2011

First time stepping into a year without mum....

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it was a distraction to be at rc's place for countdown. honestly for more than one reason, didnt want to go. ws urged not to be alone. and didnt want to keep declining rc.

So, it was less painful to pass through from 2010 to 2011.

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What is ahead for 2011?

2010 ended with many endings.....the last 6 weeks added a bewildering dimension that ended as strangely as it begun. Really strange and bewildering. I cant understand myself either.

in a way, thankfully, the phase has to end. Move on, ssh.

2011 opens with a beginning at dakota soon. I know the largeness of the place is going to accentuate the alone-ness. Whatever, ssh must move forward.

2011 should mark a turning point. I had hoped to hold on to what i love, and also pursue my education dream... i admit i have to keep fighting off thoughts within myself, why pursue? And discouragements from many quarters....

Before i start, i thought to withdraw... but ssh must move forward...

if i cant do it, i cant do it. At least i know.

i note i have been negative and unhappy in the area that i love most... I dislike a negative, unhappy frame, and worse in myself. I really hate to see that within.

Negative energy is never constructive. I advocate positiveness, and believe it is hope and a higher vision that motivates. Not a heavy weight of duty and frustration because of factors not in ones contol. If a situation perpetuates negative frame, one should not be trapped.

i procrastinated the final decision because of warmth, comradeship, friendship. It is painful to have too many severance at one time. Very.

2011 should be the year... to end a phase, and begin another....
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What is the another is another issue... i havent found my direction yet. In some ways, I was more purposeful this time last year. I guess I had mum to live for.

I also realised that truly time and tide wait for no man. My life has stagnated for a long length of time. And the years lost is lost.

But ssh must move on...
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With everything converging to a crux, i just keep my mind blank.

One step at a time.....ssh, move on.

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2011: The kids will also be moving on soon.....

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2010: Tough year for alot of people close/fairly close to me. Almost everyone went through a crisis. And I did not get any rest that I sorely need. It was only over the past few weeks that I realised how close i was to crashing.

To the few that had stood by knowingly, unknowingly, I am grateful.

I have no confidence in friendship and bonds anymore. Grateful when it is here. But dont expect and dont hope.
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What is my resolution for 2011?

At the moment: Hibernate. Return to reclusion and seclusion. Return to simplicity.