Heartfeltness

Have been wanting to post especially end July.....but was not able to. Now finally.  There is much to write, overwhelmingly much....

To all those that walked with me through this time, my heartfelt gratitude. I have to say, for the first time in my life, I know more about what family means, not as in the past, that I was always the anchor. I really didn't know how anything will fall out, and am very grateful for the web of support especially by the younger generation. I must say, I totally did not expect. I am immensely grateful.

From the onset from 5 June, the ultrasound, and more ultrasounds, the blood test result pointing towards the lurkings of cancer, it was a roller coaster ride. The first two weeks, Kuech, Claire and Elaine provided some support through the investigations. I was more concerned with how those that love and depended on me would be affected. It requires also firm judgement who to go to. I chose to wait till 8 July for kkh. Thereafter, by 15, I more or less knew really it is cancer. A matter of staging and spread. Op was due on 20. I got as much matters as possible in order. That is very important. The perchance would leave me unable to do what good I wish for whom I wish. 

From the op on 20 to the present 4 August, another 2 weeks had elapsed. Surgery was gratefully 'succcessful' and as much as could be removed were removed. The report came out yesterday. Stage 2B as it has spread beyond its original site. But thankfully, no lymph nodes were affected, though the whole lymphatic system has been removed. I have rejected reinforcing treatment by chemo, my lifelong stand. Am grateful and a little surprised that the doc who was quite emphatic during my stay actually said he respect my choice though he will still follow up. 

A particular episode, post op, that led to my being warded again hit the recovery process. Severe diarrhoea reaction to antibiotics, and more reaction to strong antacid to counter it, led to ileus ( a term I newly acquired), caused the most discomfort and the swelling of the small bowels posed a potential life threatening possibility of perforation of intestines and another surgery. I can only say it was maximum discomfort and I did realise that it is not anything that I can do, and that yes, the possibility of ending is there. I cried to the Lord. I know all things are in his hands. When there was a relief of sorts, I insisted on being discharged. I could feel my mind was going off tangent. Somehow that morning, I was in remarkably good spirit and convinced the doctors that I would get through at home. In my mind, I knew if there was any chance, it has to be via tcm. My gastro-intestinal has been my weakest spot from young. It was only under tcm treatment that I had made progress.

Zh and wife really felt I should not have been discharged but they did understand that it was hard for me to recover there. Between them, they treated me and guided me on food, including providing me the better grains for porridge, and three days later, I was much better, and now six days later, I am writing. I am indebted to them, especially to zh, who told me to do a ca marker test, which I will never on my own accord do. That had allowed me a span of time. I am really speechless at the way it turned out.

By yesterday's report, the storm these last two months come to a cease.

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My grateful thanks to my precious companions in the faith ky and ls, whom I can count on to understand my position. I know full well what I mean to them, and what pain it would be without me. But more important than that, we must each know whom we have believed and it is in Him alone that our faith must stand. I was grateful for the time before the actual surgery that I could speak to them, and rejoice that we have the hope of salvation and that of the world to come wherein dwelleth righteousness. At such times, the comfort of prayer and love from brethren is most precious. Pastor JJ was very supportive and his visit just before the surgery, reading Psalm 34 was a great comfort. Joey's visits, encouragement and care and Puni's are also deeply received. And those from far away, WC, and G, LK, SB, P, C and the congregation they met with whom I know upheld me with much prayer especially at the point when doc said potentially life-threatening if the intestine perforate, I knew they are all with me despite the distance. I really abounded with much. There was a time I was so destitute. I only had ls. God has been very very good to me. 

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I also had a few good conversations with sk, whom I was most pained for. We grew up together. No one will understand that kind of intangible insecurities of our childhood that have made us so much more vulnerable. I am very grateful she had returned back to her profession eventually after her marriage and we could now speak on the same terms. I know its been very rough on her, and I want to be able to walk her through it, to be able to face the eventuality (should it come earlier), and to have rejoiced that we have made the most of time together. I am also very thankful that she was very receptive and will not give me pressure wrt choice of treatment.  Ben (I had always called him what i called him, zg, from young....but he has grown) had taken responsibility as a man, and took over all the admin aspects....first time in my life, I go for consultations with everything done for me. I feel spoilt. P had been very good also and was almost a 24 hour nurse for quite a few days. His being there constantly gave me good chance to recuperate early in helping me with movements and during those awful times when I could hardly move, the physical support was really a great help. He was also probably the most cooperative to my insistence to be discharge and that was helpful. J2 has also been most sweet and I am grateful for the extra support. Perhaps because I am so independent, I settle all my own problems (and that of others), its actually inconceivable to let go and let others do things for me. I am also always so conscious of the strain put on them remembering what I had gone through. That they were so forthcoming, and did not at any time showed any inconvenience, I am very touched. B1 and B2  were also very supportive. B2 was surprisingly strong about letting nature takes its course and was probably the only one that advocate my position. 

This whole episode had brought the cousins that hardly talked and definitely never communicated together and that I thought is very good and what I always wanted. The awkwardness of the earlier generation had somehow led to a less 'free' interaction somehow. I was the only link among them. Now, they are linked among themselves. Good.

I can only say, I am gratified. Very.  

And that T and B took on to Siti and ky is another really great providence. I was able to not worry about them whilst in hospital. I do know there are also many concerned friends and well wishes, many of whom visited to encourage me on. I can only say I am very thankful and grateful.

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Of the many sweet thoughts and gifts that I have received during this rough period, the one that I value most and has a profound effect, is, a gold medal. I am aware thousands of hours of training, sacrifice and tremendous motivation over more than 2 years is behind this hard won medal. It, in itself speak volumes. I hang it prominently in my room. Yes, I will persevere on, however hard the journey ahead, I want to run the remaining race bravely, with tremendous motivation to attain to living each day fully and meaningfully. Thank you. Thank you very much. The impact of this gift hit home. I must not give up, however tired, till the Lord brings me home.

I am reminded of the verse, in 1 Corinthians 9: 24 
Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain.

Yes, this remaining race, I will run, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith. I am fully aware what could happen, in a matter months, or years. But what time given to me now, as a respite, I must make good use of every moment. I will do my best to attain to maximum recovery and value each day.

Heartfeltness. That is how I feel.