with the flow of time....

Almost mid October, and in less than 3 weeks, I would be ending the teaching stint. It has been a immensely satisfying one, and there were many moments of classroom joy. The kids have been sweet. Being young, I don't expect that they will be in touch for long. I only hope, some values have been imparted.  Whether I will return back to classrooms again remains to be seen. I have done so again and again when asked. But each time, I worry that the spark I have with kids may be lost. So far it hadn't. But there will be a day it would be? At least not in the immediate months ahead. I need a hiatus to clear some things. Everything remains to be seen....

And once again, one has to face the road ahead. There are still some knots to tie, obligatory knots that should end by this year. Then its the expanse ahead of me, till the destination. All due preparation have been made and the remaining one or two minor arrangments  will be made, even for the end. Being alone and different, I want to arrange for my own end. Mum and dad had me. I have no one. I love simplicity. Actually, mum thought of a lot of things. But there were things she could not face. And dad could not face either. But, by grace and faith in the Lord, I can. I am writing out even words on the epitaph.  In all these, I am peaceable. The Lord is my Shepherd.

The destination is the end that I have lived for. But between now and then, may it not be another howling wilderness.

Pain is bound to be present. There will be a day without T n B. That would be a very very sad day. But I will rejoice in having their companionship and giving them a lovely life. It would be really alone from then.

And the inevitable will also come from one quarter or another, and that will always be very painful.  In some ways, I have insulated myself from 'family'. The truth is, whatever physical form of gathering, I was always alone. I guess we all tried. We are just too different. And I really don't want to be 'involved' in ways that are alien to me. I really do not wish to compel myself to do so. If my days should be far longer than I wish, it is not my intent to depend on any of them.

I need to take stock at the moment. The Lord willing, I will stay here till the end of T n B. I hope by then, ls will seriously consider and agree to move in with me, to a smaller unit. I don't know how I can make my days meaningful, but I hope I can. As long as I remain prudent, I should have less worry about provision.

I made the trip to Penang, convincing myself to travel. But actually, it was very difficult. When I felt sick in my tummy, perhaps due to long travelling in the car, it so bring back those awful feeling from childhood and adulthood that I have kept in a black box. Those moments of recollection of unwellness, being lost, and no one understanding or caring are bad memories. This is not to say I wasn't well taken care off. I was. Very well. The trip was too short, and hence tiring.  I realised that being with a group of chaps, however kind and considerate, is not quite easy. I felt bad that they have to consider for me all the time. They were really sweet, but I guess I felt I was a burden. And in my soul and spirit, I have no ease. Maybe its because of T n B. I don't know. I just know, I didn't feel well at all. It would be some time before I would consider travelling.

=================================

The last batch of kid that I have taught at nushs will graduate soon. I don't know if I should go for their graduation night. E says that will be a closure. I don't know. I will miss them. Would I have any more kids to mentor? I do not know. The gap gets wider and its no longer easy in classrooms. The impact is different. And time alone will tell how long the bond with all the kids that I had tught will remain. The same with J and K. When they graduate from uni, when work and family come in, it would be different.

I will miss them. But I take great comfort when I see them through the leaves of my memories, and the sweet companionship that we shared. Perhaps this is where its different when you have your own family, your own children. Yet, I think, if I was asked to make a choice, I think I would still choose this pathway, that allow me to walk with many more kids through their paths, share their lives at some moments, before they move on. Someone said in passing, you love freedom too much. Don't think the person meant it in great depth, but those words hit home.

I realised that every time I come across a situation where there is a possible 'bind', I panicked. I remembered writing about freedom in a post in July 2010. I fear being fettered. But I can keep discipline and can take bonds that many wouldn't take. By choice, because of the need to consider others. If the cause is worthwhile. Choosing to do so is also freedom. Its not to say, the choice is always right.

But yes, I have a free spirit. And there is a price for it too. Aloneness is one of them, and with it loneliness. As age continually slips in, I cant say whether it is harder or not. In some ways it is easier because you come to terms with things. Less turbulent, more stoic, more stable. And hopefully more wisdom. In some ways, it is harder, because physical strength and well being is not on your side. And some ailments that set in are things one has to accept. But it is nothing compared to when one sees the young afflicted bodily. That is really heart wrenching and tragic.

===========================
This is a post to take stock within my soul. I know it is important for one to acknowledge both strengths and weakness within ourselves, and to face the many fears within. I want to face them with courage and with the openness and frankness that I have always dealt with issues, both pertaining to myself or others. I acknowledge that at this very moment, there is a feeling of sadness and fears of uncertainty. But it is not overwhelming. Its not health that I fear. Its not being able to make my life meaningful to others that I fear. And falling down slippery slopes of darkness....

ssh, if you see how far you have come since 2009, when this blog started, truly you have a lot a lot to be thankful for. And truly I have and am very grateful.

No one knows what a day can bring. Each day is nearer to the destination that life leads. And for those who believe in the Lord, each day is nearer to the day of redemption. For which we live for. More than any other time, I want to live each day as if that was the last. Make it meaningful. I don't want my last days to be one that is a burden to others. I would wish though that it would not be a lonely end, without comfort. I will trust in the Lord.

Whatever a day may bring, I will cast all my cares on the Lord, for he careth for me.  And may the light that he hath shone within my soul, be seen by others. O let my life count in bearing the testimony in this faith that I have helieved with all my heart from my youth, even the word of the truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

Charity faileth not.