Half Year Mark

Today marks the end of six months of 2013. That alone warrants a post.

Though I have always felt I am an independent thinker, I realised also how much the 'Singaporean' mentality is imbued in me. I say Singaporean because I really dont know if this mentality is universal. The mentality that there must be something that one should measure what one has done.

Not too long ago, over the haze, someone said, lets not get 'too fixated with numbers'. I thought how ironic that such a statement should be made. There is barely a day that passed that figures of sorts are  not presented in the mass media to measure 'progress', 'status', 'ranking'. If people here are 'fixated' with numbers, well, how was such a mentality bred?

So, I guess if I was to measure what I had done the past six months, it seemed rather 'blank' in terms of what is measurable.

The first two months were difficult, partly because of the transitional phases, and the many pains, within, without. I have learnt to bury the aches, and move forward, looking beyond, at the heavenly country that I seek for. Thereafter followed two months of recuperation, many thanks to the good physician that took good care to see to my recovery.
 
It has been a pleasant time, especially the last two months. Ibegin to enjoy marketing and cooking. I look forward to my walks, and my feeble attempts to 'swim' is still ongoing. I enjoy all my tuition lessons and times with the kids getting them to like math. I enjoyed my piano practices and am very happy that Chris is recovering from her operation, and best of all, the growth is benign.

I like especially all the meet ups and communications with my friends, ex colleagues and the kids. Some conversations with the kids have taken a different level as they grow up, and it is a joy to see. There have been some really good exchanges that were really meaningful.

Honestly I am glad though school reopens tomorrow, I am not part of it. Beginning of the year, I did feel sad. But now, I feel happy that I am not in the whole maze. I admit that there is a sense of loss, in that i dont know if i would ever be able to contribute to another generation of youth....but, I will not fret over it anymore. If there is a way open for me, I will take it. If not, as Cl has said, do good in whatever corner we are in.

I do realise that such a pace of life is not to be taken for granted, and that is appreciated.

Nevertheless, I hope the next six months will be more focused. Three things I hope would be completed well by the end of the year.... will not state what it is.....sigh, i guess, i dont have confidence that I would....I hope the end of 2013 post would see these goals accomplished.

And perhaps, I should include one more goal, to step out of Spore at least for a couple of days. J and kt wanted to get me out this june break, but in the end, I thought wait till end of the year. Yes, it would be good to do so.....

And i hope all my kids continue to keep well, grow well, do well for the remaining 2013.....

reflections.....

today, some kids visit....apart from one that i had met 2 weeks ago, hadnt seen the other 5 for a year....so it was lovely seeing them, and we had a good chat for 4 hours or so...

somehow, today, after they have left, there was a sense of sadness...it took me some time to figure out why... 

yes, i was happy it was an open conversation, and i was glad they shared freely of things and people in their lives...perhaps their openness led me to see glimpses of my own days at their age...the leaves of those days turned in my mind....

As i encourage them to venture beyond their comfort zone, to cherish the sweetness of special relationships, to remember their duty towards community...

i wished i have had the same advice .......sigh......i  wished those days could have been so much happier....

one can think too much without being thoughtful....

one can seek for wisdom whilst being in utter folly......

one can be the trap that bind oneself.... 

as i said to them, if i leave my days on earth today, i think i have done what i need and should to the best of my knowledge. I have no regrets.

But, what i didnt say was, there is sadness......

i rarely feel this way....but yes, youth has passed. time cant be turned back. every advice i gave them were words i would have wished i had, every hope i wish for them, every dream before them, i wish, i really wish they would live them because i didnt live my dream....

But i did my duty. And thankfully, by the mercies of the Lord, despite falls, abide by that inward call of conscience to this day. Yet, had my path differed, i know, i would not have been what i presently am, to them, to the many kids that are now part of the tapestry of my life.....

the kids are sweet. very. it is lovely and refreshing to see their youthful zest for life.....i hope they will be very happy....

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In these hazy days, alot of thoughts come to mind. Adversities bring out the worst and best in people. People who clamour for their rights, and hurl acerbic barbs of words are to be pitied.

True living is not about one's own comfort, one's own welfare.  If one never come to the point, that would place the good and welfare of others before oneself (not by words but by deeds), one have not lived.

Life is not merely breath.

That is existence.

Life touches others....

whilst we can....

Alot of thoughts....its just how to organise them in a coherent flow....

Sometimes, I dont know how to account for the way time passes, and what have i done? Positively, I have walked out of ill health, and am keeping up exercise routine through the week. Headaches have eased a great deal, and i have reached two panadol free months. A record.

Every week, I have at least 2 meet ups with friends/ex colleagues, and somehow, every week, i did hear from at least one student from the past. It is always pleasant to have a peek into their lives, and share their thoughts. I rarely take initiative to communicate so, really, it is a consolation to be remembered. 

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With the young, one sees their flapping wings, waiting to venture forth and explore. To me, young includes those in their thirties. Whilst I usually sound out caution, it is encouraging to see ideals, to see values, to see thoughtfulness.....

With the non-young, the occurrences of illness/unwellness is becoming more frequent......

 After a serious home accident  a couple of months back, Mr Soon has deteriorated, and that really pains. Very much. He still want to do odd jobs for me, but I dont want him to hurt himself anymore.  I owe him alot, alot. At a time, when really I knew who are friends, and who are not, he stood by in his gruff ways. I hope he recovers and stay well....

Chris is having an operation this week. The cliff hanger, benign or malignant is yet to be confirmed. Chris walked me through my musical journey and without her, music wouldnt have been a part of my life now. There is alot that I respect about her, and alot that i can emulate in her seeming nonchalant demeanour that belies a caring heart. It makes me more determined to practice and try to get through the grade exam, for her sake.

t finally told me that he had been warned that unexpected end can come anytime with some heart issue. I was stunned. For one moment, i felt, crushed. I realised he had waited till i was making good progress healthwise before telling me.

There isnt many in life that one can say  a  friend is a 知己. I have a few very good friends, and many lovely ex-colleagues, even ex-students that have become good friends. But, one that knows me from my youth, that knows my true capacity and appreciate without criticism even though he is superior in intellect and ability; one that had extended a helping hand in the three painful downsittings of my life; one that i can share strengths and weaknesses without fear of being hurt or misunderstood; one that can accept silence and understands even when the differences are great; one that can hold friendship even through long years of absence  ~  i think there is only one that i can say is my 知己.

For some moments, darkness hovered as the immensity struck home and pain grips. Over the past years, where I walked through losses and seen others do so, I have encouraged myself and those close to me, that we must not fail to live the present, in being overwhelmed by the pain of future losses. For whatever period, we are given to be with those whom we value, make it meaningful. No one can tell the length of days we have upon this earth. Who knows what will happen when? Whilst we can, let us do good and help one another.

So, at such a time, I encourage myself, and give thanks and count my blessings. How many can say they have such meaningful relationships as i have? These three are special because over the last ten years, they were people that stood by, where many didnt. I hope, I hope to these my dear friends, that I can be there for them, even as they have been there for me.

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and for other thoughts..... some day....another post.....
 
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thoughts (I) : Learning experiences

there had been plenty of thoughts over the past weeks, many of which i should have pen them down. but i didnt. i must make it a habit to do so since retention is really not as it was before. there were thoughts on equality/inequality; marriage and non-marriage; leadership and non-leadership; who we listen to, and when we listen.......all through observations......These areas alone span a wide spectrum....hope somehow i will gather the thread of thoughts
 
for the moment, i am trying to break inertia and start writing more regularly. what's on my mind is learning and factors affecting learning: motivation, attitude, will, personal strengths and limitations, readiness to learn.

people jump to conclusion very quickly with respect to how another learn, very often influenced by their own experience. a poor listener and a myopic vision make a non-ideal teacher. a lack of self-awareness and clarity of purpose of learning make a non-ideal learner.

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i am merely writing from the viewpoint of my  owm personal learning experiences... i have made a start to pick up swimming last week....
 
as a kid, i was branded poor/weak in health, bad in coordination, dumb in recognising right and left, bad handwriting, untidy. despite having the privilege to have swimming lessons, i hardly learn to swim. sk was always favoured and always had the attention. she could draw, she could play the piano, she could pick up swimming, she could dance. honestly, i wasnt jealous. but, i always wished i could be good in those areas. it wasnt that i wasnt interested. but when you couldnt do it, and the result is so far from what your mind would want, its easier to hide behind and dont do it. actually i really wanted to do it. yes, even to do a graceful dance.
 
in the painful downsittings spanning 2002- 2007 where i totally didnt know what to do with myself, i started picking up things to keep my mind occupied. when i learn something, there has got to be a reason which must serve as a strong motivation. then only would i have the will power to really set my mind on learning.
 
 knitting was the first. why? because of these words in the Scriptures,
" that their hearts might be comforted, being knit together in love, and unto all riches of the full assurance of understanding, to the acknowledgement of the mystery of God, and of the Father, and of Christ; "
 
i wanted to know why the word 'knit' is used, and what it should be among brethren. for months, there were days that i just knit day and night, to pick up the skill, to pass time....i knitted till my fingers ache. i saw how the stitches inter-weave together to make a finished item..... but how to translate that to the hearts of brethren, i dont know. i remained in semi-solitude save for very few......

and in particular i remembered a very very dear friend and sister from my schooldays that i have knitted a scarf for....if i have one final wish, it is to meet this dear friend again......
 
then i picked up the flute. because music is wordless.......because words fail in the depths....... i love the sound of the flute. i wanted to play the few poignant pieces..... . so the western flute i picked up on my own, a few lessons with the chinese flute.....it was not easy though i did get to play the tunes i wanted.
 
then, piano and art. both were failures in my childhood. both, which i wish i could do. especially art, because i failed it without fail....and my 'art-work' was the butt of rather cruel jokes....funny to others, but actually not to me....though i laughed with them....  so, i did learn art for 3-4 months with a very good teacher and i did sketch tiger and brownee....that was a joy to me. i will pick it up again one day. in the end, i got furthest with piano, clearing grade 3 in 2007 and grade 5 in 2009, and hopefully more this year.....
 
then, driving, because i saw it was impossible for me to do a masters at nie with the travelling if i don't drive. i know my limitations very well, poor coordination, very weak sense of direction and once i decide to give it a go, i did alot to ensure i make it, and that if i do so, i must be a safe driver. driving is a responsibility, first of all, to others, then to yourself. in 5 months, i put in more than 120 hours of lessons. it cost a big bomb, but i wasnt taking any risk. so, i got my licence in end 2007. only those who knew me well from before knew what a feat this is, for me.....

then, doing the masters.....academic and reading is somehow a part of me, so that was really more discipline that i needed to enforce...and still need to.....

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honestly, being a non-activity person, 'sports' is really not part of my world, though i do enjoy watching kids in games and competitions. actually, i was a hyper active kid. but whatever 'games' i tried to play, i never crossed even the beginners stage.  i remembered there was a kiddy  'catching game' called hoppity hop where you catch others by hopping. i knew i was not wanted in any team because i was louzy. my 'best friend' at that time was a very atheletic girl who was very popular. so anyone who wanted her in their team, would take me along. it was sad, but i liked to play, so i was happy to be accepted so i can play. I could hardly hit the shuttle cock in badminton, and the pingpong in table tennis, or catch the ball in basketball. rather sad, because i did so want to play those games....

sporty people take all these for granted....and people assumed those who are non-sporty chose to be so....coordination dont come easy to everyone....and people laughed at others for their being clumsy, not realising that is actually a form of 'disability' in learning......

its the same when people assumed those who failed maths dont like math. that is not true......
 
with swimming, well after a few lessons that lasted a few weeks (i think i was about 9 then), i could swim some sort of breast stroke but only as long as the breath held out. no one actually took any notice of my progress/lack of progress. honestly, i think i was really an aside most of the time....anyway, swimming activity stopped with the downturn at home and the beginning of many more trouble. then at 11, attending a classmate's birthday party, i did what i shouldnt have, attempt to 'swim'. she must be very rich, cos she had a swimming pool at her place. at that time, very very few had such means.  

i thought i could swim. for a short while. then the inevitable happened. i drowned.  i didnt realise the pool was not uniform in depth, and that the middle part of the pool was the deepest and i couldnt stand. i was pulled out unconcious. the only time in my life that i knew i fainted. i remembered that feeling of opening my eyes, and seeing faces round me, and i called their names...i wanted them to know, i am alive! but i dont think they understood what was in my mind..... my friend's father said, a little later, i would not have made it.
 
that afternoon, when i got back home, i had to attend chinese tuition. i didnt dare tell anyone at home. i could be beaten up if mum knew....and that already happened too often.... I already felt really awful, sick in my stomach, with a whirling head. And i stuck it through without a word. At eleven. So, yes, i sometimes wonder what mettle the present generation is made of.
 
the impact of the drowning was very deep, not with water. but with the close brush with death. i could remember vividly as i gasped for breath in the water, trying to get help by pulling at swimmers that swam past above me, and realising that i may die in the pool, wondering what mum and dad would take it when they get the news that i am gone.......i remembered giving up, resigned to die and fainted. that i think probably saved me, because i think that helped me float.
 
 this is the first time in my life, that i relate that incident in detail. the impact of possible death hit me very hard. the weight in my soul was heavy but i couldnt talk to anyone. At any point in life, such an impact would be immense. At eleven, in the midst of dark turbulence at home, that mark in the soul cannot be understood by many. i am grateful to have been saved then, that i may receive the knowledge and understanding of salvation in the days to come.

i never went to the pool again until nus days. but i still couldnt swim. when i mentioned that i had drowned, people assumed that i had developed water phobia. actually, i didnt. that is their assumption. i am fully aware i drowned not because of water. but because i didnt have the requisite skill. i dont float well. those who tried to 'teach' me swimming concluded that my buoyancy is poor, my back is not straight, and i also thought that was the reason.

there were a few enthusiastic 'friends' who somehow were so confident that they could teach me to do the things i couldnt, like swimming, cycling, and even playing squash. of course all failed, and left me even more convinced of my hopelessness in coordination and balance. their confidence was probably due to their own ability.

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why swimming at this stage? over the past months, i have been repeatedly told that swimming and cycling are the best exercises for the back. zh kept telling me that even if i cant swim, just doing exercise in the pool would help. actually, zh has really been a good physician in many ways. honestly, i didnt quite see why these 2 activities which i dont do is mentioned so often, until finally in a conversation with cl and kuech 2 weeks ago, that i finally understood. and cl told me her mum manage to pick up swimming, so why cant i? good point. kuech wasnt so convinced that it could be picked up so late in life.  

i am not a person that needs company to do something. actually, i rather like my own company. :) Neither do i need cajoling. I need to see the reason why. Once it clicked, and the will sets in, that is all i need. so, once i decided, i embarked on it.

to learn anything, the learner must be 'engaged'. whether by self-motivation or by motivation from instructor. thankfully, i am not a person that depends on motivation from instructor, though i do require clear and good instuctions. urm, my swimmng instructor is  very 'aunty-like'....interesting. :) whatever, i found alot of good you-tubes with helpful tips, and that helped me to make progress on my own.

so yes, i felt a sense of elation after 2 lessons, and a third on my own (after understanding all the physics reasoning), i could float and do some whiplash kick without any aid. what seemed really a non event to most, is to me, very significant. everything is relative. it is not being able to float/swim. in terms of actual swimming, i am not there yet.


but it is the overcoming, in this case, not merely overcoming an area of weakness.....also a childhood nightmare..... and overcoming on my own....there is an inward joy....... that shadow is finally chased away......

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on a closing note, i believe one would make a better teacher by taking on learning something that one is not good at, even what one lacks interest in..... only when you have to overcome personal handicaps, inner obstacles and finally come out of the tunnel, that self-awareness of the various hurdles to cross would help one really feel with the learners......