Change

It has been a long time since I write an objective post on a topic. There are many topics that I wanted to write, and I hope I would get down to it. The last two days, for the first time, I finally felt I have a grasp of things, and not just surviving. I hope to remain this way and have a clearer pathway for more writing. Having cleared what I have wanted for the week, I thought to reward myself to settle in here to write.....and of the many things that float in my mind, I thought of 'change' .....

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Some days ago, whilst listening to someone recounting some events, she said, I changed a lot, and went on to illustrate how she has grown in wariness with dealings with people . Her friend also quipped in that she too has changed and was no longer that cheerful. I pointed out that in the process of growth, such 'changes' are part of it. And just because we react to a situation differently due to environmental factors does not really mean we have changed fundamentally.

That conversation reminded me of someone asking me some 6-7 years back whether he had changed as he had been told that he had. I replied, I don't know if you had changed, but you were different from the earlier period that I knew you. He muttered, you and your semantics. I said it was not a matter of semantics, because the difference observed may not have been change at all and could have been present all along but not seen because one hadn't known the person well enough , or the trait could have been dormant and circumstances showed it up. There are many perspectives to a person.

Then I remembered also another conversation some 3 years back. A good colleague commented, don't expect a person to change once past 30, unless something catastrophic happens. He used 30 as a benchmark I guess because at that age, most would have been stable. The two persons in the first scenario are under 30, and the chap in the second case is over 30. So really our views concur though from different perspectives.

I still feel nothing is really absolute. Its true that a big crisis can be a much needed turning point in moulding character, or turning a person round but it can also be a breaking point, or the 'excuse' to guard one's own ends in the name of bad experience.

Where there is growth, we grow into a new phase, and become 'different', but it is part of oneself growing into it. Sometimes it can be negative growth, and hopefully, there will be a time of pruning the unhealthy growth. To me, this growing into 'a phase' is not a change. Its our 'becoming' something. For instance, we can become more patient, more open, less reactive etc. Of course it can also be the reverse. It is really a becoming, rather than a change.

There are times that we seem to see a drastic change in a person, for instance a very quiet person unexpectedly take on the role of a  highly articulate public figure after a space of time. It is usually not sudden or immediate. The space of time would have provided the opportunity to develop what was latent, which the old circumstance could have stifled, or a lack of self-esteem did not bring the quality to fruition earlier.

Actually, growth is something we undermine. The growth environment, whether nurturing or the lack thereof, is a strong moulding factor. And like nature, each tree, each plant bear forth flowers and fruits at different phases, in different seasons, at different time interval, so that is true of everyone. Growth is continual, taking place all the time, though home and school play pivotal roles. We tend only to see 'input' and 'outcome', a function relationship that is quite static.

And whilst its fairly true to say one's values is formed and rooted by 30, if one keeps a frame to learn and grow, then we would continually be 'becoming into' a 'new change' which is a part of ourself transforming. Age should not be a limit. There is a lot latent in ourselves to learn and grow though possibly the growth is at a decreasing rate. Its fearful and tragic to reach a stage that one thinks one knows it all, and think one has developed to one's best.

So in a way, yes, we continually change, (hopefully always for the better, more positives, less negatives), and yet we are not really changing, but growing into a better self (it has got to be better!). Its stagnancy that we should fight against. That's different from constancy.

 If time is not a factor accounted for in a seeming significant change, then I would say there could be three situations. One, there had been a misjudgement somewhere on the part of the observer. Then, it could be a deliberate misrepresentation by the 'changed' person. And the third case, some intrinsic factors, health, pressure, stress, unknown circumstances have impacted the person to deviate from one's norm. A good and sensitive friend can do a lot to help cross this stretch....and the 'change' is not irreversible. This is where discerning and perceiving is important.

And sometimes, we are 'different' not because we have changed, but being aware of certain traits in ourselves, we have made effort to exercise restrain and keep a façade that is more appropriate or in consideration of the circumstance or for certain persons. This self-restraint can be practised to perfection sometimes, when inwardly actually, the same trait remains. This would have been seen by others as a change. The self-restrain do come with a price though.

Self awareness, self analysis is sadly missing in many. In a way, it is the lack of development of the metacognition. This is different from being introspective and being continually fixated on oneself. Self awareness helps one to understand how others view us (not that that is always important), and help us make adjustments. This is sometimes what is called environmental quotient. And it does help to save situations and ease difficult moments and relationships, especially in home situation and at work.

I know this sounds somewhat like rambling....yet, I feel, awareness of the factors of  'change' will help us, and help us with others.

This is an objective analytical post.