pause....

just handed in an assignment awhile ago... the end of one module. One more major assignment, a group presentation and an exam and then i am done for this semester...2 more weeks to go...

then of cos year 3 exam next week first... things are roller-coasting and it will come to an abrupt halt somehow.

pause....

someone wrote that he didnt understand my rationale. sigh. actually neither do i. i do know however i need to pause...

i cant say i was not tempted to plunge into a few possibilities.

But, i should pause...
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i dont like nomadic life. but neither do i like systems. Not that i am not a system person.

I remembered many many years ago, the principal i respected most said in a semi reprimanding tone, you always want a system. I was angry with her then. I knew i was not wrong then, and in the issue, a couple of years later, they did adopt 'the system' I proposed. There was rationale and objectivity but it ran against the grain of what everyone was used to then. The important thing was the appropriate measure was taken, not who was right.

but that issue aside, her words struck me. Why did she say that? I was more perturbed that there was hidden wisdom in what she said that I had missed. There was some underlying principle that she perceived and i didnt understand. Nothing personal at all. I bore that in my mind and pondered.

some things require time, thought, experience, reflection. somewhere, somehow, i gradually understand. Not that i am able to explain.

yes system is neat, but it is soul-less. Efficient but very cold. True, there must be an organised structure of sorts, but what makes the structure alive is the content. Leaders with vision, principles and a family of people with warmth and harmony. And somehow the framework works.

System is like a building. But a home is a home. A 'structure', but with life...lively life.

Mere talk and show is what it is, talk and show. Facade will remain a shell. Vision far exceeds visible results.

Vision transcends to the intangible, inspires and exudes hope. Principles is the framework that holds up the structure. Unseen foundation that can hold up under strain are never built in haste. I apprehend why she saw that system is not the panacea of issues, though a structure helps to set up framework.

I also understand why leaders far exceed management. Actually manage is a relatively low level task. It speaks more of handling, exerting control. Brute force and a given title can do that. It wins neither mind nor heart. You know when thats all you are when you are stripped of title and authority.

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But leaders remain leaders. Almost daily these past weeks, I thought of her. Yesterday was her birthday. I didnt send her a card, hadnt for the last 2 years because of my own internal upheavals. But I will soon. I acknowledged her impact on me to every educator I meet. Its not that she did anything great. It was because she was an educator that leads with such a large heart, such a true vision, and was true to the cause of education to the end.

I will never forget her words, Publicity, good or bad, is bad. Again at that time, I couldnt quite understand. But I listened. I had said this before, listening is a lost art.Then I understood.

And now, nearly 20 years later, I can see, how wise she is. Publicity puts you in the limelight. Even if it is for good, that alone can cause you to lose your focus. Or worse, that may turn into your main, if not only, focus.

Result driven indicators can only lead to what it is intended: Results to be seen.

She was cryptic in her words, but very wise. She had her faults, but she is very well loved. Her unyielding principles, proven over decades of dedication, warm understanding and genuine care and love for children and staff with her made her the one and only one.

I guess at this time, feeling lost - remembering her, kindles the heart. It is true, a teacher cares, leads and inspires. Someone said that to me a year ago. I have not attained to that. At least, i know i care. And at least, i have seen and known and worked under, one who cares, leads and inspire. Few has such a privilege.

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sigh... how long will i pause? will there be another turnabout for me?

felt so exhausted today....and ineffectual... have i really been teaching, or just stuffing information down? does it really matter what u say, why u say? can values really be passed on? maybe it is all an illusion....

and i thought, i have no energy to carry on teaching... maybe i should just go into seclusion...

whatever, deadlines still have to be met.

And the email with words of sincerity was a consolation. perhaps it has not been in vain after all....

poignancy...

too many deadlines to meet numb the mind and soul.

in the end, it is my own assignments that suffer. This sem, my work is really substandard. Its probably not possible to keep gpa above 4.

but sadder than that is the realisation that the next 2 days will be the last lessons. Had deliberately block out thoughts of it, but subconsciously the sentiments surged forth during sleep...

still, i think it is a blessing to be able to end with such a lovely bunch of kids. Of the 4 years, this is my best teaching year. (sorry year 6). I cant explain why. Partly because I was involved with their curriculum from their year one, and had really 'watch over' this batch. Partly because there is something really sweet (though naughty!) about the kids. And most of all, they are always keen to learn. Close to 90% of the time. It was really a thrill to see their mind process in the way they listen, ask, argue, note down concepts etc. Actually there is alot to observe in how a child learns, and each in their own distinctive way.

whatever, there is that special feel. I would like to think it works both ways. I know it would be near impossible to recapture such an experience. First of all, there is only one special nush that allows for such a curriculum. And really the kids in this school, for all their skirmishes, are really keen to learn.

Age is not on my side. The gap will get wider with every passing year. As it is, to breach the gap, to reach out to them takes alot more energy than people realise. I had worried that I will lose that 'touch' in teaching, but the kids seem to enjoy the learning. So it cant be that bad.

it is good to end in a nice way. Actually these kids had really helped me by being so accepting of me. i hope i have really helped this batch, and taught them well, not just to sit for exams. But that their math foundation will be strong to take deeper content. And most of all, that they will address their attitudes, and grow up to be good people.

sometimes, i ask myself why i made this move. i wonder if tk is right...i know he never agreed with my decision, for my sake, at least not at this time... and i really respect his judgment. But when will be a good time?

It is hard, actually very hard to leave one's comfort zone, so hard that one almost wish to stay on....but I will move on.

I need to do my part for the less privileged kids. I darent wait till i may not have the chance to do so. No one can say when one's end will be. At least when i had spent at least a year with weaker kids, then i would fulfilled a little of my due to community. I should not wait until i am too tired, too old to do so. and next year is a good time since i would need the time also to complete my dissertation.

After that, then what? Don't know. See how things fall out...

At this moment, its that sense of poignancy of 'the last lessons' with these kids that hit me most ....

teaching is really so meaningful.... maybe because i always felt i will never made a good mother... teaching fulfils that maternal instinct... and most of all, through this means, it is a channel that one can teach values and build character....

ultimately when one reviews one life, 'success' is hollow, a public show, that will be outperformed, and be forgotten with new victors... it is values and character that give the depth and dimension to ones own being, ultimately you must be able to respect yourself, and your character alone wins true respect. And care for your loved ones, your family and friends.

On a side note, i am really relieved and thankful that so far, the emphasis has consistently focused on these aspects by the new minister. Honestly, i think it is a little too late..... but then..... better late than never.

and tomorrow is farewell to the year 6... o dear... all the partings..... i dont know if i am going to meet my assignment deadline. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh................

given the amount of work i owe all round, i shouldnt be spending time here... except i need to diffuse...

whilst having to travel to a school for meeting, i 'lost' my way despite my checking up direction... and i have travelled to this school quite a few times.

i dont like losing my way... its like not being in control... and i get flustered. very. partly becos i am very tired. partly becos i hadnt recovered fully from the flu. but there was something familiar with that feeling somehow. I realised the last time i had this feeling, was also the times the dreams disturbed me, and that was in May. I also made wrong turns, and couldnt get my direction right.

i guess because there is so much work to be done, i cant afford the luxury of indulgence...except here...

Experience has taught me, what one feels is not necessarily reality. In reality, i really really have alot more to be thankful and grateful for.... and yes, perhaps alot more lonesomeness and solitude too.... but there are truly alot of blessings... the things that are sad, cannot be changed... what can be changed is how one live ones life for others...

move on, ssh... move on.

what causes dreams?

i rarely dream, and really prefer not.

Dreamt of mum twice this week... its always the same recurring dream, taking different forms...she is really unwell, and telling me, hoping i could do something for her... i manage to 'stop' the dream the first time, and told myself firmly, she is no longer here, you cant do anymore. In the dream last nite i brought her over to this new place, and worry that she will miss rv, and was thinking of how to drive her to visit rv and gwc etc..... and the dream went on...always helpless at my end...

i woke at 2+, disturbed. I cant account why the dreams recurred more frequently.... not too long ago, it was of dad...

yes, its crunch time, and it remains to be seen how i am going to juggle through the next 4 weeks, with school, attending lessons, and assignments....its going to be a make or break crunch... but i want to spend time with the kids badly too...

and yes, i havent been in the best of health. But i did not think i was sliding down...

perhaps i am more perturbed by the path ahead than i would acknowledged... yes, i have to admit, i am quite sad... whatever, i need to move on...

i am very sorry abt mum. But i cannot do anymore for her... looking after sk and s1 is the best i can do... i know i must walk out of this abyss...

四年了....

四年了，看孩子长大， 很多感触。

这几天根许多孩子们谈话。

看他们分析为未来的选择；听他们诉说他们的理想。

前景充满希望；也有多许的忧虑，矛盾。

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好希望他们会有坚定的意志，无论遇到任何挫折， 都能有恒心地，有勇气地克服。

好希望他们能经的起生活的考验，实现愿望。

好希望他们作任何事会有爱心。

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看孩子快要离开学校的窝，难免会有伤感。但看他们懂事多了，也很欣慰。

默默地为他们祝福，前途无量，永远幸福。

diffusing....

nothing in particular to write about....i am writing more often...my way of diffusing that sense of resignation and poignancy as the approaching transition beckons....

its de ja vu.... last nov to early this year... seeing to the end of rv....

actually i am a person that really doesnt like change. Mainly because I am too sentimental. And I hate that sense of loss. Thankfully, experience and much pain have taught one to learn to have a stronger inner defence, and to keep focused on the objective.

I am very fortunate. I can think of so many happy things, so many nice people that i have known, so many things that i have enjoyed doing in this phase. Actually, barring the events of life, and conflicts in some quarter, this phase is one of the happiest period of my life.

I suppose it is through this phase, at this place, having so many kind, warm and genuine people, and nice kids... i found that part of me, that had been lost for many many long years.

I am sad, and happy. I never thought I would say I am happy again in my life. Actually i rarely feel happy. But I can recount so many contented moments. And happy moments are those with the kids, and the few people I really enjoy having a good conversation with. Even like now, when I finished the target work intended for tonight, I hope the kids will gain from it. I am content.

Be still. Be content. Life is a journey. We have to sojourn on as strangers and pilgrims upon the earth...

October

The start of yet another month.

It would not be possible to be light-hearted for quite awhile. One really needs to be very focused on the finishing post in order to get through the tonnes of work the next 6 weeks. Cant complain cos when I took on 3 modules, I knew it would be a herculean task. I dont have the stamina for it in terms of strength (I can no longer live with 3-4 hour sleep), I can only bank on the reserve of experience and innate resilience to survive.

The spirit is heavy most of all, because of the sadness of the impending end of a phase, and one that is significant to me. I have to quell sentimentalism, and nostalgia. But at least i am not walking into nothingness, as i had in time past. Though there is a certain degree of uncertainty, there is some definite direction. I had taken a very long time to find it, so whatever the apprehensions, i will move forward.

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when i read the section in ST on the extraordinary kids, I really wish that in the last four years, I had worked alongside the kids with respect to service for community as a priority. If kids that had such setbacks can give so much, why, why are those so much more able and fortunate so callous and indifferent?

this is what education should yield as part of the process...

read that article.... and somewhere in life, answer it in your own way.... this is humanity.