vacuum

It was not my intent to write a post within this period.....needed time to resolve some issues within.

Today is the day of seeing T1 and T2 and that has always been a pleasure. And with a good news earlier, it should have helped end the day on a more positive note. It was one of those rare occasions that I stayed on for dinner. Baby J was fretty and had been restless and crying.

Then B1 started to talk....of the past....my babyhood.....that I was always like that, crying....and how frightening it was to him, that I was thrown onto a mattress when I got into these fits....how mum was very impatient, and get into a fury ....etc.....that I was sent away to a nanny's place for more than a year. I did know there were missing bits in the 'stories' of my growth. I was finally brought back about two years old, and still one that cried far too often... and towels were be pushed into my mouth to stop me crying..... I had memories of that at later years when I cried or coughed.... I think those moments were traumatic to B1 as well...he had mentioned ( a few times by now....he had been relating stories after mum was gone) how his heart would beat very quickly, never sure whether what would happen when I got shut into the room to be dealt with.....he claimed to 'save' me when he could on a few occasions...... I didn't remember that... I only knew childhood was filled with fears and tears....frightened to be noticed....yet wishing for some kindness and love..... I vaguely remembered a domestic helper that was very kind to me, but had to leave, and I did remember crying and crying in desolation....I think that was 4 or 5. That was the only scene I remembered, her leaving, and wishing that I would find her one day.... And S1 kindness to me a few times.... And dad was always kind, if I saw him. If he had time, which he seldom had, in the circumstance that we were....I remembered when I attended school, I would go the church during recess time alone....pleading for help somehow....

all these came flooding back.....very painful.....

I did note that B1 tend to talk about the past, as he gets older. He should be 66. What he, S1, B2, ML, sk, bil didn't realise is, their way of distressing, talking about mum, dad, or what they did, or what so and so did, is  very very painful to me. They didn't somehow realise that the wound and impact runs very deep....sometimes, I almost wanted to react....but I didnt. I characteristically didn't say anything much. I guess they will always see me as one that somehow always managed, and is somehow always strong, and somehow very different from everyone. It is really almost like I am distinctly on my own.

Sometimes when people say don't dwell on the past ( I say the same to others as well at times), or when  they counter it with their own bad experiences as illustrations of how everyone has bad times, actually they don't understand what it is to have a life, void of good memories of childhood. And I am not one that dwell in the past. If I was, I think it would be impossible to be positive. But not dwelling does not negate its existence. That is part of my life. How to erase it?

As one grows older, one remembers more and more of the past. Young people get impatient when adults relate or want to relate stories of the past. Actually I love to listen to those stories. It add so much dimension to the person. And in turn, I always managed to churn interesting stories to entertain my kids. All is about life in school.

But, it is exceedingly painful for me for in  looking back at a stage of life that many can have so many happy stories and memories, I have none. It didn't help that even as I grew out of childhood, the responsibilities that had to be taken as things got more difficult....and others took flight to take care of themselves and their families... there were times, it was just I, me, myself....I wonder if they ever felt bad.....I suppose by getting me over for meals (which is not an easy task), and relating stories of the past, that they had their share also, is a way of making up?  And I did make things so much  worse for myself with many bad judgments and mistakes.  Very bad ones.

The choice is between voiding out everything into a blank, or the pain of remembering the unlovedness  that seemed to be the lifelong emblem.  I don't know which is more painful, which is possible to bear..... I only know, at the moment, when there are other inner conflicts, the wound runs deep.

Lesson learnt. Should be on my guard to avoid this in future....  it seemed strange that 'family' meals are the times that I have greater need to take caution at different levels....actually, I really dread family gatherings/meals......

And tomorrow marked the fourth year we buried mum.....

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I guess that's why I love nature. It is pure, undefiled, unspoilt. And kids.

And yes, it is better to be alone, closeted in my dream, in my own world sometimes. In a vacuum

i would wish i can say, someday, i would walk out of all these.....yet i know, somehow, because deep within, i guess it wont be quite possible. unless my journey can be shorter....which would be good.