March....musings

Time has passed quickly. Had on quite a few occasions intended to write, but had just moved on.

Have been rather focused on tcm, and beginning to get a better grasp of the way they regard illness and the application in remedy. Will not go at length here at the moment, but the possibility of going all the way is much higher. That would however means 3 more years....In a way, I really was not totally serious, and wanted just to gain sufficient knowledge, and wanted to see what the clinic sessions were like. As in most things, I made many silent observations, and have reservations and queries. But I have to admit, when I saw some of the patients being chronically unwell, I felt for them. I was touched by one particular old physician who showed much compassion. All these combined factors has its impact. The hesitation has always been the pull towards the love of teaching. But B's uncertain condition does not allow for the kind of commitment that school would require. On a happier note, she has responded well to tcm, many grateful thanks to zh. T seems to be disturbed in some ways, but have not observed any serious deviation. Both definitely needs attention and more time. Working is alot more demanding than doing a course, though the present demands on the mind is very exacting, especially on the memory. Sleep is also getting more elusive but nothing like what it had been. But, there is more liberty in time relatively speaking.

Another thought that crossed my mind is, what to do meaningfully, should there be a stretch of years left for me. Much as I would wish to teach the young always, I have to acknowledge there is a gap and there may be times I would not be able to reach out to them. In many things, I just observe silently, remembering also my own folly and resistance in my youth. I would never consider practising tcm as a form of earning. But applying it for the poor to relieve discomfort, that is something meaningful. I am getting more and more averse to 'social' settings, even in charitable organisations. I am less and less inclined to conversations. But I have always believe in a community, despite my preference for solitude. There is a possibility of service in this aspect, that age would not be a hindrance, as long as one is reasonably well, and the mind remains sharp.

All these musings may or not come to much as it would require much hard work to master the content, and the craft, and the final assessment is known to be a tough barrier to cross. So, lets see....

On a personal note, there has been more serenity and purposefulness. Every day is the day the Lord has made. Each day could be the end. I only need to live purposefulness, clinging fast to my faith, and living each day meaningfully. In some ways, this is one of the longest stretch of peaceability with no upheavals. I am very grateful. Really very grateful. Last year, this period, I remember well. The concern....leading to the passing of Mr lky. That impact was deep. Very deep. And that stretch to the passing of bc in April, then of yl in June. Last year was a touch stretch.

There are many thoughts about many things. But as one ages, one sees really, there is nothing new under the sun. The wisdom of the wise, the folly of the foolish....everything had happened before in different forms. Its not to say, I do not have views of the many things that take place. But, there is less impetus to express them. Some reactions I had seen made me less and less inclined to say anything. Just be kind and positive to people around is sufficient. As changes take place, inwardly I wait....I hope the days of unrest would not come too soon.

There is less sense of 'mission'; more a quiet sense of simplicity and a touch of kindness as and when. In everything, let all things be done unto the Lord. Its unto him I live. There is and will always be sadness. Happiness (how does one define this?) is not something that I get to feel often. But I am content. I dare not have more. I do not wish to feel the sharp and deep pain of loss. So this is fine. I do not wish for more for myself.  If I have wishes, its all for those I care for and value, that they would be blessed and be kept from harm. This, I wish very very much. I hope every day for the rest of my remaining days would be meaningful and makes a little difference to someone.

For me, i want to trust in the Lord. Always.