4-5 Jan 2018

Meeting SL yesterday morning was an encouragement to me. Perhaps not having met and talk for a couple of years made it more refreshing. The catch up came about because he knew my condition. I told him after he made a remark on fb that he didnt believe that the last teaching stint would be my curtain call. Yes, I did wish it didnt. But it would be for a purpose. And he asked me if I considered writing. In talking about it, I found a little direction....its following up. I passed him my translation of Beatitudes and Colossians today. I hope somehow it would reach somebody that would be blessed by this small labour I had done some 16-17 years ago, a work that I had put in my whole heart, never to dream that everything should be subsequently thus shattered. How I walk through those years....

The journey these two days continue to meander. I managed a good hour of exercise and walk yesterday, and pressed on just an hour ago to complete the walk in the night. It should be a good 2-3km. Hearing from ws was a bonus. One of the few young friends that somehow understand my inward voice. 知音者。I admit that battling the conflicts within actually takes more out of me than the present circumstances. There are times I wish for a companion that understands that would walk quietly with me, allow my tears to flow, allow me to feel sad for all that I would miss, that would hold my hand, put an arm round me, and not say anything. I am tired of being told to take care, to be positive etc. How much more had not I done? I have done as much as possible so I wont be a burden, I wont be cause of worry, so I could be as well as possible for my cats sake. I admit I am tired of zh telling me that all is in me to help myself, that I am better etc. I am tired. I am tired. Actually his being distracted and down is obvious. Anyway what else can he say? He has already done his best as it is.

I am torn between wanting to give up, and just let go. But I think of T and B. As long as I am around, they will have a safe and loving home. And I need to be able to respect myself. I will never respect myself for being a burden. For giving in to self-pity. For giving up in a fight that would work for the good of some. For I still believe that my existence is still of value to others. To those that I do matter.
To those special in my heart, I would wish I matter more. Perhaps when I am gone, I would be better valued? I dont know. But, I know for ky and ls, I would always be that special someone.

All my life, I feel alone. But for the Lord who love me and drew me and cause me to believe in Him. For which, I continue to love and love unconditionally despite the much pain. And to this moment, I struggle. I considered going away for awhile. I have Penang and NZ and UK, though UK I will plan for June. Will it help? I know every day in Japan, I feel the conflict within me. And waiting to be back. I know where my heart is.....earthly affections.... Still, its nothing like what it had been some years back. I must just get myself to start out on my writing.

Have been having random how are you messages from people that are really fairly remote, some really out of touch for more than 5 years. I guess they probably have heard and I guess its humanity to want to say something. In the past, I would somehow keep people away. But, I guess, I do not want anyone to have regrets. Hariz was very sweet when he reminded me to let people do things for me. He told me to see it as doing them a favor. I know. I told him I know. Yet there are those special few that I would wish would spend more time with me, that would sit by me, but knowing what the pace of life is, and knowing everyone has their own life to live, I dare not ask. I never feel its fair to lay that kind of burden on others, to stretch themselves because of my own limitation in time. Its almost like a blackmail. If they have the time, they will on their own accord.

I dont know. Have not felt brilliant possibly with the mild throat discomfort and cough. As it is, I have fought off the flu bug well not to go down in the full bout. The burning syndrome is quite uncomfortable. Yet somehow in company its mitigated. Its really not easy being alone. But I guess its true, its worse with people that can make life more miserable. At least i have liberty, and that I cherish.

Sorry for a not happy post. I will pick up. Because....I am me.