A month into 2011...

Stepped into the year somewhat unprepared... but it was a pleasant crossover. One that will remain special.



Alot of changes within this month; at school, 'part-time' schedule; a new place of abode, and setting it up from scratch for T&B and me; nie masters course; end of rv, at least of one of them today hopefully. Apart from a few bad patches and hiccups, actually, most changes are positive.



It is definitely a better place. I actually look forward to coming back! Being near to sk helps alot in that I know she is nearby. I dont join them most of the time. In fact, I only had dinner twice with them. Except for a few occasion with company, I wander around on my own. Abit lonely, but still pleasant.

However there is still alot of admin things not seen to, alot of errands to run. I have run out of energy and by today, I had to stop. Bronchial cough was getting bad, and I know the signs of getting bronchitis are all there. Cant afford to get very sick! Came back and rested, and as far as possible do nothing. And it was still pleasant.

Read post this time last year. Painful. very.

One month into 2011. I am more ready to walk out of the past, and move forward. It could and would have taken a much longer time had it not been for the support and friendship of many nice and lovely persons. I am truly grateful.

Thank you, friends.

First Anniversary (Lunar Date)

To me and sk, it is 8 Feb. But its true mum always used the lunar calendar. Today is the first anniversary by the lunar date.



I had intended to go with sk on 8 Feb. But finally agreed to go with them today. sk didnt get leave to go. Was thankful that i managed to get stalks of flowers (artificial) for her. Mum loved floral arrangement. Those I chose was red cherry blossoms, delicate and pretty.



Personally i dont need to visit the graveyard to remember her. I realised however that this is an outlet to ease the feeling of pain for the one that is gone. S1, B1 and B2 all went to much trouble to buy her favourite food. B1 actually got her tiger beer. S1 cooked and boiled soup. Its ironic because S1 never cooked for her in her lifetime, and B1 never bought her anything much as far as I can remember. At least B2 took her out now and then.

I went more for 'unity'. I realised sk was right when she said actually all of them are more in touch with me, than her. Sufficient time has passed for things to settle within myself.

There must be closure. Its their way of making up. It wasnt easy for anyone in the turbulence of the past. I have a choice. I decided to make for peace.

They 'talked' to her. I stood by quietly. But I knew it mattered to them that I had gone along with them.

Mum is gone. There must be closure. I must let go of the past. I think that is what she would want.

Yes, I have moved....

The move took place as scheduled on 14 jan late afternoon. But it rained heavily, so there was delay...

No, i didnt cry. Too focused to feel anything. To the end, i am task-oriented.

Finally, the last phase, I packed T&B into my car, and got sk to come along to pacify them.

Yes, they have settled in. All the preparation and thought for their safety and adjustment was really worthwhile. Though it took them a few days to adjust, they have gotten use to their new home. And that was a real consolation. It mattered alot to me that they should not be unhappy. I think they rather like going up and down the stairs! :D

I have passed 10 nights here. I slept well because I was very tired every nite. Average time of sleeping range from 1 -3 am. By now, 70% has been unpacked, and there is an order of sorts. Yesterday nite was the first nite I finally have a working table, and wanted to update here. But had no access to internet, or rather lost access, so what was written was all lost.

Yes, I feel comfortable in this place. I cant say it is home. Home is where love is. Where family is. I cant say I have a family. Somehow, somehow, it is alone again naturally. But it is a comfortable abode. Big, but simple. I am contented to just live in, read, write, knit, tend to plants...enclosed in my own world. The space remove claustrophobia.

I am grateful to Mr Soon, and sj, my part-timer for the trouble taken to try to get things as right as possible for me. sj was surprisingly encouraging and relieved for me. Actually conditions at rv was quite bad, and the characters around are no longer savoury. She was uncomfortable, and I dont blame her. You know it when someone is genuinely concern. She was. This present place is also old, 28 years, and in need of repairs. I had done minimum renovations. But she and Mr Soon did alot to help to bring it to the best possible.

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The story over at rv has not ended just yet. I wish it has.

sk and i drove down on sat to collect some things from mum's place. It was hard. We had to keep saying to each other, let go, let go. Mum loved to buy things, and she has good taste. But it was costly to upkeep expenses especially when teaching pay was really very very low then. I worried continually about finances for a long period of time. Now looking at these items, some really nice, really, its best to let go.

There was a bag of photographs... sk said let go. We let that go. Photographs of our childhood and the years of growth. It is too painful. If our lives were as those of ordinary folks, yes, these memories can be cherished. But, there were so few, for me, hardly any, memories of sweetness or happiness. Let go. Must let go.

I entered into the world of adults almost from a child. I saw, I listened, I didnt understand, then i understood. Despite it all, I construct in my mind an ideal world of love, care and hope. And especially in teaching. I cant give up my ideals. I dont know how and I dont want to. What I dont have, I want others to have.

Everything to do with this place, I have got to let go.

Not only me. I realised each of us, S1, B1, B2, sk... all of us found it very painful. B1 told sk he cant take it anymore packing things at mum's place. S1 lamented just now, she lived there since 11, and it is very sad for her.

How many understand what is it to leave a place that has been a roof over others for more than 50 years? And it was the haven for her and B1, and B2...

For me, it is a lifetime...

Within my soul, the pain and sorrow reverberated on and on....

And i am still the one who has to finish up the task of clearing everything in her place, of seeing to the handing over of the property, and then help tch complete the execution of the will. The end is still not over for me. I still have to see it one more time.

I wish, I really wish there is someone that can take over this from me. I envy those who have such dependable brothers. Really really envy them.

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And for my own rv unit, the chapters are buried with it. I have done my duty and beyond.

This long chapter is over. Should have been long over.

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What lies ahead, I do not know. I only know, I must push on, and must keep positive, and move on. The start of NIE helped give me some direction and focus....

I dont know why mum's passing left so much pain and poignancy. Her tempestous life, her personality, and somehow her child-like ness in a way made one feel very protective about her though she is an extremely strong spirited person. Somehow you just feel you had not done enough for her.

I could have been very much like her. But observing her a life-time, I compelled myself to be independent. I dont want to be a burden to anyone.

When I complete this earthly pilgrimage, i do not want the living to feel sad for me. I want them to feel I have lived my life with usefulness, and have made a difference to some, however few. And that I am happy to go the way of all the earth, and be at peace and at rest. Once I clear all this mess, and put my affairs in order, seriously, I would be happy to sleep, and be with the Lord.

And I want those who care and love me to know that, so that they would also be happy for me when I am no longer here. Dont grieve for me. I dont want that. It is too painful to the living. And I know if I live meaningfully, it will encourage and help others to do the same with the life and breath they have.
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One phase ( a very long phase) is ending, and another phase is at the threshold. Having reached this far, I owe it to the grace and mercies of God that I am kept and preserved in mind and soul.

And especially over these last 2-3 months, I am grateful for genuine friends that have shown concern and and supported me in many ways knowingly/unknowingly. In acknowledgement, I owe much to

Mr soon, who in his rough and gruff ways understood that I cant take it to see to things at rv;

plee, ws, ld, vl, dc for being there as friends would, each helping in their own way, giving much of their time; My heartfelt appreciation.

and the constant assurance of care and warmth from kyc, sfl, ncl, chris tay, sy.

I know I am very fortunate to have so many genuine friends. One such friend is hard to find in life. To find so many sincere people, and many from nush, I truly am blessed.

Thank you very much.

Final stage of Packing

due to unforseen factors, the move did not take place as hoped last week. Hence I had procrastinated the last lap of packing....my table and my drawers, and my wardrobe.

There were very sad moments like when I saw a nice shirt I had bought last year and shown it to mum, when she was hospitalised at mt e. I told her that i would wear it for cny. She was always happy when i buy things nice to wear. And I did that to make her happy.

But i never got to wear it....she did not cross cny ...

since then it was tucked in a drawer. Cant describe that momentary heart breaking seconds. It was painful

Stepped into mums place this afternoon, and looked at every room... capturing my childhood...teenage...young adulthood... her place will be sold end jan... we will never be able to step in again...

mum loved cooking and had lots of cooking stuff... realised i should not just leave them behind to be dumped....

Good old Mr Soon has been fantastic... he has scolded me for quite a few things wrt the new place... but he will always stand by to help me. He will be packing the things in mum's place for me. He understood i couldnt do it. Mr Soon is extremely intelligent and the solutions he find to seemingly difficult problems is quite amazing. He remains unspoilt because he had no education. Yet he is really more 'educated' than most people.

Going through the cards and letters in the last few drawers is also poignant. I tore most away. No point. I must move forward.

This time next week, I should be at dakota. i do feel stronger and more ready to face things, many thanks to those that had kept me company and hence diffused the intensity of the emotions in this moving...

Looking ahead, moving forward, walking out of an abode of a lifetime soon... i hope i wont cry when i actually moved out....

tiger and brownee have also been quite stressed. Tiger has been sleep with me the last few nites which is very unusual. I hope they can adapt and will be happy in their new home. 5 days more...

Random post

Quote of the Day African Proverbs
"The way a donkey expresses gratitude is by giving someone a bunch of kicks."

One of my subscribed daily quote post. I like this.

So if I am given a bunch of kicks, I know it is because the giver is showing his/her gratitude. That helps alot to take the kicks.

And it helps most that I then know, the giver is a donkey.

I like this proverb. :D

Possession, Simplicity, Freedom, Contentment

I had very little in every sense of the word from young till maybe 6-7 years ago. Though I had my present flat then, it was very simply furnished. Utilitarian. I dont buy anything for myself. Including books I like. I feel bad. If I really like anything very much, I will try to persuade someone to buy it as a present for me. Very rare. Usually, it is my sister. 2-3 times from close friends. The items, books, cat mug, watch, handphone.

Why? I dont know. It is like being extravagant. As long as i buy for someone else, its ok. It is definitely not becos of economy, though I always consider opportunity cost for needs.

I then picked up hobbies to keep myself more occupied, and then began to buy alot of books I liked; many plants, knitting and baking stuff, a good upright piano; and gradually my car. I have little material possessions besides these. I have never connected possession with happiness. I was one of those really blessed with simplicity.

Because my present place is really quite poorly furnished, I did not realise so much needs to go in to do up a place. I have to admit, I keep asking myself, what for? Its only me and T and B.

Thankfully, with Plee and ws's urgings, I have got a little further, tho it is still that 3 items I have got 2 weeks ago. But now, I am more aware of themes, the things that go into making a decision to decide on choice of colour etc. Now, I am more interested, once focused, to try to have coherence.

To be honest, I did keep my kiddos in mind from time to time, thinking what they would do if they were here. But seeing i got so little time, and ran into so many glitches, it would be minimal done. Basically i didnt renovate, except grilles for T and B, toilet facilities. So the new place is more or less in its original state. I did see today many things would need to be changed. But they can wait.

I need to move. I have no choice. I saw a showroom display yesterday, and realise so much can be done to make a place look really beautiful. I was tempted. Thankfully, I am also one of those that will never make an instant decision to buy something expensive immediately. There is a story behind it, from a home incident when I was 11.

No matter how much I like, I will refrain. If after the next few days, I still feel the same, and expend, I have thought through the cost, the worth, and the opportunity cost. Decision may stil not be good, but there is a thinking frame.

I bear in mind now the theme I have chosen, some thing that I have loved from youth, and will work round it. I dont need showroom impeccablility, beautiful and immaculate they appear. A simple expression, with some elegance will suffice for me.

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Given the way parents bring kids up, and give them so much, partly because they can easily afford also, i think very very very few kids will know how to take simple joy in non-possession.

I admit as a person, I am rarely happy. The moments of happiness in my life, that I can count as bliss are few....

One of them, is picking up shells.... the joy of seeing the vast variety of shells at a beach in Penang, when it was very much less filled with tourists. I collected shells for many years....

A few of the happy moments are in classrooms, and seeing kids grow up and graduate... today, I remembered this batch is graduating this year.... i want to see them graduate...

And unspoilt companionship that one can be oneself.... very very rare, just relishing simple things....in my life, i found only 2... I am content.

i can live with very little... i have much more material things now compared to the days of poverty... but i know my soul is freed from them.

And the simple joys are still as always, things to do with cats; cards; yes, terry k bear and my little friends in my car and at my desk: i talk to them, i am afraid; looking at a plant flower, the sprouting of a leaf;

Simplicity.

Material possessions is truly a weight. And the more you have, the less you are contented. And thankfully, I hardly envy. Material loss never matters much to me. Losses of the heart take forever...

Whilst I now seem to have opportunity to have much more material posessions, i am not bound in any way to them.

I have freedom of spirit from materialism, glory, conventions, ambitions; and i have contentment.

I think these together with simplcity are gifts that not many possess.I have been blessed to have them.

2011

First time stepping into a year without mum....

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it was a distraction to be at rc's place for countdown. honestly for more than one reason, didnt want to go. ws urged not to be alone. and didnt want to keep declining rc.

So, it was less painful to pass through from 2010 to 2011.

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What is ahead for 2011?

2010 ended with many endings.....the last 6 weeks added a bewildering dimension that ended as strangely as it begun. Really strange and bewildering. I cant understand myself either.

in a way, thankfully, the phase has to end. Move on, ssh.

2011 opens with a beginning at dakota soon. I know the largeness of the place is going to accentuate the alone-ness. Whatever, ssh must move forward.

2011 should mark a turning point. I had hoped to hold on to what i love, and also pursue my education dream... i admit i have to keep fighting off thoughts within myself, why pursue? And discouragements from many quarters....

Before i start, i thought to withdraw... but ssh must move forward...

if i cant do it, i cant do it. At least i know.

i note i have been negative and unhappy in the area that i love most... I dislike a negative, unhappy frame, and worse in myself. I really hate to see that within.

Negative energy is never constructive. I advocate positiveness, and believe it is hope and a higher vision that motivates. Not a heavy weight of duty and frustration because of factors not in ones contol. If a situation perpetuates negative frame, one should not be trapped.

i procrastinated the final decision because of warmth, comradeship, friendship. It is painful to have too many severance at one time. Very.

2011 should be the year... to end a phase, and begin another....
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What is the another is another issue... i havent found my direction yet. In some ways, I was more purposeful this time last year. I guess I had mum to live for.

I also realised that truly time and tide wait for no man. My life has stagnated for a long length of time. And the years lost is lost.

But ssh must move on...
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With everything converging to a crux, i just keep my mind blank.

One step at a time.....ssh, move on.

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2011: The kids will also be moving on soon.....

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2010: Tough year for alot of people close/fairly close to me. Almost everyone went through a crisis. And I did not get any rest that I sorely need. It was only over the past few weeks that I realised how close i was to crashing.

To the few that had stood by knowingly, unknowingly, I am grateful.

I have no confidence in friendship and bonds anymore. Grateful when it is here. But dont expect and dont hope.
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What is my resolution for 2011?

At the moment: Hibernate. Return to reclusion and seclusion. Return to simplicity.