祈福楼

(I know I looked awfully tired in the photo, but the 6 looked good! And 祈福楼 is just in front of xitong)

i am not writing because there are alot of thoughts to write. I am writing to capture moments. Moments I want to remember.

today, the prc scholars i had taught in 2008, junyan, xitong, mao ye, yuanxi, shen dai, jiangran came to my place. They would be leaving for china next week, and after that, how things will fall out is anybody's guess. Some may go US, UK, Switzerland; a few may stay in Spore. When I will see them again, I dont know.

I always have a soft spot for students that came over to study. It is a young age to leave their family at 15 or 16, or even younger. When I was in charge of scholars in my other school, I would invite them over to my place for a meal. To me, that is hospitality. Mum agreed, and would cook for them.

So, i was glad to be able to invite them before each go their way. The girls cooked here (junyan was the expert cook), i added a couple of dishes. It was a good time, almost 7 hours. Shendai and Jiangran gave me a d-i-y 祈福楼 with a bell. Everyone signed on it. If you make a wish, and hit the bell 3 times with the 'gong' provided, your wish will come true somehow, Shendai said.

If I was to make a wish, I would wish we can have the same gathering together some years later, to know how each of them would be. I would wish they would all be well and happy.

They left just before 11. At the moment, when they left, I felt that pang, that 感慨。I didnt dare articulate farewell. It would be quite 伤感。 Didnt expect to feel that way. Actually, I always felt that pang when my students graduated batch by batch. But today's sense of poignancy was quite distinct, almost with that sense of 无奈. It is almost like a parent, seeing off their children abroad. They have to take flight to explore the unknowns, to secure their future. And it is for me to wish them well.

Maybe it is because unlike teaching in secondary schools, these are bigger kids. So the conversations were on a different platform.

Actually we had not been close the last 2 years. It was only the last 2 months that I caught up with a few of them because of reference letter. I was pleasantly surprise to realise they were still comfortable with me. The conversations over the past weeks were interesting, tracing their growth and understanding each better. And strangely, we converged on many points over issues, including what made a good teacher. Was glad in particular that they were appreciative of good teaching. Except they agreed they should have expressed it directly to the teacher directly, which they failed to, as in the case of dc, who really is an excellent teacher. sd said of all his math courses, he enjoyed ppv the most under dc. He should have said that to dc. Good teachers do not always get the encouragement that they need.

The dinner was meant really to be a gesture of hospitality. But it turned out to be a bonding, at least to me. Perhaps this is the end of a phase for me. For all I know, I may never see them again.

But, I am glad to have taught them, known them, and to have this gathering.

Wherever they go, whatever they be, I wish them well, very very well.

不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有。诚心地祝福你们。

This above all: to thine ownself be true

"The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same.
Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.”
~~Don Williams Jr~~


"I shall pass through this world but once.
Any good, therefore, that I can show to any human being, let me do it now.
Let me not defer nor neglect it,for I shall not pass this way again."

~~Stephen Grellet~~

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With this, I bid my colleagues adieu in a farewell email. These four long years have truly seen many twists and turns. Students, for all their variability, have been the constant factor.

Now that I had bid my kids farewell, this is the last lap, to say goodbye to the adults. Because I am all on my own with my two cats, the school has actually been my family. So it is much harder than people realise. Very hard. There are a couple of close buddies that I will miss very much. Its not going to be the same. I know. But it is better to have loved, and lost, than not to have love at all. I am glad to have been close buddies with them.

There is a price to everything. I had taken a long time to arrive at this decision. In the end, weighing all things, I had to pay the price. And seeing how things are ahead, I have this feeling, I will opt for seclusion in the end.

Ideals and simplicity are costly. Because these are not valued or regarded. But, I am what I am.

"This above all: to thine ownself be true" ~ Hamlet, W. Shakespeare~
Take a deep breath. It pains now. But it will be okay. Just let enough time pass....hopefully this tunnel is not as dark, or as long...

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its raining now... within, without...

Prom nite

This is the first time in my life I attended students' prom nite. I had flatly refused in my other school because to me, it doesnt make sense to have prom at secondary school. Then I never liked social occasions.

But I was comfortable with this occasion. Cant explain why. Its not a social thing somehow. Its just a gathering, to share with their completing an important milestone of their life.

I was just comfortable from the start to the end. One of the things i dislike about social occasions is having to make small talks. There was no need to. The teachers I sat with were all those who like the batch and shared the same sentiments with me, seeing them grew over the years. We enjoyed the photo montage, figuring out who is who, laughing with them over some silliness; enjoying their performances. Basically, nothing was contrived. That was nice.

I liked to see them dressed up, especially the boys. :) Over the last 2 days, I managed to fulfil my wish, of taking photos with all the 8 girls of 403, singly or in a group. As for the boys, 12 out of 15. Not bad. The girls are all so pretty. And the boys are growing up to be gentlemen. I really like this big family.

Today is the third day over 3 weeks that I am painkiller free. I was a little worried that attending the dinner may trigger off the headache again. But despite the noise and crowd, it didnt. I can only sum the evening with 2 "c"s : Comfortable and Contentment

Whether I get the photos or not, each of them are captured in my mind. The thought did cross my mind as I was driving back, that this is truly the end. They have truly graduated, and we wont take photos like that again. One can give way to sentimentalism, and the sense of poignancy; but no, we must move on. They have a stretch ahead of them. Some may worry; some may have reservations and anxiety over the unknown. But I am sure these lovely memories, this comradeship, this comaraderie will propel them forward. And I want to wish them well; very well. And give them moral support.

These kids have really made me very happpy. Thank You! :D

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It was particularly nice to catch up with fll and j ang at the dinner. There are some people you may not see for many years, yet there is this mutual bond, that we just picked up from where we left, and there is still that understanding and the same heart and mind. Really wonderful.

I like the way j settled in so comfortably in a neighbourhood school, and showed the same enthusiasm, optismism and care as I had seen him when he was a relatively young teacher at nush. He is a talent, and one that is truly compassionate and committed. Very heartening and encouraging. We need more of such people, who seek for the welfare of the next generation.

fll of course is, as always, in a class of her own, always humble, always inspiring, an exemplar in the teaching fraternity. A++ teacher. My role model.

I met both in my first year in nush, and really count it my privilege to have known them. Gratifying. Some day, we may work together again. And though that is highly unlikely, each of us, in our way, however small, each, wherever we are, are working for the same ideal. We may be at different schools, yet our objective is the same. No barriers. Its really a nice feeling.

I am content tonite. Very. Because it is so meaningful.

and the kids graduate...

actually 'graduate' should be reserved for uni degree course. But now we have little 'graduates' from kindergarten to big 'graduates' from uni....

so well the kids graduate.

i was happy to see them do so. some still have that 'kiddish' look. some have grown taller. some hadnt. quite a few can see better (urm... well they didnt need glasses anymore), many have grown prettier...and they are as happy as ever!

four years to me, six years to them. What a wonderful way of growing up together. I like the valec speech. The stress of friendship, comradeship, holding hands moving forward. Nice.

Was I sentimental? Actually no. I cant say there is that sense of 'pride' that they had achieved. It wasnt any of their attainments that I am proud of. I was just happy to see them 'grown up'. I really like to see them! :)

If I was 'emo', it was at the school song bit. I always liked nush school song. It is very meaningful. And it will probably be the last time I am singing it. I really wish....

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have seen and perceived alot more things these two days and am certain, decision has been right for myself. Its the kids that I have left behind that tugged at my heart. But that has been settled. Dont look back.

Now whats left? prom nite, reference letters, packing.... this is probably the hardest part....

and the first step to the less trodden path. I dont know where the path will lead. But I feel that sense of liberty. And simplicity.

No longer shackled to conjured grandoise, delusive glory, convoluted duplicity, lofty illusions.

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Returning back to simple in virtue, steadfast in duty. This is the foundation of my education.

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I hope the kids will value the foundation that had been laid, and built upon it, their aspirations, with diligence guided by a good conscience, and never allow covetousness, vain glory and pride to overtake them.

There is a saying, Problem that money can solve is not a problem. In principle, I agree. I come into the world with nothing. I will leave with nothing. Money never means much to me, except to provide for family, and not to be a burden to others.

But solving a problem with money in some situation, to keep 'harmony', is that the solution? Deep inside, I had perceived the root. But perception does not solve 'problems'. Whenever I perceived the root is in the intent of persons, to 'keep harmony', I will walk away from it. How do i, in this instance?

I am so thankful to have sk as my sister. She is non-thinking. And that is the lovely part of it all. Its not tiring to be with her because she is what she is. And she cares unconditionally. The bestest sister.

last day of term and other matters

Personally, I am thankful I remained compose through the day. I dont know if it is because the continual medication has made me numb. Or that I have been so exhausted that I didnt reach that level of sentiments. Or that I am so weather beaten, I got use to goodbyes.

I did not allow myself to think about today at all. I kept my mind focused on one thing: dont upset anyone. I made the decision, I must walk it. I had wanted to tell them alot more especially toward the last few lessons. But I didnt. There was so much to cover and complete. More important to revise for their exams. There should be time. But there wasnt. No time. No energy.

The kids mean more to me than they realise. I can picture and see every single one in my mind's eye. I didnt need photos for remembrance. Throughout the times in class, I captured the way they listened, the way they wrote, the way we interacted in my mind. That was the way I 'took' their photos. I have alot to tell each one of them. I want to tell them to remember their strengths and be positive. I want to tell them to know their weakness and strengthen them. i want to tell them, pick yourself up when you fall. I want to tell them dont hurt people. I want to tell them, work hard, push boundaries, excel. And when you have done so, serve with your heart, not just your mind. I want to tell them, remember those much less than you. I want to tell them about noblesse oblige.

But there wasnt time. I cheerfully bid them goodbye and continually assure them, I am within reach anytime. I also realised at that moment, there was no need for goodbye speech. Not only is it not really appropriate when so many things are going on in school. I realised I have been saying all this in different forms throughout the year. And I realised, it is not that speech of the moment. It is the consistency throughout. I have done that. And so many of them have grown. So, suddenly, I felt all that I want to say, I have said it over the year. Those that would learn, will learn.

The short notes they wrote were enough. The girls were sweet. I hugged them. And I didnt cry. Not outwardly. For those who did, I remember it. Its only that moment. Their sadness will pass. I will be there for them when they need. Actually, I wished I had spent alot more time talking to each of them.

But, I must let go now. They will be fine. They have alot. And they are good kids. At least I dont have to worry about their welfare. For they are in good hands.

I will really miss them. Thankfully, year 6 would be leaving. I am glad to be witnessing their convo.
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I always like to talk to parents, sharing with them their concerns; hearing about the lives of their kids. Many meaningful conversations.

Being exhausted helped. I hope I wont feel the impact later. I still have not gone through the packing etc. I have to take a deep breath and hang on still.===================================================

i note when each move on from stage to stage, frame of thought changes, as would be expected. But it is strange how people would assume that others would then follow along their change.

I know values need to be taught, but there are some things that should be natural, in the conscience? I believe it is important to look after your loved ones in life. In death, remembrance is constant in the heart. Any other external means of expression, if shown, is accordance to one's regard/belief. What is done in life is the crux. Did you do your part to them in life?

When people reached a certain phase, they know end is nearer, and some made preparations for how the end rites/remains would be arranged. To each their own belief. But why pressed for issues to make arrangements according to what they feel is best for others as well? In life, they did not really know what mum wanted. Why made arrangements for changes to suit themselves? And by changing what mum had explicitly expressed in her will? Who knows best what she had wanted?

I have procrastinated this last matter to attend to since March. I was troubled by 'well-meaning' suggestion and had not been able to be clear what to do. I just felt there was something not quite in order, but yet couldnt explain. At least to them. So I didnt do anything. I did say recently I will settle the matter next week.

Receiving the message today helped me come to a firm decision. Further 'suggestions'.The suggestion sounded logical and noble. But at whose expense? If one really remembers mum, the last one should do, is to suggest alterations. If one really cares to be noble and considerate, then pay the price. No one needs to know.

There is a price to everything. It is just whether one needs to say what is the price. And whether one paid it. And if you really care, nothing is too much to pay.

I had wanted to settle things quietly. Why bring up issues? And if I agree to meeting for discussion, where would it lead?More 'suggestions'? Why should there be a discussion when her wish had been explicitly stated in the will? Using consideration of paying respects to mum and using S1 not so fortuitous circumstance as appeal had made it very difficult. Especially religious matter being involved. But their final suggestion helped me. I replied firmly. I finally knew what to do.

Mum is gone. I will follow her instructions with no add-ons. There is no room for negotiation. I will settle everything next week. The matter is closed. So it will be. But it doesnt mean, I dont mind all these manoevres. I mind. Alot. It hurts. And coming at this time, is not a good time. But, at whatever time, it is not good.

Didnt tell sk. No need for another person to be disturb. sk and me have the same mind. That is my greatest consolation. The instructions were given to me only. Actually, I am proud of the fact that mum's judgement of me was right, despite all our conflicts. I was the 'son' she wanted. She did not place her hopes in her sons. She knew my mind will be clear.

I remembered one of her last words to me, dont cry, it will make your mind confused, and you need to think clearly. I had replied, I didnt cry. Dont worry. I will think clearly. And I still have. I did not fail her. I will follow all that she wished. I didnt and wont let her down. its the least and the only thing I can do.

Leopard does not change its spots. To the end, the same disposition is shown. Those that would learn, will learn. Those that wont, wont. I harbour hopes for the best for people i shouldnt... This is my weakness.

The path is very alone.

But I am used to it.

myriad of thoughts....

in some ways, today is the first easing-off day. By right it should have been yesterday. But the horrible pounding head made yesterday a total washout, and very unfruitful.

actually, i see and learn alot today. After invigilation, i got the opportunity to see some special learning programs and talk to a few people, and see things from different perspective. It added another dimension to me. I have always been conscious about the frog in the well analogy and had kept up with reading and thinking. But I realised sometimes seeing things first hand helps to broaden the scope. But most of all, its the enthusiasm of kids and of instructors that infuse the same kind of joy and excitement as I felt in classroom. Its such a joy to see kids learn, and through sound pedagogy.

someone wrote recently, there is no utopia in any place; but there is some utopia in every place. Alot of wisdom in these words.

On reflecting, these are my thoughts: Its not that when you see something works well, that can be translated or replicated. But one needs to appreciate what is positive. That five hours were really well spent. Still pondering the various viewpoints, particularly of one individual who is really an extraodinary math educator. Hope there may be yet opportunity for me to learn more from him.

I have to admit that which was quite inspiring was spoilt by that pop magazine from popular. Had gone there to get things that i promised kyc. Collected that in house magazine just on the way. When i got back and flipped through it, I was shocked to see the advertisements of so many tuition institutes. It took up 40 pages or more. And each purport to produce results backed by students testimony.

what kind of education landscape is this? If they are the reasons for students success (and i think some of their claims are true), then what is happening?

I suppose i should know. But in the past, there werent so many open advertisements. I thought when IP track was established, taking away one stage of exam, it would reduce reliance on tuition, and that would mean more focus on learning in school. But there were so many institutes that also came up with tuition for IP schools.

I am not against tuition. But it should only be a support for those who really need. Its the adviertisments tha troubled me. When such claims are made, what does it mean? Scoring 'A's is equivalent to education? I thought our society was moving towards higher values; to be more thinking. Whats this?

So I still live in my ideal dream. I remembered my teacher telling me, I was too idealistic, and will change when I grew up. Then when i grew up, my colleagues, my principal, my students said i was too idealistic. But cannot say I will change cos i still hadnt.

Its sad. But I wont change. At the height of 'hope', I did sometimes think there is a possibility of advocating for change.

But realistically, strength is ebbing. Actually i wanted to rest, but i have noticed some lapse is memory. I told myself, today is a meaningful day. I need to write, to keep record. Need to remember the positive. Am glad to have seen positive efforts by educators that care. What you cant change, dont bother. Keep ideals, and walk your own path.

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will slow down....and do a myriad of different things....thankfully, they are there....will abide by time to decide on the final course.

blss kids had kept in touch. Each of the boys are going thru their rough ride in their different ways. It is quite a consolation that they regarded me as a mentor, for assurance. Of course they are no longer kids, should be 22 by now. It reminded me of the meaningfulness of that stint . That was 6 years back. My energy level is really not the same. It wont be so easy when i undertake the adjunct teaching in a similar sch environment as blss. Though it is not a long term commitment, I should want to see the kids thru their O levels. Its not without worry, but whenever i hear from blss kids, it is a motivation to walk ahead. This is my service learning. And I hope it will bear some fruit.

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ls sister is critical. Last stage ca. And she is young. Who knows the number of one's days? its when one sees the reality of life, and the inevitableness thereof, one learns, see things in perspective and in proportion. Yes, we are all insignificant. Who remembers who has been, when who no longer be?

Am still a pelican in the wilderness....and no sparrow is watching.

The Lord alone is true. His mercies endureth forever.

Completed

Yes, i managed to complete the literature review, and submitted on the dot online 5pm, but the hard copy was 45 minutes late into her pigeon hole.

too tired and dazed to write further.

This is to keep record: yes, i completed the final work to round off the semester of 4 modules. I am so thankful to make it! And most of all, to have really learnt from it.

Was surprised to get an email feedback for one of my module assignment. I sometimes think, one learns more, by realising what one lacked, than that one has fulfilled all the criteria to perfection. I am grateful for her perceptive remarks. That had enhanced my learning.

And for those kind souls that are concern, thanks! :)

thoughts on friends...

yes, one module down...and one more essay to go. exam was much better than expected. Its just i hadnt done as well as i should for the essay etc. Well, at least i hope i should be able to avert a grade that sounded like my name.

probably i had been nostalgic, but in particular today, i thought of friends. first of all, i am very grateful to the coursemate who by sharing, had encouraged me to study. I am not a person that can do things for myself, or to prove myself for the sake of it. I dont see the point. Thats why i never go far in achievement, not that i have that much ability.

But i respond to kindness. And like everyone else, encouragement. To have a friend, you must first be a friend. It works both ways. This past week was really hard, and I was really giving up, especially cos of the prolong nagging head.

I realised how different it is to run a race when someone pace you. Actually running is a lonely sport, but it is the only sport i liked. Not that i run anymore. Not that I even take a walk anymore.
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continuing with thoughts of friends....

things have been very different since dc and sy left. But there is one that has been such a faithful, loyal companion, and a marvellous help and support ~ ld. I am really going to miss the times we do so many things together, and talk about so many things in teaching. He is so keen to learn, so attentive to listen, and will imbibe so many teaching points. Honestly I am amazed that he remained so alert, so enquiring. I thought he should get bored by now, or feel he knows it all, but he isnt. Most of all, he is very very considerate, and in subtle ways.

A bond sealed by common principles and values is that that would last. I am fully aware that he feel very sad for the impending change. I told him, he will remain my friend for life. He has really been most special. The pang and sadness felt is inevitable. I suddenly thought, must take a photo with him. I hate photos, but this is special. Actually, i 'adopted' him after we knew that I started teaching the year he was born.

To this special BIG kid, this wonderful large hearted kind soul, my SUPER best friend ~ my heartfelt thanks.

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there is one or two that i blocked out. I remembered sy telling me, you wont be hurt if you dont care, and dont regard the person as a friend. It was hard, but i learnt. alot come back to me at this time. but I will block them out.

the atm i use always display a quote. Today the quote displayed was by Abraham Lincoln

"Nearly all man can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."

I thought how true.

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and he sent some more notes!

seriously what a very nice chap!!!

He contributed the answers to every question he had shared, and sent it to both of us for feedback! I am too whacked to do anything now, but seeing this email gives me impetus to give him feedback as well (after I have slept!) as try harder for the exam later today (its now thursday, alas, and no i had other things to complete, so didnt get down to study. sigh!).

u can come across many not nice people, but one very nice one more than make up for it! :)

kids are the most innocent. they are the ones that will ask directly, how do you know?

honestly, i cant explain how i know. but i know. i just sensed it.

i remembered one student wrote very very long ago, how it intrigued them that i always seem to know what was happening, what they were thinking.

apart from it being an innate perception, that is inexplicable, long years of being in peculiar situations, and that from young, sharpened insights. It is bemusing to see the way people masked their intent in various forms.

altho actually not so amusing if they were people that you had helped. Sad. Quite sad. But that was not unexpected either. One had hoped for changes, for better things. Kindness does not always beget kindness. Much less respect.

there are few, very very few that truly seek for the good of others. Is that new?

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Define values.

At best, one can only impart what one has. whatever one has. At best.
Silence is indeed golden.

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Only 2 other of my coursemates are doing the course part-time, like me, and struggling to cope.

One of them emailed this morning, sharing reference that would be of help to forthcoming exam tomorrow. He is the one that is doing well and best among the 3 of us. He felt all the more he should help us, though he is also buried under work.

its always very refreshing to see humanity and receive unsolicited kindness.

think of the things that are pure, that are lovely, that are of good report....

that was a silver lining.

is that bad?? is that good??

actually i really have no time to do anything considering i have done NOTHING to revise for my exam 45 hours 45 min from now, and am now going down with flu symptoms.....but since the head is not working, might as well zzzzzzz for awhile.

and the whole day was spent clearing one thing or the other.... and brownee threw up all the food in her guts + diarrhoea at 1+am, so that wasnt much of a nite either...

and i have finally decided (2 hours ago) that i cannot proceed with the topic of my essay, and will change direction altogether (which i am not sure how my lecturer is going to take it, since she has attempted to 'force' me to do something last week, and i am going to abandon it!!!) and no, i have not found the direction yet.... actually, this assignment is the preliminary to the research part, and i really dont want to do something just for the sake of it....so hmmm....its going to be a kind of deadlock at the moment...i have up to 14 nov 5pm to hand in, or fail the module.... o well....
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but the main reason why i am writing is becos i want to say this.... it is strange how that bond with 403 kids remain the same... it was really nice to see them in canteen this morning, and so many of them....and they are always so happy, even when they lament of their lack of good results.... i wonder if i should have been harsher with them, and nag them to work really hard....

as gyl said, "i am not ambitious', it seems like most of them are not. Is that bad? i dunno. I dont want them to be underachievers, yet, again because of the way they are, they are always happy. Is that good? I dunno. Some people are never happy. But these kids are, and seeing them always make me happy.

the thing about being in school, is, nothing is really planned. u come down for breakfast, and then suddenly one appeared, then so many appeared, and that makes it rather spontaneous. and i realised i have only one more school week left....

still, they made me happy today....jus by being who they are. I really should have pushed them harder....sigh o well...maybe thats why we 'click' :)

leadership....

if one read the dire financial crisis of Greece, one wonders about her leaders....

"The Greek people, meanwhile, battered by two years of stringent austerity measures that have crippled the economy and sent unemployment soaring, appear to have had more than enough of their squabbling leaders."The people are suffering at the moment and they (politicians) are not budging," said Marianna, a shopkeeper."

Channelnewsasia Published: 7 Nov 2011
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If one reads about the floods in Thailand, particularly Bangkok, seriously we should be thankful that being such a tiny island, we have been mercifully protected by factors of nature, as well as prudent planning amidst urbanisation. Give credit where credit is due.

"It may sound like a drastic scenario, but there is little doubt that Bangkok will have to act if it wants to avoid the fate of the fabled sunken city of Atlantis."

Channelnewsasia Published: 7 Nov 2011

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And it behoves leaders and all not to take their respective roles for granted; assuming they will be blessed; assuming that they know it all; assuming things would never happen to them.

Sternberg's illustration of the fallacies of failed leaders should really be taken to heart, by all, leaders or not.

...thinking about thinking...

My essay topic will be about thinking; thats my choice. ok, what about thinking? How do you define, distinguish between critical thinking, creative thinking, higher order thinking, problem solving? Are they the same? Ok think about it.

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I read this article twice, and both times, the same passage struck me. I quote:

" Wisdom is the use of one's knowledge and skills for a common good, by balancing one's own with other people's and larger interests, over the long as well as short terms, through the infusion of positive ethical values. Wise people make an effort to understand other people's points of view and to take those points of view into account in their thinking (Sternberg, 2003).

When one observes failed leaders, one rarely find that they failed because they were stupid. More often, they fail because they are uncreative. But even more often, they fail because they are smart but unwise; in other words, they are foolish.

Failed leaders tend to show a cluster of fallacies in thinking. These fallacies include
(a) unrealistic optimism - the belief that just because they have an idea, it must be a good idea that will succeed on implementation;

(b) egocentrism - the belief that the world revolves round them;

(c) false omniscience - the belief that they know it all;

(d) false omnipotence - the illusion that they are all powerful;

(e) false invulnerability - the belief that they, like Superman cannot be harmed (except, perhaps, by the elusive kryptonite bullet); and

(f) ethical disengagement- the belief that ethics are important for other people but not for themselves.

excerpt from "From Intelligence to Leadership: A Brief Intellectual Autobiography" Robert J. Sternberg, Gifted Child Quarterly 2011, 55, 309-312

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My thoughts to the above:

(a) amazing that the characteristics should be so universal.
(b) would any of such leaders know/believe they are 'failed'?
(c) for those who would be leaders, do take note that these observations are real. If you really aspire to be a leader, you would need to consider the antithesis of the above of what would make a wise and good leader. And live them. Not study as a theory.
(d) and if you dont have what it takes, dont be a leader, and cause misery to others.

Like it or not, leadership and intelligence (not the lack of it) are closely correlated. The above is couched in a rather polite theory of fallacies. If one wants to be blunt, one can reduce each of the above belief to adjectival characteristics. I am tempted to turn the above into a 'calling a spade a spade' vocabulary exercise just for entertainment.

But I digress...i have to get my essay out......

where do i go from here?

November entered rather unceremoniously. For the past weeks, the focus is only on meeting one deadline after another, and not thinking beyond the immediate 24 hours. My only consolation is, in that space, i did not neglect people.

Just read the quote:

"Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people." ~ Albert Einstein

But it wasnt easy, and my temper was frayed. Sometimes I do wish I dont have that special insight that made me see through alot of things. And people. But I should look beyond....look at nobler goals. Whatever others are, one has to be true to oneself, and above all, to one's conscience.

To say, It hasnt been easy, is really an understatement. I actually said to my coursemate a few days ago, I think I am going to cry. She looked at me, quite bewildered cos I was still smiling. I told her, dont worry, I am joking. I can manage.

But actually, I really was going to cry. I would, if i allow myself to. But i didnt. There was so much to do, and I had to meet up with them for the group discussion for the presentation the next day. ( I realise group projects really require alot of responsibility and consideration to others which not all may have.) Thankfully, by then, the kids exam was just over. But my head was pounding furiously. I should have anticipated it, but I didnt. By the time I took painkiller, it was full blown. Ended up with pain through the night, 2 days mc... and plenty more painkillers...with forewarning of possible implications.... o well, not that anyone can do anything with the fragility of life....

At least i got the work that needed to be done, done, without hampering any party. And i didnt cry. maybe it would help if i did. I sometimes dont know how to show that I am feeling awful, when I really am feeling awful. The funny thing is, I have to say it before anyone knows, and even then, people kind of dont believe. Because I guess I come across as 'strong'? Forceful? Its true that i can block out emotions, and be very task oriented. Thats how i cleared one hurdle after another these past weeks. Is there a choice? Is there any point moaning about it, if it got to be done?

I know one thing, no matter how awful, I never want to neglect anyone in any way,....i really worry abt ky and ls... actually i dont know how to help anymore if things come to a crux for them.....

And at this moment, i guess its going to be my own work that will suffer... have cleared school work for now....ahead is an exam that I am far from being prepared, and an essay that i dont know how to start.... and after that, at least 20 reference letters.... I want to write them, because these are my kids....

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I guess the truth is, no matter how I try to block out, its going to be the time to pack and leave. Yes, its true that I initiated it. I will not say why. And yes, I am very sad. But, I still know its right. For me.

Would I come back? It depends on where i go from here....It depends on alot of things, includng the opportunity to....I must not lose sight of my goal.... everywhere one goes, one can do good.

at the moment, i feel lost and sad. Very. I will be nomadic for awhile....until i know where my root will be... And it will also depend on how much energy is left....

I should also spend more time for myself, taking walks, exercising, baking.... i havent done any of these since mum left. I guess i have been escaping from myself in packing up my time so tightly....its time to face myself....and a much weaker, older self.

I really must face up with myself......and find my direction, my sense of purpose...for this remaining brief sojourn left.

However down, one must learn to encourage oneself, and find inner strength. That is what is needed in adversity. I hope my kids will realise that. And if you can, believe in God.

"Truly, my soul waiteth upon God: from him cometh my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defence; I shall not be greatly moved" Psalm 62:1-2