悟到

A couple of days ago, I read a message that says, " I 悟到 this meaning during my leave after I make some breakthrough that time."

The highly apt use of the phrase 悟到 struck me. Somehow the English equivalent of it would be weak.

There are some words that is more suited to use Chinese. This word is translated as 'realised’ or 'understand'. Yet somehow there is a gap between the words in the two languages. There is something about 悟到, it somehow conveys a perception, an inwardness in the realization. There is a 'heart' in it. A feel.

I have always pondered about the words: know, realised, perceived, understand, discover, each with their nuances. I admit I prefer the Chinese vocabulary in this realm：知道，明白，理解, 领悟，觉悟，意识，体会. Apart from the first three that are commonly used, the remaining has a depth and a feel that is not just about knowing or understanding. Maybe English is a more rational language?

One is supposed to have better understanding and knowledge with increasing years. True in some sense. And the more knowledge, the more sorrow. Says Solomon, known to be the wisest man in Proverbs. He says in Ecclesiates, there is nothing new under the sun. Actually, very simply, its true. Starkly true, once all the façade is torn down.

Then again, I sometimes find myself less certain, less definitive, more confounded. One concept that eludes me for instance is the concept of equality, or fairness. And even the concept of justice. When young, I was so certain. I no longer am. What is equality? How to build a society based on it if the concept is not clear and means different things to different people? Am I always seeing exceptions? I don't believe I am. I could go on.....but discretion dictates otherwise.

Today, I saw an occasion when a few people took pledges for an event. In my heart, I ask, can really these be kept? Sincerely wishing to keep promises, and pledging to keep them in solemnity is another thing altogether. Perhaps young I would have complied. Now, I wont. I daren't. And need I? Why must these pledges be set up by organisations?

Some weeks ago, I met up with G, this is our annual meet, though she didn't return in 2013. She will be graduating from medic school this year. It was always good catching up with her. There is somehow an affinity with her.  Its almost ten years now, since I first taught her as a young 14 year old gep student. She remarked about my 'anti-establishment' trait because I said, I don't care about results, prizes, awards. She loves them as she has plenty of them. She is a very bright girl. That's fine. I am happy for her whenever she shared with me her achievements.

I didn't attend my uni convocation, and never regretted it. I see no purpose in the ceremony, in wearing the graduation gown etc. Is this anti-establishment? I don't know. Despite what I have felt, I have survived systems and structures and more than survive, I did my best to help every kid in the system.  Very fairly, I have kept within the circumferences drawn, and taught my kids to do the same. I am thankful that I have worked under principals that had given me leeway.  I don't support mavericks, nor lawlessness.

Is it me that always seem to be different? If one was to wind back to time as it was, why do we have all these ceremonies? To mark the occasion for what? To create the distinction of a class above others? I may not be as smart or achieve to great heights or a geek, but I know I do a lot more in-depth thinking than the average. And I care more, perceive more,did a lot more planning for the sake of others, often without their knowing because I perceived things in advance. I count it my due to do so, because I have been blessed with the perception.  And I am happy to remain in the background, insignificant, inconspicuous, and don't mind even being misunderstood if good can come out of it.

I detest pomp. I detest showmanship. I detest systems. I detest upmanship. I detest glitter and glitz.

I somehow belong to a different era. I long to return to a village life, to simplicity, just being with nature....yes like a sheep in need of a Shepherd.  I long for simplicity and tranquillity. I long for true knowledge and wisdom.

And even as I also 悟到 many many truths, and in my soul, I know the promises that I made in my heart for those I care, I will keep them, I don't need external impositions and promises to care, nor need I make declarations for others to know......I remain ever lonely....and alone. It is painful to understand too many things, more precisely 悟到.

At this moment, the soul is painful. It has been for some months......