Pensive 沉思

Sometimes i write in English because it is alot faster. But really, i would have preferred to be able to express my thoughts in the more beautiful language to me....

It has been a 'busy' period, not in terms of the work that needed to be done, yes, that is aplenty, and piling into a mountain....i guess at this stage of my life, 'work' per se is not the priority, though of course it needs to be done. Its people that matters to me.

So yes, over 8 days, i have been to nushs 4 times, attended 3 senior recitals and 1 art exhibition. I always thought it is very meaningful that the arts and music program require the students majoring in it to put up a recital/exhibition as a graduating criteria. And over 7 years, I have faithfully attended when invited. Some, in fact, most of the kids, I don't know too well. But I know their heart and 'life' work is in these productions. I know my attendance would not add any weight, apart from appreciation that I took the trouble. To me, I just want to share that precious fleeting moments of the culmination of the 'creation' and 'formation' of many years of diligence and imagination of these kids. When i see them play/sing with such passion and engrossment, and see the beauty of their art pieces, I feel gratified to have been a minuscule part of their lives. It does not matter whether I had impacted them, I was there for part of their growth. And most importantly, they grow so beautifully. This is very meaningful to me.

This being the last batch of students I had taught in 2011 also made them very special to me. I like that simplicity in the school. Though I guess, there are cons about it too. How much more our paths will cross remain to be seen. There is a well of sentiments..... but thankfully, my rational mind has the upper hand. Also, I do count my blessings and my silver linings. At least, I have come across them, and it has been a lovely time with these kids. A couple are truly very special.

Its not to say i dont love my present kids. I do. They are sweet. I deliberately miss T's day celebration today, the liberty of being on 'ad hoc terms'. Frankly I outgrew T's day celebrations decades ago. To me, thats meaningless. Good enough, they thanked me at the end of class each day. However, I did appreciate and was touched to receive cards from the few kids that took the trouble to write in advance knowing I wont be around. It was what they wrote that really struck the inner chords. If it was just to make that little difference to these few, it has been worthwhile already. I remembered I was not particularly thrilled to teach year 1s. That is not the level that I relate best with. But wc said to me, she felt lost in year 1....and there would be kids like her there. I thought unlikely, since they are really bright kids and full of confidence. But I was wrong. There were. I remembered what she said throughout this stint, and looked out for them. But the notes did come from unexpected quarters. I was touched. Very.  I will miss them. But, I think, for the moment, I really need to halt at the end of this semester. I dont want to be dictated and carried along by the tides of structures and whims of the times. Not any more. But it is a lovely time with these kids. Dont think they realise how much they mean to me actually....nurturing them over these 6 months....

I dont know if this really would be the last of my teaching stint. I know i have said it many times....the difference is, age liabilities appear more prominently....and yes, I am stretched....and i guess, i no longer am prepared to test my elasticity. I am not prepared to be there and not be able to go the extra mile....

But i do know, i  truly love teaching. I love seeing kids grow.....it is like seeing the whole metamorphosis into a butterfly....beautiful....for every kid. Every kid is beautiful. I only wish i could have helped more. Time and energy are great limiting factors. we will see....

And yes, always lovely to hear from kids from different eras of my life....i hope the multiplier effect continues...

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Whether its being stretched, or niggering health issues, it hasnt been a comfortable time. I also realised, however tight you seal the past, it does haunt your subconscious manifest in intricate weaving of confusion in dreams....disturbing. Highly. Deep sigh. I had to remind myself on awakening that the past cannot have a bind on me. Anymore. No one has. I am free. Thankfully, so far, have not spiralled signifcantly.

In other matters,  I have settled at my end what i need. But the closure of some issues are not with me. Two persons. Dk and Cg. Yes, its an abiding sadness that gnaws at my inner core... . To me, T and B came in when i lost these two dear friends. It shouldnt be so.

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Perhaps at this age, reminiscence is unavoidable. The good part is, some friendships are renewed more strongly. Kuech managed to get me out for dinner with cl last week. We were all surprised that I actually agreed impromptu. I guess, at this age, there is abit more time. And the company is palatable, on the whole, music appreciators. I had minded in the past because of the difference of social status....but i have put that aside.

Next few days, another bout of catching up since it is 'school break' (which is a euphemism for breathing time to catch up on work.. )...mostly with kids, and El.

I dont know what lies ahead. May resume tcm lessons. Will resume music. For the rest.....keep up meaningfulness. Keep up little things for a little someone. Keep up till the end of days...till the Lord be merciful to take me home.

I still have wishes. But, I am content if things remain so. If placidity prevails, I am content. Sad....but that's part of life. At least not tragedy.

Only that it would not be too hard and difficult and not too alone, at the end. In the Lord, put I my trust.