alone. I guess we all tried. We are just too different. And I really don't want to be 'involved' in ways that are alien to me. I really do not wish to compel myself to do so. If my days should be far longer than I wish, it is not my intent to depend on any of them.

I need to take stock at the moment. The Lord willing, I will stay here till the end of T n B. I hope by then, ls will seriously consider and agree to move in with me, to a smaller unit. I don't know how I can make my days meaningful, but I hope I can. As long as I remain prudent, I should have less worry about provision.

I made the trip to Penang, convincing myself to travel. But actually, it was very difficult. When I felt sick in my tummy, perhaps due to long travelling in the car, it so bring back those awful feeling from childhood and adulthood that I have kept in a black box. Those moments of recollection of unwellness, being lost, and no one understanding or caring are bad memories. This is not to say I wasn't well taken care off. I was. Very well. The trip was too short, and hence tiring.  I realised that being with a group of chaps, however kind and considerate, is not quite easy. I felt bad that they have to consider for me all the time. They were really sweet, but I guess I felt I was a burden. And in my soul and spirit, I have no ease. Maybe its because of T n B. I don't know. I just know, I didn't feel well at all. It would be some time before I would consider travelling.

=================================

The last batch of kid that I have taught at nushs will graduate soon. I don't know if I should go for their graduation night. E says that will be a closure. I don't know. I will miss them. Would I have any more kids to mentor? I do not know. The gap gets wider and its no longer easy in classrooms. The impact is different. And time alone will tell how long the bond with all the kids that I had tught will remain. The same with J and K. When they graduate from uni, when work and family come in, it would be different.

I will miss them. But I take great comfort when I see them through the leaves of my memories, and the sweet companionship that we shared. Perhaps this is where its different when you have your own family, your own children. Yet, I think, if I was asked to make a choice, I think I would still choose this pathway, that allow me to walk with many more kids through their paths, share their lives at some moments, before they move on. Someone said in passing, you love freedom too much. Don't think the person meant it in great depth, but those words hit home.

I realised that every time I come across a situation where there is a possible 'bind', I panicked. I remembered writing about freedom in a post in July 2010. I fear being fettered. But I can keep discipline and can take bonds that many wouldn't take. By choice, because of the need to consider others. If the cause is worthwhile. Choosing to do so is also freedom. Its not to say, the choice is always right.

But yes, I have a free spirit. And there is a price for it too. Aloneness is one of them, and with it loneliness. As age continually slips in, I cant say whether it is harder or not. In some ways it is easier because you come to terms with things. Less turbulent, more stoic, more stable. And hopefully more wisdom. In some ways, it is harder, because physical strength and well being is not on your side. And some ailments that set in are things one has to accept. But it is nothing compared to when one sees the young afflicted bodily. That is really heart wrenching and tragic.

===========================
This is a post to take stock within my soul. I know it is important for one to acknowledge both strengths and weakness within ourselves, and to face the many fears within. I want to face them with courage and with the openness and frankness that I have always dealt with issues, both pertaining to myself or others. I acknowledge that at this very moment, there is a feeling of sadness and fears of uncertainty. But it is not overwhelming. Its not health that I fear. Its not being able to make my life meaningful to others that I fear. And falling down slippery slopes of darkness....

ssh, if you see how far you have come since 2009, when this blog started, truly you have a lot a lot to be thankful for. And truly I have and am very grateful.

No one knows what a day can bring. Each day is nearer to the destination that life leads. And for those who believe in the Lord, each day is nearer to the day of redemption. For which we live for. More than any other time, I want to live each day as if that was the last. Make it meaningful. I don't want my last days to be one that is a burden to others. I would wish though that it would not be a lonely end, without comfort. I will trust in the Lord.

Whatever a day may bring, I will cast all my cares on the Lord, for he careth for me.  And may the light that he hath shone within my soul, be seen by others. O let my life count in bearing the testimony in this faith that I have helieved with all my heart from my youth, even the word of the truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

Charity faileth not.