Of medical sciences,tcm, death and faith.

If one thinks everyone can assume the luxury of being able to lie down and rest especially when tired or ill, i have to say that it really is an assumption. Yesterday was the first night that I managed to somewhat lie down and sleep through. And I think the worst really is over.

 For four running nights, after ten, coughing fits rule the night. Then a strange calm around 4am. I did figure out about the block airway and the reclining position. 2 nights I took the western medication, only to end up exhausted with drowsiness and no sleep. Tcm has no dramatic impact, somewhat reduction, then by the third day, significantly the decongestion was cleared by the herbs and the food that I cooked.

why did i turn to tcm? And doing so, why did i take western medicine? Ironically, sk who was more familiar with the doc that i went to, told me the doc herself takes tcm....

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The issue of medical sciences has been something I have wanted to write about, but because of the pain when i recall mum and dad, I have refrained.

I wont go into alot of my thoughts. But just some basics, which interestingly, one of the lecturers mentioned last week. She said, people die in hospitals nowadays. In time past, people die at home. Some, not necessarily with illness. Just of old age. They passed on.

Yes, there are many illnesses that have been ratified through hospital treatment. I dont discount the much good that many have profited, especially cases of heart attack. I am only speaking for myself. And in time past,  doctors are of a much higher calibre in terms of character and true compassion, who are not reduced to interpreters of technological wonders of diagnosis, and who treat and care for each patient as a person.

I saw both mum and dad's last days. In the depth of my heart, I wish both had passed on at home. But in both cases, I didnt have a choice. I fully understand dad's struggle against all the tubes...that night when I was the only one with him in the ward....when he grabbed my hand so tight...after I asked him please dont pull at the tubes.....had i had more understanding then, and had more capability and influence then, I would have made his last days more homely and natural. In both cases, there was not one doctor amongst the many, that truly cared for them. That was what I found so painful. Safe the gp that saw mum and felt things were amiss. Alas, her skills were not sufficient to detect how serious things were.

That phase for myself is not that far away. Twenty years is probably the cap. My intuition tells me sooner, and I am contented about it. But, I admit, the discomfort needs to be managed. And the reactions of family members. Whilst, my mind is clear, I think I will have the final say. But that may not always be so.

And sometimes, against what I may personally want, I have to take 'approved' routes so as not to cause hurt. For example, had i not take the antibiotics last week, and the fever persist, then, the blame would have gone to tcm. I was tempted to try tcm all the way, but given the circumstance, I didnt. I also note that tcm physicians however good are wary of things going awry, and that would affect their reputation. There are a good number of mediocre ones, where you dont get worse, but you wont get better. All the more, I should be careful of not causing concern to a good one when I have benefited.

Is tcm a fad? I dont bother with fads. Nor do I go on the recommendation of anyone. But I do know the thousands of years of history of the largest race with their own form of medical treatment cant have totally no basis. Its how to sieve out hearsay, fables from what is the true essense.

There is no medical system that is a cure all, fool proof to heal all illness. Illness and death are constants in life. But tcm is, to me, the more natural means of remedy. The observations of sages who were physicians were recorded in books that are medical classics and a must-read for all who wants to learn tcm. So astute are their observations of patients and their conditions with respect to changes within a day, the atmosphere, the daily events that affect the emotions, diagnosis of a good physician is trained on observations, not merely visible, but smell, how the patient speaks, apart from taking the pulse and looking at the tongue. 望，闻，问，切。

This in itself convinced me more than a doctor facing the computer, busy keying in information, dishing out blood tests forms, and other kinds of forms. And key checks like temperature, blood pressure are left to nurses as technicians. I have no issue with the use of these instruments to help give indication, and really think a chinese tcm should not refrain from it as it does give a full overall picture. But when it all comes down to data that translate into whatever drugs, well....

I agree that it is actually much much harder to be a really good tcm practitioner. First of all, the mastery of their theory to aid deduction of root of illness, which is not symptomatic. Personally, I find it hard to grasp. Then, the observation must be sharp, and the correct judgement is vital. After which, the knowledge of the herbs, the quantum, the balance, all adds up. It is quite intriguing. And they do accept, only this much can be done. There are cases where nothing else can be done.

I have to admit, I am averse to many of the western medical procedures, hailed as advances. I dont use terms like quality of life. Life is life. It has in beginning and end from God who giveth us breath. Illnesses is one of the ways where our body tells us we need to scale down, rest. The drive to keep achieving, grasping has made many, if not most to have taken our breath and life as our right, without any regard to a Higher Being. The most arrogant, the most capable, the most able, when reduce to strengthlessness, I wonder what they think of. They are still in control? Of life? Really?

Tcm to me is not that be all and end all route. None is. I take on to it because it really is herbs that are intelligently combined for various unwellness in the body. And I do believe that breath is the key to the workings of our human body, which they call 'qi' . Only, like too many wise men, most do not acknowledge God.

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This whole episode indicates alot to me within. The verse in Psalm 90, where psalmist prayed, "So teach us to number our days,that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom, "now take a different meaning to me. I think it is a great mercy to be able to prepare for this last phase.

 I have to re-evaluate the things I wish to do, and accomplish before the days of my pilgrimage ends. Key of all, I dont want anyone to be upset. I want to be a cause of rejoicing when brought to remembrance. My heart is still very much in education. I have managed to revive my dissertation, and really hope to finish it. Most likely tcm course would have to go since I would never be able to use it to great profit. But I will hang on while I still have the space to manage in time and strength to accumulate the knowledge.

And thereafter, I hope, I will start penning down things in some order in books, which may leave to be of some help to others. I remembered the three objectives why, despite for my own preference for privacy, known to many, yet I have kept a blog that can be accessed widely.

First of all, I needed to write, for my own survival. I need an outlet for my thoughts, and sweetly, the kids didnt mind being my audience. I will always be grateful to the kids, not just the 2011 batch. The 2014 batch, ie. this year, year 5 is also another very special group.

Then, I hope somehow, this will be a springboard to organise my thoughts and embark on some writing. I have yet done that, but it will be a springboard. Time is now important to me, whether it be a few days or a couple of decade left.

Finally, I want, most of all, to bear forth a faithful testimony, of my christian faith to the very end. It is one's walk in life, not what one says. It's a walk amongs others, not merely in seclusion, and thereby being seen to be 'odd'. I remember Lee Wei Ling once wrote an article that to her, christians or non christians made no difference, because she noted from her obervations, that both were scared of death.

Why is one a christian? Why do one believe? To go to church? Just to make a profession? To have blessings upon this earth? To ask for healing because one is sick? When each person has reached the end of himself/herself through each their circumstance, they will be able to answer for themselves. I have noted some people spend their time being critical, and they could be right in some of their views, but that does not bear forth a testimony, or made them know the truth.

I wont answer for others. I will only answer for myself. I love the Lord because he first love me. I have walked the passage of this earth, and through the manifold ups and downs, I am grateful, for ratifying what I could, sincerely asking for forgiveness in the things I couldnt; and for the remaining days, to do what i can for others, whilst having such a glorious hope of the world to come, wherein dwelleth righteousness.

I dont want to wait till, one is really at the end of the road to say this. I want to say this now, because to me, this is what i am preparing for, the world to come. And leaving behind whatever i can to help my fellow friends. Doesnt matter how long from now. I want to prepare from now. Not that I hadnt been. Otherwise I would not be in such a comfortable state of mind. To me, what is seen as an end in this world is not the end. It is the beginning of that which I have sought for in my faith.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. By it, the elders obtained a good report.

And this testimony I want to hold to the end, most of all, in this blog, that is now the companion of my life. I should hope to write more often. :)

Overcoming.

It had been my intent to update yesterday because it was a special day. Except i was too tired and unwell. But it was to me, a day of overcoming tremendous odds, both accumulated for years, accumulated over months, acculmulated over the few weeks, and the final great obstacle leading to my piano exam.
 
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It was with a great sense of jubilation, very great sense indeed that I walked out of the Yamaha studio, having completed the Grade 6 Practical Exam. It isnt that it went very well. Nope, I fumbled and slipped in many areas that I shouldnt, although I had practices countless times. My aural and sight reading were never strong, so I am just aiming for bare pass. Could and should have done much better for the scales because I really knew all of them well.  And I really practiced hard for the pieces, though the dexterity isnt really there for the fast piece....and consistency is again never my strength....and with tension...well, that's exam for you.
 
But the jubilation is not whether I cleared or not. It is that, I overcome another hurdle. To those muscially inclined, talented, dexterous, you can never imagine how one with little sense of rhythm, and worse, with hand-eye coordination issues plus the drawbacks of age scale such a huge mountain.
 
When I first picked up piano, it is only for the purpose of being able to play simple tunes that I like. How it progressed through the levels is really the credit of Chris, my music teacher. At the same time, as a teacher, I also know the learner needs to apply his/her own metacognition, to understand how to overcome himself/herself. I have always quoted, A chain is as strong as its weakest link. And to strengthen the weak link, we got to know our strength and use it to support and improve the weak. What I really couldnt do, I will come back, reduce it to very small steps, and work at it. Chris is good in that, most of the time, she could point out a wrong positioning, an alterantive way etc. But ultimately, the learner must realise and work on them himself/herself.
 
But, even then, when mum was gone, alot went with it. I lost interest and motivation in everything. Stop, start, stop, and start again feb this year. In fact, I specifically said to Chris, I wont take anymore exams. She accepted it.
 
The first start, I will still thank Aaron Yap. Somehow seeing him everyday when I took 508 that semester was such an encouragement to see his grit and fight and love of music. He just reminds me of music itself. And I love attending all the recitals at nushs, when i was invited.
 
Then the ultimate low of low over nov-dec last year. A low, i wasnt even sure i could climb out. In taking the risk to leave nushs, I wanted to face myself, and what i had to face of the past. And yes, by the great mercies and grace of God, I came through. It took a great toll on my health, again another new low there.....
 
Chris was totally taken aback when I resumed lesson after a month, I said to her, since I have more or less learnt at least one piece from one section, and this is the last year i can use this syllabus, lets sign up for the exam. At that time, I did nothing with the scales and have totally forgotten them. She never managed to get me to practice though she kept nagging me. That was the last week of registration actually. And she allowed it.
 
I cant say why i wanted to take the exam. It is a goalpost to pull myself up. Not to take a sloppy attitude with music lessons. To try to improve on some techniques. To work on my own self-motivation. To move forward positively. And at that time, I didnt realise that the aches and pains were not as simple as i thought. And when things seemed that it could be really bad, I told myself, lets just fulfil the dream first. But it had turned out better and recovery was good. Then, it was Chris turn for an operation. And thankfully, it had worked out for good too.
 
The lessons the last two months were rather tense. I knew she was not happy with me. She said she would never enrol any student who is not prepared at the point of registration. She never had any student that failed, I only realised then. In my last 2 exams, she had told me to try, and not worry about failure. I knew she was disappointed that i didnt get at least a merit which she thought I should. But I was working 12 hours at nushs daily then. It was not possible for any practice.
 
This time round, its really not easy, as it is now advanced grade. The possibility of failure is there. She would not comment every time I asked her, can pass right? She would say, you need to practice. Then I will assure her cheerfully, I will practice. I will pass one. I wont break your record. She didnt smile back. O well. I knew why. I was stuck at a few areas, and she saw it as serious.
 
Less than three weeks before the exam, fitting in 2 extra lessons, i was playing worse especially for my worst piece. The remaining strategy left is to learn off my heart. I only learnt off one piece, and that she said was my best piece. Changing strategy last minute is always dangerous. But I told myself, if I tell my students, that practice can do it, I must prove it. That day I went back, and played it till I remembered it. Even then, I knew too well, what can happen in an exam.
 
I planned my schedule such that I would be able to put in very intensive practice the last 3 days leading to the exam on Friday. Alas, my sister had slipped disc and that was more urgent to attend to. I did feel unwell and very tired, but thought it was just lack of rest. Tues, I knew I had an infection, but my kids were having prelims, I really need to put them first. So tuition lasted till 10pm. I knew somehow something was not right.
 
Wed early morning, I lost my voice and there was so much green phlegm. Then as the hours of the morning crept on, I begin to realise it may not be just sore throat....i was shivering. I didnt have a thermometer, but i thought it should be on the high side. I was increasingly unwell.....then I took a risk, and drove down to the tcm clinic while I could. Once I reached, I seriously, couldnt remember much. I was running 40degrees. and with the chills and nausea, I really was half delirous. But I knew i reached a safe place. I have grown to trust zh and his wife in their medical ethics and care for patients. Not that I realise i was running that high fever till they measured.
 
Without medication, just by acupuncture and by 'letting out blood', and rest, the shivers subsided, and the temperature came down. They did insist on getting medication into me finally even though I was worried of throwing up in the clinic. He said, throwing up will do you good. But I didnt. He did think if I had gone to hospital, I would need to be on the drip, and suggested I see a western doc if the fever persists. I told him i intended to see a western doc to certify my sore throat since exam was on friday. He wasnt worried about the voice part. It seems the tcm medication can handle that.
 
Anyway, I dont know how I manage to regain my sense of balance, to drive back. He really thought I shouldnt, but my nephews were not able to help out at that time, and I didnt want to ask others who had alot on their plate already, and worse, pass the infection to them. It was really a feat. I knew I could be in control. I wont take risk on the road. I just needed to get my energy together to focus. The good thing about tcm is, it does not make you drowsy. In fact, actually, it does help to clear your mind.
 
 It was anyway 2.5 hours later. I felt bad, but at least, I was 'looked after' there with confidence. In the condition that I was, I think, sk and bil will say go to hospital and that I didnt want. I really felt much better, but still went to the doc in the afternoon. My forehead was cool by then, but when they measured my temp, it was 38.6. Doc said, i had pneumonia. I was totally taken aback. That accounted for the loads and loads of green phlegm that seemed to came from nowhere. And she said, if fever persists by the next day, Thursday, I would need an x ray and possible hospital admission. Piano exam was on Friday 440pm.
 
I decided forgo the exam, just focus on getting well.  I was positive, and did not panic. My sis family did, and kept asking if I should just go to hospital. I said, wait for the next day. Must get well, if I dont want to go hospital. But the fever was stubborn and kept at high 38 to 39 through the night. But seriously I didnt feel as louzy as the morning. Thankfully on Thursday, it did go the downward trend. Then, the possibility of taking the exam came up again. All the intended intensive practice was gone. I can only focus on keeping my mind, and occasional playing of the pieces and scale. It was good, I did have a fair bit of practice earlier, though, of course always not enough.
 
I had both encouragement and discouragement to take the exams and both sets care for my welfare. Zh supported me which was really helpful. And my nephew, who chauffeured me to and fro.
 
And yes, it helped so much that the gentleman at the registration counter was so kind and encouraging. I guess a lady my age taking exam must be rare. And at grade 6. :) But i think i really didnt look well. I was well wrapped up so that I wont get another infection through the cold.
 
Best of all, the examiner was an incredibly warm and encouraging lady. Compared to the lady at my grade 5 exam, she was miles better. That helped alot. At least, it helped me do my best for my favourite piece. She did ask me which piece I liked best, and when i said B1, she said, she thought so cos i played it feelingly. What a compliment! I made many mistakes, but I felt I should clear. I want to clear, for Chris sake. Chris was very kind also when she realised i was so sick. And yes, she said, she did hope I would take the exam.
 
For myself,taking the exam means alot to me. It represented what I went through...why I took up music...the ten years of wilderness; and then the years that I left behind, and moved on since mum's passing in jan 2010; the struggles the past few months, unwritten, in the heart; the gruelling practice the past few weeks, the belief that practice will yield result, and finally overcoming that last unexpected ordeal with determination which turned up to be the greatest hindrance at the end.
 
And yes, though I am still not fully recovered in quite a few ways, this episode taught me alot alot of things. Letting go was not a problem when I thought I had to on Wed. It was a pity, but it was really not important because I have learnt from the process.
 
Yes, it is a great jubilation going through the exams. I never measured worth according to conventional worth. I want to go through the exam,not for the recognition ( at  more than half a century, it does not matter!)  the culmination of many years of Chris efforts and my determination and hard work. Results is not critical, but for Chris record, I believe I will pass. Whatever4 it is,  I HAVE succeeded! I overcome! And in so many ways! The road is still long, and there will be many more mountains, but for this phase, I have scaled the heights for this round! Yes, one of my 3 goalpost is met for this year! :)
 
This is a very significant milestone to me....ten years of wilderness.

Through it all  ~  I know  ~ The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want.
 
 
 
 
 
 

低落

情绪低落， 就往这里来。

并没发生大事件。 其实发生任何事之前，实际上我已为大局，为他人预先想得很周全，做好准备。 但不等于我内心没感受。

但也习惯了。

真的须一世一直照顾他人？

并不是我无需要。最坚强也有脆弱的时刻。

无语不等于不在乎。实际上也无人可依赖。

对任何人没有期望是最好的。

是的，能赐给别人是有福的。

但我也的确累 了。 希望路途会短一些些。。。。我是累了。

感慨 ~ songs

I realised that july was the first month this year that i did not have an ending post at the end of the month. Yes, it does reflect that i am genuinely busy. And that is good. :)

There are actually alot alot of thoughts....and too little time to write them down....with a few urgent tasks at hand, and prelim exams of all the major exams coming up in these 2 weeks, time is really scarce.

Still, i thought i should deviate here for awhile......as thoughts float in my mind

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I have found the new generation media a useful means, strangely, to seek/reflect on the past, not as in personal past, but the past of a time frame. From the posts of friends, i followed their interest pursuits of various sorts, and read articles of interest posted. I noted among them are quite a few that 怀旧。

In following one article of a generation that love the chinese language for itself, I stumbled into a genre of songs that I had forgotten, well known as 新谣。There is a you tube tribute to this genre songs that have a very local flavour. I am basically 'English Ed' so, I didnt follow the trend then, though the songs were familiar, and many of them, I do like.  In particular songs composed by local composer 粱文福, a very talented and very unassuming chap。Thought I will attach one reference. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmgYj8k2R-8&list=PLn8Nn4pD-fejR9TAdbdyraZWOVUxGlZO5

It isnt the songs per se that brought up many thoughts, though they do, as the lyrics are meaningful, and tugged at the heartstrings. It was what songs do for a group of friends together. I know sean yee will understand this, as he did that in his school days. In tracing the composer and his peers, the stories they related were so familiar. In those simple days, where most didnt have money to buy casettes or had a casette recorder, we depended on radio or rediffusion. And we learned our songs from hearing them again and again over the radio. There was no internet. No photocopying machine, and photos were expensive. So everything was hand copied. If someone had the lyrics, we wanted to learn the song, we copied it, or better still, remembered them by heart. 

From school days, hardly a day pass without singing together with friends. There was always someone with a guitar, and once there was a free period, it would be a singalong time for many of us. Singing together brings comaraderie; it breaks barriers, it dissolves differences, and all felt as one. A cheerful rhythmic song brings cheer to all; a winsome ballad brings sentiments to all....all who sing were as one. I was not talented in music, or singing, but i have a great love for singing. Actually, of all forms of music I love, it is singing. In fact, of all the things I love doing, I love singing most. Probably even more than reading and writing. And I stopped. last ten years. In bewilderment. In wilderness. I guess, such was the tumults, I prefer wordlessness. I no longer know what to sing. Sometimes, I wonder if I really walked out of that period within.

Strangely enough, zh would keep asking me to engage into singing as a good activity. I never say anything in response nor ever ask him why he suggested. I think he feels it is a good way of easing tension. Whatever. I didnt ask. I wont wish him to know he hit a sore spot....... someday I hope, I will start singing again.
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Many of the songs depicted school days.....but definitely not about classroom learning, but rather quite the opposite. Urm, the lyrics were about how they fell asleep in class, looked out to the basketball court, how their mind was at the beach....waiting for the last bell.....most of us can identify with that..... very few actually listened to teachers. That was quite true....listening in class was not common in that generation.  I did listen selectively for the subjects I liked.

But we were respectful. Somehow in those times, we took responsibity of our own results. Somehow, whether we did well or not, we live life and grow up.

Are we overly serious about teaching and learning, trying to make every minute count? Trying to fill the kids minds with what we feel is good/best for them? Are competitions really good for them? Is winning awards really a sense of fulfilment? Is filling up the mind with endless knowledge and know-hows really living life? Somehow there is something I sometimes feel the kids miss in their lives.....Is education really the way it should be in this present generation? I wonder sometimes who is taking themselves too seriously, the kids or the 'educators'? I have no answer. I am still seeking for the answer.

In that sense, I must say, there is a beauty in literature.....the voice of the inner being....the seeking, the yearning, the venturing, the falls, the joys, the sadness...... The aforesaid composer went on to get his doctorate in chinese literature, whilst continuing to grace the music/song scene. His songs has such a feel of simplicity. This 'softness', the humanity aspect is not present in math and science. I wonder when we emphasise strengths of kids, without this humanity aspect, something somehow is lost....and that is really a part of humanity.......i worry, sometimes for them....

I remain thankful for the balanced education I had, that has provided both the breath of humanities, and the elegance of solving math problems. And above all, I develop my love for chinese.

Somehow that generation in the simplicity, has depth.... and this simplicity and depth is that which subsequent generation missed....we have a shared past that one can relate to, and it is colourful.....what can this present generation relate to? computer games? Internet? I dont know.

I would wish for this present generation that they would be more independent minded, to look beyond the over-planned system, beyond outward stimulation of their minds and their short span interests, and somehow develop a more wholesome outlook, be it in sports, meaningful pastimes, and more love of nature.....and a healthy inner cultivation....and live life.

Ironically, i have to thank the present efficient means of social media to link back to a timeframe that is part of one's being. As in everything, it is not the means itself that is detrimental. It is the user that turns the direction to good, or to harm. And really, if it was not that i have such implicit belief in the goodness of my 403 kids, I wouldnt have ventured past my inertness, and would therefore not  have the pleasure both of writing my thoughts here, and having the facebook as a communication network. I still say, to the few that had encouraged me, thank you. :)