space...

after this weekend, I don't know if I am going to have the luxury to be back here....often, sheer tiredness is enough to drive the flow of words and thoughts. nevertheless I am grateful for these few days of space...breather....

today is a good day unexpectedly. Two days ago,  El had contacted me to meet for lunch today. I rarely turn El down. She has been very sisterly to me really since scgs days, though our acquaintance dates into 1980. So really it is a 30 year old friendship.
I cant say why, but I was energised by the more than 2 hour lunch conversation. I guess, there is a lot of commonality...in education, in faith, in many common paths. And I guess, she is a person that I can be myself. And I do appreciate the fact that she values me.

For some, valuation is what is measurable. For others, it is a worth, not measureable. Yes, its comforting cos El knows me and values me. As I do her. Her serene disposition always has a calming effect on me. So, it was a good sharing. On many many issues. Education, values, the path of our nation.

This has been the 'highest' perk over the doldrums the last few weeks. Hence I feel, I should make a note of it, to encourage myself. When the dark clouds clear....somehow, surely they will clear....I said to El, lets go and take a course on calligraphy. Yes, I think I and we should really structure our lives outside of schools....one day, we will. And she agreed.

I must look at things from different angles, from different perspectives. I must give myself things to look forward to, things to move on, whilst waiting for the day of redemption. I must take control, instead of letting events and consideration over-run my life. And in some things, yes, perhaps its time to call it a day....

Am thankful for friends and as always ex students. There are some dear faces that I would have loved to see, but have not, for various reasons. I hope somehow there would be time to do so. Had managed to see kuech, cl, and mag last fri, and also caught up with pc last week, oh and hc on wed. It was a good meet also with liwoon on Monday...93 batch kid....keeping that avenue open for some voluntary opportunity. She is a very very lovely kid. Was good to see sp yesterday....a steady chap...whose potential I hope to see realised in time to come. And yes, a nice long lunch with J on thursday, and a really good conversation. There were other kids that I didn't see cos I couldn't fit in, and  really didn't have the energy. Its not just time. Its energy. More limited than I realised....(and my list of to-do stuff remains undone).... Still I am thankful that till now, yes, there is rarely a week that passed, that somehow, I would hear from someone. As life gets solitary, its good to remember and be remembered....

I managed to have the energy to visit J2. ..I have stopped for a few weeks, when I noted T1 was unhappy. T2 was still fine. I told J2, I want to be their grand-aunt first, and always. Not a math tutor. I was very sad that the usual excited reception I always had was lost somehow in the dreading of math. So, I stopped the lessons. I need them to dissociate me from math. When I dropped by on Thursday, T1 was  out, having art lesson in a class nearby. So I missed him. R suggested that since it was close by, I should just dropped in and say hi before I go. I did. He looked so happy with the paint brush doing his art. I was glad to see him happy. And his eyes did lit up when he saw me. That is all I want. I don't want to make any kid unhappy. Much less over math. I was glad I stopped, at least for the moment. 

At this moment, things are relatively peaceful. A month to zg wedding...hopefully within the interim yl holds out....I hope, I really hope things can pull through for as long as possible. I daren't think.....so, I guess best not think.

This is for me to keep track of the positives. Must focus on the positives. Must always look up. Must always look at the silver lining. Its not always that easy. That pain in the soul can be quite perpetual. But, today, there is a lifting of the spirit. And when its so, I am very grateful.

The space would soon be squeezed out at what is ahead....but I have set buoys at timely interval to keep me afloat.

J reminded me of the goal I had set, a little something for a little someone....yes, I have forgotten that....yes, just a little something, for a little someone is enough, each day. And don't let what that in the space of time, is but a drop in the ocean so easily rattles one spirit. Its not worth it. Really not worth it.

Keep a steady path. If there is inspiration, I will be back tomorrow. Being here is a treat to myself. At least it means, I have the energy, and my thoughts are not choked.

yes, space. I need them. Really need them.