Change

It has been a long time since I write an objective post on a topic. There are many topics that I wanted to write, and I hope I would get down to it. The last two days, for the first time, I finally felt I have a grasp of things, and not just surviving. I hope to remain this way and have a clearer pathway for more writing. Having cleared what I have wanted for the week, I thought to reward myself to settle in here to write.....and of the many things that float in my mind, I thought of 'change' .....

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Some days ago, whilst listening to someone recounting some events, she said, I changed a lot, and went on to illustrate how she has grown in wariness with dealings with people . Her friend also quipped in that she too has changed and was no longer that cheerful. I pointed out that in the process of growth, such 'changes' are part of it. And just because we react to a situation differently due to environmental factors does not really mean we have changed fundamentally.

That conversation reminded me of someone asking me some 6-7 years back whether he had changed as he had been told that he had. I replied, I don't know if you had changed, but you were different from the earlier period that I knew you. He muttered, you and your semantics. I said it was not a matter of semantics, because the difference observed may not have been change at all and could have been present all along but not seen because one hadn't known the person well enough , or the trait could have been dormant and circumstances showed it up. There are many perspectives to a person.

Then I remembered also another conversation some 3 years back. A good colleague commented, don't expect a person to change once past 30, unless something catastrophic happens. He used 30 as a benchmark I guess because at that age, most would have been stable. The two persons in the first scenario are under 30, and the chap in the second case is over 30. So really our views concur though from different perspectives.

I still feel nothing is really absolute. Its true that a big crisis can be a much needed turning point in moulding character, or turning a person round but it can also be a breaking point, or the 'excuse' to guard one's own ends in the name of bad experience.

Where there is growth, we grow into a new phase, and become 'different', but it is part of oneself growing into it. Sometimes it can be negative growth, and hopefully, there will be a time of pruning the unhealthy growth. To me, this growing into 'a phase' is not a change. Its our 'becoming' something. For instance, we can become more patient, more open, less reactive etc. Of course it can also be the reverse. It is really a becoming, rather than a change.

There are times that we seem to see a drastic change in a person, for instance a very quiet person unexpectedly take on the role of a  highly articulate public figure after a space of time. It is usually not sudden or immediate. The space of time would have provided the opportunity to develop what was latent, which the old circumstance could have stifled, or a lack of self-esteem did not bring the quality to fruition earlier.

Actually, growth is something we undermine. The growth environment, whether nurturing or the lack thereof, is a strong moulding factor. And like nature, each tree, each plant bear forth flowers and fruits at different phases, in different seasons, at different time interval, so that is true of everyone. Growth is continual, taking place all the time, though home and school play pivotal roles. We tend only to see 'input' and 'outcome', a function relationship that is quite static.

And whilst its fairly true to say one's values is formed and rooted by 30, if one keeps a frame to learn and grow, then we would continually be 'becoming into' a 'new change' which is a part of ourself transforming. Age should not be a limit. There is a lot latent in ourselves to learn and grow though possibly the growth is at a decreasing rate. Its fearful and tragic to reach a stage that one thinks one knows it all, and think one has developed to one's best.

So in a way, yes, we continually change, (hopefully always for the better, more positives, less negatives), and yet we are not really changing, but growing into a better self (it has got to be better!). Its stagnancy that we should fight against. That's different from constancy.

 If time is not a factor accounted for in a seeming significant change, then I would say there could be three situations. One, there had been a misjudgement somewhere on the part of the observer. Then, it could be a deliberate misrepresentation by the 'changed' person. And the third case, some intrinsic factors, health, pressure, stress, unknown circumstances have impacted the person to deviate from one's norm. A good and sensitive friend can do a lot to help cross this stretch....and the 'change' is not irreversible. This is where discerning and perceiving is important.

And sometimes, we are 'different' not because we have changed, but being aware of certain traits in ourselves, we have made effort to exercise restrain and keep a façade that is more appropriate or in consideration of the circumstance or for certain persons. This self-restraint can be practised to perfection sometimes, when inwardly actually, the same trait remains. This would have been seen by others as a change. The self-restrain do come with a price though.

Self awareness, self analysis is sadly missing in many. In a way, it is the lack of development of the metacognition. This is different from being introspective and being continually fixated on oneself. Self awareness helps one to understand how others view us (not that that is always important), and help us make adjustments. This is sometimes what is called environmental quotient. And it does help to save situations and ease difficult moments and relationships, especially in home situation and at work.

I know this sounds somewhat like rambling....yet, I feel, awareness of the factors of  'change' will help us, and help us with others.

This is an objective analytical post.

默契

如果可以形容默契，那就不是默契。英语没有相应的词，表达默契的含意。

思绪有些波动。。。但波动中，还是平静。虽然心底是 有疼痛，但这也是习惯的感受。

最近，看了“天冷就回来”，还看了两场，第一场跟自己约会；第二场，J陪我，有点象母子，我是幸福的。梁文福的歌词实在写得很好。听了有很多的感触，而且，在许多歌曲，都可响应内心的心声。其实，我也是去年八月间，偶然的在fb看到他的文章，觉得从他的文字中，感觉到有一种默契。也从那时起，注意他的作品和歌曲。现在，看他的文章，似乎有一种老朋友的感觉。毕竟是同一个年代的人。

你可以认识一个人一辈子，却无法沟通，默契更免谈。你可以认识一个人很多 很多年，熟悉到一个眼神，彼此都意识到对方的思绪。你可以在一沙那，和某某人有那无解的默契，有好多共同的观点，有那熟悉、舒适的亲切感。有些人称这是缘分。我不知道什么是缘分。所有不能有理智的解释，以缘分的角度看，就合理。我只知道，感触，默契是没法解释的。

二十多年，在教室里，教好多好多学生，知道不应该偏爱孩子，但其实，心里是有特别偏爱的学生。到现在，还是怀念几位让我心疼的孩子，如今应该长大了。还好，还有几位仍然保持联络，是有默契的，但也不可透露谁在心中有深刻的足迹。喜欢一个人或一个孩子，对某一个人有特殊的感触，是没有理由的。

今年在农历新年，收到一位学生亲自送到我家的道谢信。信中，他坦言很难把想说的话讲出，所以写下他的感想。其中的一段，他答谢我，因为我曾说过，喜欢一个人是自然的事。他凭这句话，吸取力量，在这几年给他安慰。我有点意外，他记得我这样说过。我想当时，好像有人取笑一位同学喜欢某某同学， 我替他解围，说道，喜欢一个人是自然的事。其实这是事实，喜欢是自然的，不需要理由。为什么需要为喜欢一个人而道歉？当时，我应该这样的开导他们。

从他很短的那段话，我可猜想到他所处的立场。他是个无私的孩子，如果付出应该是与他有默契的友人，但他不会去争取，也不会表露。就算不是一个无奈的结局，他也不会去争取。叹气，好熟悉的境面。我没想到几年前闲谈中的话，会无意中安慰到旁听者。我看了他信里的表达，心为他疼痛，他应该很难受，也应该只在这张纸的这一行表达。。。其实他也是与我有默契的一位学生，我很珍惜他。

让心有那疼痛的感觉，除了最亲的亲人之外，也只有与自己有默契的人能触到内心深处。俗语说，海内存知己，天涯若比邻。是自我安慰吧？在思念中的自我安慰。思断肠，天涯那可能若比邻？相反的，觉得好遥远，只得以回忆当桥梁，盼望后会还有期。

有默契，不等于是知己。能不能持续友谊，做知己，也只能看缘分。不能解释的，都以缘分来抵挡，不然，更难受，更困惑。我总觉得，以文字或歌词表达心语的人士，好多都是内向，内外不一，文字表达的，都是说不出的语言。感情也许太丰富。还好，无奈中，以文字与歌曲可溶解心秋，等待时间冲淡。

让默契与无语相伴。那淡淡的痛觉也习惯了。在水一方有佳人。

A bond is a bond...

yes, i wrote using the same heading 6 months ago. http://reflections-ssh.blogspot.sg/2013/10/a-bond-is-bond.html

and for the same reason, I am writing now. Exactly 6 months....I wonder if tch planned it....and yes, like before, I am touched.

and all he wanted to know was whether I am happy and well, and that is enough. I felt bad not visiting Ah Kor, and really had intended to, and should be doing so in June. But that was never his concern. Genuinely reflected. And the constant reminder to just be happy.

Honestly, if I have to think of family member in the true sense of what it should be, I think of tch. I know if I had allowed, he will be to me all that a brother would do. I didn't allow. Everyone must bear their own burden. But, my heart is grateful and touched, as I am, in every contact, since the passing of mum.

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actually, it had been a tough period over the last 2 to 3 months. I have learnt to write 'Not to be posted post' and there were about 6 of them. And just when things seemed better, I guess health had taken some knocks, and some old issue recur.

I am waiting to end this final teaching assignment by october. Yes. Final. I love the kids. Teaching is still in my blood. But this will be my swansong.

Once I really decide to put this phase behind, I just need to keep occupied till the day of redemption from this earthiness.
Not that I am bitter or sad. I recognised that whatever the troughs and valleys of the past, I have really a lot to be thankful for. And though 'family' is still in reality a name that cant take any weight, I have very very good worthy friends. tch call reminds me how much I owe him, a real brother to me. I must make effort to keep more in touch.

Had been too busy and had to turn down meet ups. There is kuech, cl from school days, and yes, tk. There is dear el where every meet is a joy. There are my dear friends from nushs. And my many many kids. Sometimes, in a fb post, I am actually happy when kids from 6 different schools like my post.

From a certain quarter, there is a kind of vacuum. But, the kind communication that come from nz and uk is appreciated.

On record, I still have to say this. Two persons from this phase that is really my life, who walked with me, one from 13, the other from 19....when, when, when will we reconcile? Surely, surely, surely, a bond is a bond. Surely the unspoiltness, the spontaneity, the true friendship, and true care in the faith should not be buried, and never recovered till time is no more? This remains a grief to me....yes, my deepest grief....but life goes on.

A bond is a bond.