moving on...

Despite not having a 'working' schedule, most days are well filled. it was good to restart tcm courses. Particularly like the herbs module. But its going to be very tough. Really tough. The lapse of one year and the language issue are obstacles in itself. Still, its the benefit of learning itself. Frankly, except for their lack of scientific wonders, i think their diagnosis theory and observations makes alot more sense. The problem however is, how well one is grounded in the wisdom and knowledge. I dont think I would dare to embark on this path, fearing to do more harm than good. But I think, I would try on myself though. :) And Brownee has definitely come through the worse and is on the mend! So glad about it. It was really heart rending to see all the sore spots and her evident pain. I hope she would have some respite from these sores for sometime.

Time passed fast when one has to try to fit in exercises as well. Am picking up. Which is good. Bp has not reached usual levels, but at least it is trending downwards. Not swimming as much, but at least once, mostly twice a week. Managed to fit in a walk this week. Have also got into the habit of updating G regularly. Its nice that she takes such a genuine interest in little things many would not have. Its a deep comfort.

K has left for Denmark. I do miss him, but its good that he ventures out to his dreams. J has been sweet to assure me, he is still around. Have also caught up with ld and vl - they matter to me. Very much. Also met up with PL. The kindnesses I have received from each of them, I will always remember.

Each day, I am moving on. There are times, I feel renewed in strength. There are times, I feel strength has its limits. Whatever, each day has been well accounted for. May not have done all that could be done. But at least, it has not been as before, watching time slipped away and wondering why I did so.

I miss many kiddos. And follow them from afar. Honestly, i am thankful i am not in their shoes; sometimes following their conflicts, their uncertainties, their heartaches, remind me so much of my own. I hope each will find their direction....and much more than that. May they know the God that has saved me, who alone is the all wise God, and who alone saveth to the uttermost. May they come to the saving knowledge of God and rejoice in his salvation. This, I truly wish for all my kids.

And also for all my dear friends, whom I do owe so much....now that it appears to be the end of the tunnel for me, all the more I am so grateful to each of them. Especially these last 7 years, without their warmth and kindness, I wont know where I would have been. And as much as I have received from them, I wish very much to return the much good I have received.

In Remembrance.....

This is the third year from his passing, 20 Jan 2012. His batch has graduated last year. I didnt go for the convocation or the prom night. But on both occasions, I remember him. I am sorry he is no longer here.

I will remember him always...when I stretch my hand to hold his, it was too late for me to reach out to him. But I will remember him, particularly, every year this day. And I will do what I can, to help every child, as best as I can. I remain sorry, that I had not helped him enough.

I will not let him be forgotten in my heart. In remembrance......

first post of 2015

It has taken me a long time to write this first post of 2015. But i think it has been worth the time. I wanted the first post to be a good one. That is not to say, that this is the first good day. No, in fact every day has been a good day.

I kept my resolve, the same resolve as that I had made a year ago, to do a little something for a little someone, every day. Be it, just a friendly note, its still a little something.

When I said, I tied up things fairly neatly in 2014, I really did. If each day is the last of my days, I can say, on the whole, no regrets. I want to live each day accountable to the Lord. I want to live each day bringing a little good to someone.

Because so many days have passed, and I really want to keep track of what 2015 has been, I have to do a listing of events just for me to recap when I should have the time and space to read back.

1 Jan : Pulau Ubin trip. A trip I thoroughly enjoy because I really love boat trips. The serenity, the simplicity, the loveliness of nature, and of course the good company. thc, lsc, j and k, ls, and zh family. Will upload the few photos that I took someday. Actually the moments of being at sea, with sea breeze blowing across my face, and the wide expanse of the sea meeting the sky is etched in my mind. One trip I will not forget. :). And it was good for ls as well. J and K really looked after her as well. I have to admit, i had to take panadol to reduce discomfort, but its well worthwhile.

Another good thing, have a cordial exchange with ttk. I do value the friendship despite the differences. And when we managed to with 20 minutes, both using different channels to send good greetings without yet receiving one another's message, its good. I value that.

2 Jan: The last 2 to 3 days were a little tight to rush through the reference letters. Thankfully US is 12 hours behind us. I couldnt find time earlier to do it, and did want to do a good job out of them. So it was a rush to meet the deadline and I did. :)

A clearing up day, and making appointments. It was a down day actually. I did write, but didnt post. Hadnt felt well. Whatever, i intend to press ahead. Managed a good swim. Also went to daiso to get flowers for the cemetery visit....

3 Jan: Didnt start tuition. Met sx to collect back some books, and hope the conversation would help him. i worry about him, but he has to find his own directions.

Had a very good lunch with Ld, the sushi teh meal that we have put off for two years. Whether it is to celebrate his birthday, to celebrate the end of his Masters, or my Masters, it doesnt matter. We had a good meal here a few years back, and this is a way to recap that. Always lovely company. Always a very dear friend.

4 Jan: Quiet day. Marked our one year attendance at PCC. There had been times of edification particularly the exposition from Genesis of the life of Jacob. Though I do not feel totally at ease here, at least, one can sing psalms, and hear Scriptures read using KJV version. Worship is within, of the heart. It suffices.

5 Jan: In my half-hearted uncertainty what do do with this tcm course, i attended the first lecture to try to find some direction. zh feels i should at least cover the 5 basic components to have a better understanding. I may do so. Would have to see what the outcome is tomorrow first.

visited OH who delivered early, with thc, lsc, and sn. It was good to see them all again. I seemed to be relating better with kids lately! :)

6 Jan: Saw Dr R today. This appointment had been heavy on my mind, once I decide I should get a professional view of some ailments. It is good in that he was quite certain the head/neck discomfort that had been going on and on is unlikely to be any growth. He concurred with zh that its impingement of nerves. Relieved because i hate to have to be put in a situation of decision. Though it does not alleviate the discomfort which can be really not good at times, at least its not a situation of greater gravity. So, its all good. With this clear, i can more clearly plan for the year, which i had not dared to do so. Am grateful for the respite of time, and all the more, it must be redeemed to profit for others.

Cemetery and columbarium visit today with J and K. Am very grateful for their company. We did alot of clearing up at the graveyard. J and K are really very lovely. It is a great comfort. This is the first time I visited mum and dad without any family members. 2013 30th dec, P went with me. Things had not been good with P. I hope he really sort things out. In any case, this was the best visit, because J and K are far more thorough. We saw to the repair of damage and make arrangements for constant upkeep. I had depended on bil in past years, not wanting to interfere in decisions. Finally, i am free to do what i wish. But head was really bad. Took my 3rd panadol for the week.

Sisters night....

7 Jan: Piano lesson. Didnt practice, but its always good to learn from Chris. :)

Decided to go to zh as this is the last day at cc. I will miss this place, the place that I had regained much of my health. I guess this nerve impingement situation is not going to go away in a hurry. But at least there is some sort of alleviation. Tuition day. New 10 year old kid.

8/9 Jan: Do what little i could to help with the move from cc to pp. Observe tensions. Just focus on doing good.
 8 Jan: dinner with J and K, and settle hp issues. Really not well to swim.

9 Jan: Finally send car for  service. Went to teach t1 and t2. Hope to do good especially for t2.  Really feeling not good, and the setting in of some spiralling down.

10 Jan: Relieved to awake to a new day without too deep an impact. Really grateful. Very grateful. Unwellness can be managed. Spiralling down is much much harder. Busy day with tuition. Otherwise a quiet day. blss boys coming tomorrow for steam boat. but no energy to prepare. Leave all till tmr.

11 Jan: A good day. ky went off after meeting. had a good chat with ls. K came down with me to get all the food and helped with the preparations. So the usual 6 gathered here. I wont say it is the best of our gatherings. There had been better ones. But the depth has been built. There are more differences between themselves, but now that they are 25, they have really grown up. It is still gratifying to see them. From 2005-2006, it has been a good 9 years. I value this bond. Another panadol though. Sigh.

12 Jan: Decided to spend the day in instead of attending tcm lesson. Trying to ease off tensions within and hoping for easement where bp is concerned. V came and helped settled new tyres and vicom inspection. Which i am grateful for the service. New hp gave problem so had to send for repair. Then proceed to pp to finish off the last bit of help that i can render. So all things are in order. A good day.

13 Jan: Managed to get in a swim. Finally weather has turned to sunny most of the time. which is a great help. Except, brownee has really been unwell again for some time. Same ailment, and looking more scrawny. I feel sad, but want to give her as much comfort as possible.

Sisters night.... i think i made S1 happy. :)

14 Jan: Piano lesson. No practice again I am afraid. Chris, is good as always.

Picked OH to pp as pre-arranged. Also got medication for myself and brownee. Was recommended some veg/fruit juice combi. Must get a blender. Whatever, its always good that a physician hears what you say. Hope there will be relief for the discomforts that can be quite distracting at times. Got some foodstuff needed for tomorrow. Its the big day cos WC and her family and Joey are coming for dinner. The last time was two years back, without WC's family. And the next time, who knows?

15 Jan: Marginal improvement. Busy day to settle alot of stuff, including blender. Including final decision on tcm courses, final settlement of the insurance matters from the last car accident in may 2014, and getting all that is needed for dinner today. Tires out too easily i am afraid. So, by the time, they came, yes, i was rather tired.

It was good to gather. But in some ways, it was not as good as the last meet, where there was more simplicity somehow, more hearing of one another? Dont know. Whatever. Its always good to gather. And I do like WC's boys. Was quite drained at the end of the day.

16 Jan: Quickly the week is coming to an end. First attempt at blending my own veg/fruit juice. It went well! :) Swim with K was really good. One of my best stamina for a long while. This is the last lesson before K leaves for Denmark. Will really miss him. But am glad he is venturing out to do what he wants. He has been really almost like a son. Taught t1 and t2 , then dinner with El. It is always a good meet with this very dear friend of 3 decades. She is one person i can share alot of personal thoughts, who understands my strengths and weaknesses and who listens and cares. Truly I am blessed with so many wonderful friends.

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Okay, this is up to date. :) Am feeling better today than most days, which is the main reason why I am updating today. Brownee is still not good, but she is at least at rest. Strength is not as before for myself, but that is not the crux. Dinner with J at viet's place, good chat. didnt manage to collect hp.

What is important is, I feel I am beginning to walk out of the tunnel...how long this tunnel is, depends on when one defines it. But especially the last three years, when i took the step to leave a structure institution, to face myself, the past, the issues within, I think I have reached the end. Its not to say, there is no wounds. Have been corresponding with G and was astounded by her astuteness and perceptions, and have benefited from many things she wrote. Yes, Jacob walked with a limp all his life....there are things that are going to be there. I accept that. I am only grateful to see continually the goodness and mercies of the Lord. Whatever the frailities of this outward or inward frame, the Lord changeth not.

Its not without fear yet, but its with hope and confidence in the Lord. As to the days ahead, still the same mantra, a little good to a little someone each day suffices. And the left hand need not know what the right hand doeth.

Truly the Lord is good, and his mercies endureth forever.  Hence ends this record on the 17th day of 2015.

And december ends....and 2014.

In 15 minutes, the year 2014 will come to a close. I cannot end the year without coming here, my faithful companion for the last 5 years and more.

yes, i completed my mission, and finally I submitted on 30 dec. I was not elated, relieved, yes, a little. But, i have to admit I was more concern with the reaction thereafter.....it had been a tough period, sleep, headaches, and disturbing dreams, very disturbing. Thankfully, by the mercies of the Lord, I was sustained, and the spiral did not go to the depths that it could, and I think, yes, I am picking up.

This is not a time for a long post, though there has been so much reflections. It is the time to take stock.

Actually, for me, 2014 is probably one of the best years. It started out very shakily, not helped by joining a new place with a system that I have difficulty adjusting, and that in turn, impacts health. I have learnt that it is important to know your own boundaries, and was decisive. And being so, ensured that things flowed relatively smoothly.

Highlight of the year has got to be the teaching stint. It made me very happy some of the times, and I really treasure that sense. It is a year that many things are cleared so that I enter into 2015, without any baggage. Starting music again is a positive move toward the next year. And swimming relatively ok now is another plus for the year, many thanks to K.

Its a year that I feel alot more warmth and support from many quarters. The last phase in particular, el, J and K really tide me through. I was really touched by el. I am really indebted to her kindness and sisterly love all these years. Am also quite glad to be able to be in better communication with G now that she is more accustomed to online means of contact. It has been a comfort, this source of contact.
ls is as always my very faithful friend and sister. it has been a rough year for ld, thankful that he has tide through it, and hoping it would be better for him, another faithful companion. Then there is cl and kuech. And the friendship of nushs people and ex students are always a comfort. Today is the 5th year that i meet with rc and company at the year end gathering. It is now customary to do so. I miss the kids that have left spore....but their place is always in the heart.

Really, its a year that i feel i reap alot, and settle alot, whatever the rough times. Perhaps family ties are more tenuous, but then, they never were strong. 'Ties' is probably more obligatory, and i am happier at that.

I can only say, i am grateful. Very grateful. And with most of the ends tied, i can finally say, yes, a little good to a little someone every day from now on. Just live meaningfully. No more baggages. I am truly thankful. Very very thankful.

Hence ends december 2014 and 2014 itself.

The Lord is good, and his mercies endureth forever.