End August 2016

Today is exactly 6 weeks to the day of the surgery. Apart from minor discomforts here and there, I am almost on my feet as norm. Except for the weight part. The weight loss of 6kg or more especially the second bout hit the digestive system hard. During the early weeks of the month, much time was spent reading how best to attain to recovery. I know I have taken a big risk to reject chemo. Statistics as it is, is not in my favor. One would argue that having an earlier stage discovery means opting for the 'optimum treatment' gives the best chance. If I was to look at it rationally now, the decision does not seem 'wise' and I have missed the 'optimum' period for the chemo treatment which is before 40 days to the surgery.

I don't think I can explain my decision. From the moment I knew things are not good, four predominant concerns occupy my mind. The first and foremost, that I will bear forth a faithful testimony to the faith that I believe with all my heart. Whether, in illness, in death, I will trust in my God. That my faith will not stand only in the 'positives', but that I should be prepared to meet my Maker and speak of his mercies and his faithfulness. That my belief in a salvation wrought by Christ is not the seeking of health, happiness and life in this world, but in the world to come. My second concern was for T and B; sk, ls and ky; and also of ld, J and K, zg, zl, zh, sy and a few others that I know I matter to them. I can only do my best to provide for them and encourage them. Then, my own grief in departure. That, I came to terms with, once I could look beyond this present life.

Yet, one of the greatest weight was actually was not to be pushed into a treatment that should hang my life and hope by this medical system. I do not want to live from period to period looking at a number and be subjected to the ill effects of a treatment. This I felt was the hardest, in that, it seems to run against the grain of 'seeking for life'. To say I was not afraid of my decision is untrue. I am fully aware of the possible consequence. But, I also know the limitations of my physical frame. I can take the sufferings that illness and disease inflict upon one, or at least I can persuade myself to as I did in the hospital. In some moments of close despair, the phrase 'patient in afflictions' came to me. I was not sure where the phrase came from (I think now is Romans 12;12) but I knew I can keep a patient frame whilst inwardly crying to the Lord. But, somehow, I could not accept the sufferings that come from chemo. It has alot to do with my personal view of the medical technology and 'discoveries'; their highhandedness in imposing a 'cure', 'treatment' at all expense. I was never excited by any of the research 'successes'. I am aware that there are some that have benefited and have had much precious time with their loved ones. I know those who went through must be very courageous and tough, and I respect them. Its not to say however, that those who chose not to is less brave. It really was not an easy decision. If made in a foolhardy way, yes, then it does not require courage. But if made with full understanding of consequence, it requires courage as well.

I must say I am surprised that my decision was not hindered by those with me. Perhaps because I have always expressed my views in this matter. I am me. I have to go by what is of nature. I do not wish to extend life artificially. Its like a few of the critical decisions I had made. I chose 'freedom' not to conform over conforming to success. I chose not to go for convocations, meaningless ceremonies to celebrate success because it was always the learning that I value. Nothing else. I chose not to accept nominations for awards because whatever that was done was for the person. Not to be talked about. There are some things that really run against my grain. I told sk, if i had agreed to go through it due to persuasion and obligation, it would be hard for me to take when the physical pain comes in. As long as she, my closest kin does not exert pressure on me, it would be easier. She didnt. I cannot explain my stand. Dr Lim asked me. I can only say, I just want things to be natural, as it was with my forefathers. Surgery is the maximum baseline I can accept. Whatever my observations and my abhorrence of the way of medical sciences, my reason is actually in simplicity. To be at one with nature. And for my inward soul, with God.

Somehow cancer struck much fear in the hearts of man. I remembered when I was in the ward, and Dr B's booming voice more or less announced that I was a 'cancer' patient, referred to oncological team and being 'promoted' to 'Cancer Centre' for treatment, I was very conscious of that labelling. No other patients in the ward came to talk to me. Not that I cared. I was the most 'serious' case there. I noticed also how often the word 'cancer survivor' is used in media. You dont read about heart attack 'survivor' or stroke 'survivor' or pneumonia 'survivor'. But cancer is like a death sentence, a stigma that make one feels the weight about one's neck, and if one lives on, it is a 'survival'. After the initial impact of the 'label', I was able to rise above it, and not live under the shadow of a label. In fact, I refuse the label. I live because God gave me breath. Not because I am a survivor. Yes, i have been ill, and may still be ill. But so what? If the illness comes back again, thats like any other illness. And yes, if it comes back again, it may mean the end is near. But, who is to say? Whatever is allowed, is allowed only of God. The illness does not determine me. Its God that determines the span of my life.

Then there are many who offer their views and knowledge of cancer and whats good and not good. The truth is there are more than 100 cancers and how each react differs. For all the progress made, alot is unknown. It depends on the site, the nature and the spread. For some, prognosis is better than others. And it also depends on the patient etc etc. Its amazing how some articles can simplify it to a know-all method of countering it. If thats is possible, would medical science still be carrying research in every part of the world on this? Its equally amazing how much people can think they know just from a few articles postulations and equally amazing how others can live in nil or little knowledge, depending on hearsay from sources not verified. That is totally different from having read, understood and realising that the scope is far too wide for one to grasp. Reading itself can be depressing, but not reading up is akin to not taking responsibility and facing reality that has to be faced. Ultimately each person afflicted with it, must help oneself at least in understanding his/her own frame, and taking some charge of the things that they can, like food, rest, exercise.


End September, there should be some kind of verdict from the medical side. In the first place, I am already I fall into the category where the cancer is aggressive, even when discovered at early stage. But whatever, I will press on. I dont always feel this way I admit. There had been days that I was quite discouraged. More or less, I am now back to being on my own most of the time, and sometimes its not always easy.  There are times, it had been quite hard. But I see the medal hanging in my room with my inward eye, and I tell myself, I must press on, I must work hard. I cannot give up. Yes, encouraging oneself on is important. I MUST push on. And I have much to be thankful for. Very much indeed.

Now 6 weeks after, having recovered rather well by the great mercies of God, I responded well to tcm treatment and both zh and his wife have been very good to me these past weeks, and I diligently exercise, walking 2 km daily and watching food etc, I am able to write more freely of these matters. It has not been easy these past 4 weeks. I have read up many sites and evaluated many research papers. I need to be prepared for the outcome of the next blood test. That will 'determine' the status of my condition. So yes, I realised I am still 'tied' to a number, that would indicate prognosis. Zh who had earlier felt it would be better if I have at least done one cycle of chemo, has actually been the one that could see beyond systems of evaluation. In that, he is really a physician worth the name. He has been pleased with my progress and believe that a number should not determine the holistic wellness of a person's health. That said, it was a struggle and conflict for awhile. Thankfully, the inward storm has eased and I am at peace to face whatever lies ahead. Actually I really feel I am at a blessed state, and in some ways, I am better than I had been.

I have no idea what lies ahead nor which path I would tread especially after the recuperation period. Am giving myself till October to make as good a recovery as possible and build up.  It is not possible at this moment to plan beyond. But it should not matter that much. Prior to the surgery, I have tied up most of my affairs. Now having more time, it just means more time to do a little good here and there. Be it a few weeks or months, or a few years or more, its making each day count. Without which, the value of life itself is lost.

To say, I have no 遗憾 is not true. The 3 soulmates of my life. Each of you remain as you have always been in my heart. Always. Even if we never meet again.