and 403 again....

have been wondering if there would be a chance to gather with gerlynn's return these 3 weeks....earlier at cny, no dates were agreeable to all....with nus, smu exams, and boys army schedule...

so, that it did take place and 11 turned up, is really good. Really, really, really good for me. Its really something special to see them, everytime i see them. This is the 6 th year, but somehow that special feeling is still the same. And it was really nice that some of them took so much interest in the new dressing of the two rooms. Somehow, they are part of this place.

So, in no time, 5 hours passed. Most of them looked the same, minimum change in weight/height as well, though there were! Conversation can range from any random happenings at home, at army, at school, on the streets......whatever.... it is still the same easy flow, with plenty of squeals and laughter.....

at the end of every such gathering, my heart would sink a little, wondering when the next would be, and when things would change, as surely it would, someday....with more and more uk bound in the years to come....

but, for the moment, every such occasions are treasured. Hopefully, in june, it would be possible for another such gathering.

I did say to them, ten years from now, maybe some would come with babies?

Then again, who knows, who will be around ten years from now....

Still, i was really happy yesterday. Hadnt felt this for a long time. :)

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Yesterday was also a time where i did have more conversation with the girls. I was at ease talking to them over some medical issues. Its funny, i couldnt open up to alot of people. But with them, it was so easy. And it was helpful to hear them relate some similar cases they knew. For once, I am beginning to see them growing up.....really lovely girls.

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This morning, unexpectedly, mr soon turned up. Hadnt seen him since the week before cny. It isnt that i didnt think of calling him over some stuff, but I was always afraid that there would be a day I call, and he isnt there.....

So, seeing him, and seeing him well, I was really happy. He wasnt too well when i last saw him. Discussed with him over some things i needed done in the house, and that was a load of my mind. With him, you need only tell him what you need solved. He see to the rest.  I was also touched with his concern. I know he regard me almost as his daughter. Its nice to have such a meaningful bond build out of trust over twenty years by now.

Time is a test for alot of things.....

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I had wanted to write this post happily. But something upset me badly today.

words really are cheap. i put on record that i am very deeply disappointed.

I saw the trait long long ago. But had wanted to believe there would be a change. I really would like to believe that it would come and this situation is due to mismanagament of the past. Against my better judgement, I didnt say No absolutely. It isnt the loss that i minded. Material things never mattered to me. But it hurts, because for every young person, I really want to see them grow to responsible beings. I just hope kindness shown and sacrifice made, will somehow, somehow, somewhere in their lifetime awaken them....

I am very upset.

Yes, time is a test for alot of things....and remains a test for alot of things....

end of march 2013

this place of writing has always been special to me. Over the past years, it has been my companion in solitude....it just doesnt seem right that i seem to have deserted this companion...

sometimes, it is not that one cant find company. more often than not, it is having the company that listens, that one can be at ease. otherwise, i think, solitude is really far preferred to the waves of sounds and endless activities.

and i have not been writing. not because there is a stone that blocked the well of thoughts. its just....yes, sometimes, i am just too tired...pain wears one out....

Now that march is almost coming to an end, i looked back and felt perhaps i should leave a few words before the month close....
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Am taking on a short 5 week teaching assignment presently, which should end in april....whether it would be extended is unknown to myself.... i no longer see anyting as being too important....if i can contribute, i will.....but there is a time for everything....


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 hadnt been too good.....spinal issues among others.....have neglected some areas and am now paying for my negligence......over these past two months, have seen a myriad of medical personnel. And really, the question i would wish to ask many of them is, wherefore are thou in the medical field?

actually, i consult with 'medical professional' mainly to 'be responsible' and 'not to be stubborn'. At the end of the day, I am none the wiser/better. I also wonder how much of 'diagnosis' is an academic exercise and how much true care a doctor really have for the relief of one's discomfort and unwellness. Since my expectations are rarely high, so i wasnt too disappointed.

Thankfully, i have found more easement and relief in tcm approaches, and am indeed fortunate to come across a skilful and dedicated physician that do listen, that do address both the physical ailments and the frame of mind of the patient.

I am aware that with age, there will be an increase of discomfort, for some, more than others. It could be far worse, so I am thankful. And during the times, when the threshold is reached, one may see only dark clouds and pain does drain one's strength, I am grateful to be able to look beyond, and know the dark clouds will pass.


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i am a poor communicator in times like this. Seriously, what is there to say? And what is the point to say?  its boring to repeat the story whenever someone enquires.

And really for people who 'care' only when one is 'ill', is there any point? If one cant be a friend to you at all times, would they be a better 'friend' at such times? It would be better if they remain at the distance they have kept.

And for those who are true friends, illness or not, makes no difference. I am thankful to have a few of such true friends.

As at this moment, I am definitely much better than I was a month ago. Some things are chronic problems, and wont go away in a hurry.....one just got to grin and take it.

It take some getting use to though...

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More than at any other time, the grace and mercies of the Lord Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith,  comforts and strengthens the heart.

Countless blessings

yes, i am fully aware it has been a long time since i last posted.

in terms of events, given my present schedule, it should be relatively eventless.

it does not mean however that there is a dearth of reflections. In life's changing phases, and depending on the phase, a soulful person's flow of thoughts does not recede.

Flow of thoughts can flow into the stream of quietude....

there is also a time for everything, including when to write, what to write.
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As at this moment, i want to make it a point every night to count my blessings. I said to chris (my piano teacher) this morning, that its been ten years with her. And that has been one of my great blessings.

There were several factors why I started picking up music so late in my life. And very honestly, i didnt expect to persevere. That was why i only got a second hand clavinova to tinkle with at the start. It was Chris that is the key factor in helping me believe I can take music seriously and make progress. When I finally decided to take it seriously and go for exams, I got myself a grand upright, one of my prized possession. The first distinction i got from the grade 3 exam was really the result of her patience and continual belief in me. That I progress to grade 5, and have kept up with it till now, has alot to do with her.

Chris is a very unassuming lady. When i lose interest in playing, I will get her to play pieces for me, and seeing her play, and hearing the music will always motivate me to try to reach a higher level. Since mum's illness however, I really kept up music as a habit, and hardly practised. I think I would have stopped had it not been that i do enjoy the weekly lesson. She is very accommodating, and even when there are times, I could hardly a play a grade 2/3 piece, she remains positive. When I stopped for two intervals, she never queried. She took me back whenever i was more ready.

A few weeks ago, i really felt I was really getting nowhere, so i asked her if i can pick up Richard Clayderman's pieces. I know some die hard purist classical musicians may not consider his pieces for lessons. But Chris always let me choose what i want to pick up.

I will never be a fluent and good pianist. But it is really lovely to be able to play out a tune that one likes. I progressed and overcome difficult areas that i had thought was not surmountable. And as i overcome, I realised also it is not impossible for me to try to clear the next hurdle. So i said to her last week, register me for grade 6. I had picked up somewhat a piece for each category, but had said to her before, i wont take the exams. I changed my mind. I want to reach as much fluency as i can. She was very surprised, but always supportive.

Today, I said to her, its been ten years. And she said, yes, We are friends. And so we are. What a blessing

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I am glad I can play some nice music that i like for myself. What i love most about music is, it is wordless. The sounds carry your thoughts, your hopes, your disappointment, your sadness, your joy....the many inward flow that words will never suffice.....

.wordless....understood only by the player and the listener.

It is a blessing to me, that I am able to play music.

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 I just wrote this in an email to a more than 3-decade friend,

"And at the end of each day, I still feel I am so blessed to have so many people that i can thank, that if i will open my mouth and ask for help and support, they will assist."

That means I have received so much of goodness!

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blss boys came over for dinner on friday, 6 of them. This had been long overdue for the help that some of them had given me that had now given order to this place. I was not up to it to cook a full meal, only curry, but we had steamboat and i think, it was a good time for all.

I realised again, this is another of my blessing, I really enjoy the company of these kids, now 23, growing up to be men. From a once a year meet, to twice a year, we have now close the  gap to every quarterly. I am really gratified.

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The next gathering here, I hope, would be when gerlynn returns in march/april. I hope i get to see them....

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Another kid, R, had asked to drop by for a chat, so we met up yesterday for a good 3 hour conversation. I was really surprised that he could remember things that I had spoken some 4 years back. It brings alot of comfort. It was a thoughtful conversation, as R seeks for depth.

I realise also that one needs to be consistent to bear a testimony. When young, it is easy to have dreams and ideals, and momentary impulse.  As one weaves through life, our various deeds and words get woven into the garment that is seen more distinctly with the passing years....

Youth have energy that they assumed is what life is about. And graspng for what they want, and to 'enjoy' are often their definition of 'living'. Actually, your life is what you looked back and see the fruition/ the portrait that have been painted in the passage of time, the 'house' that you have built of your life......

I looked back with shame at my youth, and saw how i have squandered so much away....but am grateful also for all the conflicts and seeking that led me to the present transient stability.

in any way, where i can help any youth, it is a blessing to do so. Yes, and to be a teacher, and to be able to teach, is a great blessing....

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The fact that i can only think of blessings, and any negatives are really negligible, is really a solace. Its no longer counting blessings. It is really countless blessings.

I remember again Emily Dickinsons's poem

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.


I think, I can say, I have not live in vain. And that is a great blessing.