start somewhere....

Just read the article 'Before I go' which I shared on facebook, and that made me ponder. This morning I met up with an ex-kid that somehow had his results derailed, and was glad that he has since found his balance and moving forward, seeking his own uncharted path. In sharing with him, one of the things I said to him, was not to have a chip on his shoulders and to be able to speak openly (when ready) about the setbacks with good friends. For in being able to do so, it is the first step to overcoming.

I was not good at that actually. It was very hard, very very hard for me to talk about pain. I can talk about incidents. But not the pain. Until it is gone. And that can be decades later. And some things I still never said. But more because its not worth saying. Actually, in looking back, its amazing that I had survived those painful times, the inward scars remain till this day.

But I have faced the present differently. Like the writer in 'Before I go', I have been able to talk openly of my illness and of the inevitable, especially to those who have been my constant companions and the ex-kids that had taken the trouble to meet up during their uni vacations. S and L dropped in with their dinner two days ago. I enjoy meeting up with them, hearing their medical studies and sharing with them symptoms of my discomfort. Actually, I really appreciate the visits of the kids, especially those with genuine care and empathy. Teaching has been a big part of my life. On them, I 'borrow' strength to help to get 'chores' done. Its not easy being on ones own, though I must say I owe a great deal to Siti for her much consideration and trouble.

However when it comes to writing, the flow has ebbed, hence the scarcity of posts. I think its because, when with people, because I am so conscious of them, and their well-being, and hate being self-centred, I will always keep cheerful, which is easy since I enjoy their company. But in writing, my inner being is laid bare. I can only write what I truly feel within.....and I hate to have a down post.

I admit part of my hesitation is also that I have taken the non-conventional route, in turning down the chemo path. It is hard to explain my firm decision, despite my own self-query as well. But my present discomfort is not (as at this moment before the next review in 2 weeks) due to cancer. Its a more persistent with shorter periodic intervals of 'lows' whenever an event that requires more energy above norm, or some unhappy happenings in the lives of those I care very much. The culmination of past weeks brought me to the present painful 'low', with that horrible pain within again. It just has got to be borne. Ironically the tipping point was the Kukup trip, a very memorable one in so many ways, but which I somehow knew would lead to this. It could have been worse if the sleeplessness had gone unchecked. I am very grateful for tcm in this respect, and in many others.  Actually depression in its various forms is a horribly painful. Experience has taught me to tide over it and abide by time. Essentially nothing has changed whatever one feels within. Experience teaches patience.

Reading the article has made me reconsider. Perhaps I should dare to write about the pain and conflicts.....I probably will. Whomsoever it helps. Just to make my life a little more worthwhile.

Ms C, jiayou! Remember the medal hanging over your head above your bed. Start somewhere....