Pause

Its really time to pause. In many ways, I am too tired. Age, unwellness, frustration, ebbing strength....it all adds up.

Over the last 3 months or so, I have written 7 "not to be posted" post. Glad I did that. It helped me traced the paths of my thoughts. Every crash, every impending crash is always dreaded. I hope it can yet be averted.

I must keep my sight on silver linings....

A few days ago, for the first time in my life, I saw a rainbow as I drove . It is comforting.

zl's message last week that he managed to graduate with a second upper is good news. It has been rough for him, and getting there was tough. I only hope, he will keep a steady course.

Meeting jinling last week also meant a lot to me. We tell people we were primary school best friends. And indeed we were though really we couldn't be more different. But I realised we have something in common....our perception of the needs of others....especially the students. This is the first time I realised why that chord was special despite the fact that now we probably don't have that much to say. Especially me.

The last two weeks have been a time of catching up with people I didn't see over the last four months. It was a good gathering at rc's place and the bond with vl and his family remains special; the tea catchup with ht and cl; and there are many others yet to meet....the constancy of friendship with ld, pc, kyc, ws, dc, thc, oh, el, kuech, cl, mag, tk. Silver linings indeed.

Two mornings ago, I was woken up by a fb message. And really it brought a lot of comfort to me. It was from sp, telling me of his voluntary work with the TWC, (Transient workers count). He told me because he remembered in our last conversation, I had talked about it. I cant say how much this message means to me. sp is a very low profile quiet chap, and does things with thought and sincerity. He is not one that follows the crowd and not for his own gain. I didn't expect him to help there. He has latent strength of character. A great consolation to me.

J, K and ck visited separately now that it is vacation. I don't know if this will continue once they graduate and get caught with the whirlwind of work etc etc. ck has had a taste of it the last four months. Its not so usual for him to visit in mid year. I felt he was honest, acknowledging that he felt he had lost direction and need to pause and think. Sometimes I don't know how to help. He knew what I would say to many of his thoughts, and it goes against the grain. I realised sometimes its by just holding on to your own values and being constant (or as constant as possible) that is what the young needs in a time where few know what is values.

In this, I have to say, my deep disappointment in my own country, the education system that is part of the instrument for moulding materialism, and a gains mentality.  Actually, sometimes, my heart grieves at the insidious damage done to young people. Our present society, the way they react to things around them are all evidenced of a failed system of pseudo education. Yes, I lament. Lament deeply.

ck asked me what is ahead for me. I said to him, I would probably just find things to do to past time. He didn't quite understand, and felt I should have a goal. I told him, I am waiting for the end. He didn't get it. I had to be explicit, I have done all I need to do. Its really waiting for the end of the road. K understood. And J understood. Actually J has been quite good. After the initial impact, he saw what I meant, and was supportive, and was willing to accompany me to complete a few more tasks to tie up things neatly. Hopefully by these few weeks. Yes, these three have been a comfort and consolation to me....

I know its not going to be easy either.....although I have come to this point a few times, I always intended to return somehow to teaching on some form....this time, I intend this to be final. What then after, well, I guess its not important. But still the same: A little good for a little someone.

The batch this year is probably my last lot of school kids. I wish, I really wish there would be a few that I can make a difference.....yes, this pause at this time, is as much for them....pause, and to renew strength for the remaining months.

I wonder sometimes are my ideals a delusion? An illusion? If I was young, and I had the energy....I am not and I don't have. Its probably time to turn my back to all these transience.

Pause.

The Lord alone is good and his mercies endureth forever.

The Lord grant me strength to endure and press on to the end.

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I feel better when as I write. Keeping my eyes on the rainbow, on the silver linings...

And lifting up my eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD that made heaven and earth.