The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity;

but a wounded spirit, who can bear?

Pro 18:14

miscellaneous....

Just received news of the birth of a boy of a colleague. Wonderful!

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Met up with el and plee separately on wed and thurs. Spent practically 5-6 hours with each. Now I know there is a place call NEX that is very near to me by mrt! It is always lovely meeting them, and catching up. There arent many old friend left that i keep in touch. Tho, I have to admit it is always them checking when i can meet up. Those hours were well spent. Both have left teaching some time ago.

i look at them and am still pondering...

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i admit there are others that i should be seeing, but i have not. I feel bad, but i think i need time...

actually time past too fast for my liking. I have barely a week left, and already i am beginning to worry abt work. I feel guilty too easily. after all, i am on leave...

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i have completed that hk drama serial... and it has had alot of effect on me... a script is well written, when the writer is highly perceptive. It isnt the plot, which one can find fault if one intends to. It is the understanding of the complexities of life and character.

It is set in the background of pre jap occupation, then jap occupation, and the latter end spanned civil war, korean war, cultural revolution. sk didnt know abt the civil war nor the cultural revolution. Nor do I, but I have read 散文 on it. And it was painful for many.

These ages of darkness and turbulence were present in the world wars; in the period of religious persecutions; in the dark ages. And even present day terrorism, and repression. Do our kids learnt about all this in history or their own reading?

In such a turbulent era, there is a resignation for commoners, and non commoners. Which is worse, I dont know. Commoners have no power over life. Those with power can be trapped in it despite themselves.

Again all these seem remote in the present era, far removed. But actually it isnt. My mum was a child during the jap occupation. Migrants to singapore, poverty determined part of her fate, and in the convolution of events, her posterity. But we are commoners.

I am totally not a drama/film person at all. Most of the time, its about romance or feuds, or clapstick all of which is not to my palate. In fact when i told el and plee abt this drama, both were intrigued that i can actually be impressed by a show. Basically, i wouldnt have liked it. The setting was heavy and sad at the start. But I was drawn, and some parts replayed in my mind. I did ponder for long time. Why.

A few reasons. The warmth and comaraderie of a 'kampong' like spirt was well portrayed, a community that cared for one another despite turmoil; the development of events that led to the lead casts having a 生死之交 bond. What was remarkable was the extreme restraint in expression. Alot to say, but best left unsaid or words need not say poignancies. And the exchanges when there are, carries the weight of understanding, about baggages that one take on too much on oneself; and the consideration of what death is, and what is in one's mind when it comes. There was no wailing and futile weeping. But a quiet show of grief with dignity, when there was grief. Alot, alot of restraint.

In one scene, under much pressure, the one in turbulence asked the one from a simple background to tell her interesting stories to distract/humour her. It may sound trivial, but it isnt. I was taken aback, cos yes, it re-enacted some things in the past. I did that often many many years ago. I remember writing to someone saying, because you came from a simple background, hearing your narration of events in your life, that may seem so insignificant, it was so refreshing to me, to hear of normalcy, when all around me is far from it. The script writer is indeed very sensitive and perceptive.

Apart from the parallel of certain circumstances, of course the plot line of a drama can go to extremes. And again because the story is written by man that has control, it can be controlled to a happy ending, though it was after 30 years. Credible for china, who kept a close door policy until late 1970s. Alot, alot, alot of people suffered.

There was also a character, the sister of the lead cast who had a congenital heart problem and in the end died probably in her 20s? sk said quite sad. But I said, this girl is very lucky. She was loved by her mother, taken care and loved so much by her brother when her parents died, and married her childhood sweetheart. and so loved by everyone. She has a lovely life. I would rather die young and have such a brother. sk looked at me, and agreed. Actually the length of one's life is not the issue. Of course, people say, what a waste. I admit so would I. But is it a greater blessing to live long with pain?

One needs to be patient to see the development of the plot to understand the characters. In many ways, this is like literature analysis. Actually, i really believe everyone should do some literature. In a good literature class, you learn to live the character of the stories, and see things from different perspective. If you truly learnt, you wouldnt be too bigoted or opinionated. But of course, I meant good literature worth the study. Not trash.

I need to get out of this world, separate reel from real....

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it is ironic that i like/dislike long breaks. The pace of life is far too much when term starts, and one hardly has time to think and reflect. But in breaks, there is too much time. I live in a world of silence, punctuated by t & b company. I dont mind in a way. I am used to my own company. But without the routine of school, I will need to do much better than this....

june break...C4.....friends....

today is the first 'free' day as my module ended yesterday.....30% assessment completed.... one 70% assignment yet to start... i really need to be more prepared for my lessons...

hope i can get a decent 8 day break before term starts... had hoped to have a short day trip, but i guess it will not turn out... must tune out of school....

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C4 battery died on me yesterday. I couldnt believe it that the car couldnt start. I guess i shd be thankful that it was at home and not elsewhere. And it did not even hit 16 months! dc says it is a 'heng-sway' thing. Could happen anytime after 1 year. But i was not forewarned. It was my last session of the module, and there was a group assessment, so i had to leave the car till later. Wasnt sure what the problem could be then, and there was a possibility of it being towed. Cant say i was not ruffled. I was.

Managed to arrange for mechanic to come in afternoon to see the car. Was thankful that dc was around to help to see to things. Pressure of tyre was also super low, so had to drive to petrol kiosk to get it pumped, it was quite fun to learn how to....i never knew how to do it... actually i dont know very much abt cars...dc pointed out the things i should have seen to, and more or less remarked that the car was not well kept... it isnt... I have neglected many many things....

this incident reminded me of the many scraps i got into over the 2 years with volks...for a 3.5 year driving experience, i did run into quite a bit....

........... a punctured tyre, thrice breakdown, backscreen crashed by falling window and within 8 days, a car bashed into volk......

i was quite traumatised and ironically, calm. didnt want mum to know since i was not hurt....didnt tell sk as i didnt want her to worry and nag... when mum got to know later cos neighbour asked, I was nonchalant about it, so she did not know much.

the only good thing was, the other driver had the decency to take full responsibility, and did.... i heard how nasty things could have turned....

the front driver's door caved in, but it still could be driven. I forced myself to drive to school still the next day to do my duties though actually i got a few days mc as i was already spiralling down at that time... and i really didnt have the nerve to drive anymore... but i had no choice.

That was in march 2 years back at a time when things were at its brink, and tensions and conflicts were very high at work; and a very very low point. Support was not as it was now.....i only kept to 2-3 people. There was alot to handle, and i had to sent car to insurance claim first before workshop... i didnt know how i kept the front continually then, as i didnt want to be seen to cave in. I also felt all these things happened because I have come to the wrong school.

I tried to drive to the insurance claim place for them to take photo and examine car first, but by then, I couldnt face it. So I drove back to school. Desperate, I finally called ncl. I didnt know him well, but he knew alot abt cars, and there was an unspoken understanding. He saw my condition even without my saying much, and took over driving the car and guided me through all the necesary procedure. i rememberd when ncl saw the damaged volks, he said, if it was not a volks, u would have been in hospital. Continental cars are heavy and made of strong steel. That the door was so badly dented showed the force. I knew it could have been much worse.

volks was in workshop for 10 days. I was glad not to drive for that period. alot of things went wrong at that time, and i was quite shaken, but couldnt show....vl would see me to a cab after school for that period.... was really grateful to both of them then...

10 months later....volks ended, refused to move in the middle of the road.....just before the end of mum... and c4 coming in 2 days after....

behind c4's neglect is still the timing it came in... and since...some things just dont go away like that....

i really neglect c4. Not just c4. The many admin things i have neglected resulting with so many fines for many bills is really quite unbelievable. sk couldnt understand either. i just shrug it off.... People who had known me well from young, knew me for my efficiency in all admin matters. In the roles that I took on, I got to. There was no guide/training/material to read up if you are any sort of leader. You got to do it, You got to know what to do. And if you have to see to meeting all requirements of legislation in running an organisation, however small, you must be efficient. I took pride in punctiliousness and efficiency.

Now, procrastination is almost always the rule....i guess there is just no motivation and incentive.... by right, i should have done this or that... but i didnt... and in many things, still hadnt... most of the time, i get tired...i only do things that mattered to others... i know its dumb...its a learned habit that needs to be unlearned...

The practical help and advice given yesterday help give some push. i knew i need that......Really need to straighten alot of things. I know only when i myself have truly overcome, then am i in a position to help or advise others. I cant fall back on 'family'. actually from volks to c4, i never involved them. and i know i am right not to. Nephews are ok, but dont think they talk sense sometimes...

i hope to clear what is possible to clear these few days...

Remembering this period last year, it has been a long way. The path now is easier, the weight of the past less heavy, and there are less turbulence. In part, it is the warmth and kindness that have helped. As dc said, in this place, the people u meet are not just colleagues; they are friends. There is something about die-hard teachers. There is a simplicity and a genuineness. There is a difference. And a distinct one. And it warms the heart.

distraction...

i was an avid reader, i read countless books and some over and over again to delve into the character and life....and that as young as 9?10? I read every book i can find in the library... i actually read wuthering heights a few times at 11, and lived and feel the character... there was no abridged version then..., and i think i understood the character, heathcliff....

i was not too keen with tv....cant say i was ever impressed with local tv sequel because of the thin story line...but hk ones, yes... i get drawn....

but for many many reasons, i laid off both reading and watching tv, from undergraduate days? for 20+ years? Yes, even reading....

yet in many ways i dont have to read fiction or watch tv drama...... as i grew up in a drama filled backdrop... and there were far more 'real' than 'reel' life than i ever wanted.....


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as things slowly grind to a slower pace recently, i have took on to going to sk's place to spend an hour or so in the evening now and then, and inadvertently ended up following some serial... and somehow was really 'hooked' to this hk drama sequel.... and am really angry with myself for this indulgence...

i recently found out that it was an award winning serial, with a strong and meaningful story line...and strong casts.....so well, i have good taste?

but i have to admit it is partly because of identification with some underlying themes...this ld pointed out rather perceptively.....

i suppose for myself, i have always looked for a 'hero'/'heroine' to emulate, to lead. And i also know how important it is for the one who has to make the call, to have the support especially when times are rough. And it is tragic to follow the wrong one. Quite tragic. And when there are people you care for in the trap following the wrong 'leader'... whom you had given support, it is really a dilemna....

i guess these elements were all there in the drama serial; the uncertainties of life; the upheavals; the overarching consideration by one who leads; and the comfort of having someone in the rough pathway to protect and help.... i was quite stunned that in googling, there were actually blogs set up for the drama serial, and the lead casts... people really got into the drama, analysed the character, and lived with the character....

given the affluence and superficiality of life here, sometimes these shows depict reality better... in spore, what are the issues of life? Does anyone actually think?

not that watching drama is meaningful... and i feel stupid to be 'addicted' to it... but it does show how empty many people's lives are.

In this serial, there was a reunion of bond/friendship after 30 years of separation... i dont think i have 30 years to wait... and even if i have... will there be such an ending for me?

Through this, I realised i am still the dreamer, the idealist that i ever was... sometimes, i feel i hadnt grown up at all. I also know, deeper than that, are the many past issues that remained in the vault within. A heavy vault locked within.

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yesterday afternoon, i took a short nap, and dreamt of mum. This is not usual. I woke with that sinking feeling. But I should expect this. This downward turn happens usually during school break.

This also should be the last of the school break, since after the next semester, it is no longer a break, but a stretch.....and i know in my sub conscious mind, it is another tunnel...

Every sem, i have felt the pain of departure. Last sem, it was dc, and it was very hard to reconcile cos he was a rare educationist, with exceptional insights and values. He was one of the very few that had a mature perspective, but it took me a long time before I could commune at a level of depth with him. By then he was leaving, and left. I was very sad, and still is....


This sem, sy will be gone. sy was the first colleague i worked closely with, and we were always on the same page wrt students and teaching. He has his quirks, but his work is always beautifully done. And when i need support, he always knew. I am going to miss him and his comradeship at school. I guess alot of kiddos will too... he is a true teacher at heart.


ld has flown back to china. He has been a really dedicated teacher and student in the way he learnt teaching principles and values.....This sem has been very fruitful and our discussions have taken a higher level....end of the year is going to be even harder.... I will miss working with him.... and vl, who is every so patient and kind...


i am really not good at taking departures of any sort... it gets into a whirl with each recurring loss...but all these are thankfully 'positive' losses ie the enforced parting are with appreciation and comradeship...

Pain is always sharper when friendship is severed by differences/incomprehensibility....

i must however be glad that in life, more than most people, i should find so many people of such special value...especially at such a phase of my life.

i know the kiddos will also feel it as they leave the place that had been their haven for 6 years... i am glad to stay to see them graduate...then what? i am not planning... just do my duty now.


so the drama sequel merely presented the 'reeled' perspectives of the spectrum of life...which is more real? i dont know... but for now, it is a distraction to me from reality....

health...

this seems the time to pause....

my heart is heavy, knowing xx health check has not been good... alot of discipline and care need to be taken to keep things in check... this is the weak link... i have not seen xx with such discipline... it would call for tremendous will power...

For the past 6 months, i had worried over yy's health, but had to appear nonchalant. No one likes nagging, however well intended. Had to watch for opportune time to drop reminders now and then. Almost 6 months later, yy finally took medication, and the risk was mitigated. It was an awful load off my mind. i felt a sense of mission accomplished. i really want to see yy well, and i was very relieved when there was improvement. Even if i never see yy again, it was worthwhile.

both xx and yy mean alot to me, each in their own way. Both are highly intelligent, and both incredibly kind, in their own nonchalant way. Both are young, one much younger; both conditions were genetically related.

Acquaintance with yy was of a much shorter duration, though in that short duration, yy had helped me overcome inner obstacles unawares. Short acquaintance usually will not endure the test of time. Now that i know yy would be fine, I need not worry anymore. i am content. I guess, i dont expect any friendship to last. Why should I, when bonds over decades can be severed without a word?

xx has been very perceptive, considerate and goes to great length to care and help. i appreciate it very much. Really a wonderful person. So i was quite sad that the result had not turned out well. Positively, it is a blessing, so precautions can be taken. But i know xx struggle to reconcile with it. Yet the concern xx has was not to upset family members. There is something really lovely about xx, and i really really hope xx will have the determination and resilience to overcome and attain to better health. i feel sad...

from young, dad would always say, health is the most important. Although i was sickly, i was rather tough and has high threshold. I did have discipline which helped to be moderate. But I did take health for granted, and never took his words to heart.

when i saw those whom i value, not just xx and yy, but others also with other health concerns, it pains, especially because they are young. I wish they knew the Lord. There is alot in life that is beyond the control of man. In the hustle and bustle of life, man need to pause and to consider....

i really really hope they all will be well....i really really wish for them...

....I really really wish for xx, for yy, and for the many that showed such care to me, that the Lord's kindness and mercies be upon them. I really really wish for them the health that they would need in their lives ahead.