10 Feb ~ Pause and Reflect

Pause and reflect....

It has been somewhat a whirlwind the last two weeks, planning, receiving and taking care of LK and G in their visit here. It hadnt helped that unwellness has persisted, but thankfully tcm remedy has worked thus far. Still, I am constantly aware of the limitations, shortness of time, still wishing to fulfil a couple of things, and the need to conserve strength.

It was hard yesterday when G left. She is very sprightly and energetic for a lady in her early seventies, very warm, very genuine, and most of all, she has a very soft spot for me. In many ways, she has a motherly concern for me, and probably one that was most aware of the long tunnel of darkness I had been, herself being in it for far longer than I was. But she had more resilience. Yes, I miss her alot when she left. Actually there were alot I had wanted to say. But had not said. The past is not something I ever speak about, nor could bring myself to. I considered her, and wanted her stay here to be very very good. And I think it was.

Inadvertently, some things do come to the surface with her coming and the sense of pain and hurt is felt over some matters. Some things you can do your utmost to let go and forget in the conscious will. But the subconcious is a realm that cannot be controlled. In the early hours of the morning, the nightmare returned. However much I would want to keep up my composure, and I do, within, the healing is not of man. There are times when I really want to hide in a hut in remote village live a simple life, away from everyone. Its good to do so, within the inner recesses. Pause. Reflect.

Above all, to look up to Him that changeth not, to Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith, to run this race with patience.
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Cny has therefore a background to her stay which took the centre of focus. In a way, that wasn't bad. 'Family' remains the way it always was. On my part, I do what I can for each of them, avoiding procrastination....no one knows when each opportunity may be the last.

I miss G more because its so rare for me, to have someone who really cares for me because of me, and not a perfunctory act of concern or duty. But, I do admit, I found the constant bustlings hither and thither very tiring, not helped by my own prevailing infirmities. So, I am also thankful for the present quietude.

I have much to give thanks for. J and K so kindly came to help with G's baggages early in the morning, saw her off at the airport, and accompanied me for the day, to ease off the impact of G's departure. I deeply appreciate their love and care for me. And for ky, ls and G. They are truly a blessing.

V and L visited yesterday evening and we had a good 3 hour conversation. For the first time, since 2011, I did not have 'open house' on cny. I did not want to break the 'tradition'. But B's condition does not allow excess strain. She has shown signs of relapsing the last few days. It isn't her illness per se, but seeing her wounding herself by her nerve disorder is very distressing. I thought, well, whoever who wished to drop in, will do so and maybe, it would be more meaningful. And it is. V and L have grown special over the years.

I am glad some 403 kids said they would be coming on Sunday. Somehow, they have been quite distant....part of growing up..... I always look forward to seeing them....I will never forget that from them, I learn how to be happy.

I should also record the lovely occasion of Joan's wedding. Just seeing her walking down the aisle brought such joy. She is a very sweet girl that I taught 13 years ago, and remained as sweet and genuine. She, like, T and B are glimmers during the dark passage of that time.

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Somehow, the year actually starts from today for me.....though the Coney island trip has been a lovely first day of the year. Somehow, after that, a series of things and the impending visit of LK and G had taken over.

There are still things I wish to do in the realm of education. As for tcm, i will make a gallant effort to get things into grip. At the moment, I am quite lost. Will decide by April whether I can continue on. The directions ahead....

Exhausted at the moment, Lacking in strength. Will pick up. Most of all, will look up.

Pause. Reflect.