Pensive Reflections

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love." Sophocles

Had felt very trapped within myself this past week. I can only say past and present inter-mingled and I couldnt seem to distangle the invisible strings... and with that... resistance went down... and hadnt been well over these weeks

as it is, i knew what is ahead is a huge maze... positively, i am moving on.... actually, except for definite plans, i have no direction...

i am very very sorry for the hurt ky got into; she has been a quiet support to me, so seeing her in such sadness pains. But i know time is the healing factor, and keeping cheerful for her, which is terribly difficult. at least i managed to take her and her mum to botanics and lunch yesterday.

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I had written in one post

"life is full of contradictions, and rationalisation and feelings just dont meet" and so it doesnt. When I wrote that, it was as a quiet bystander, observing many, many things.

It is easy to write as an observer. I rarely allow myself to get into such contradictions except things of a lifetime that cannot be changed. There is a natural barrier that I keep...very very few crossed that bar..

....the barrier needs to be strengthened...the bar has to be raised... it is my insulation....

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i now allow myself to cry; actually i didnt have a choice...........the loss of a lifetime has to be faced... now, almost a year later... i cant compressed it any longer...

it is hard for people to understand... i lived for mum alot... i protected her as much as i could... so it is hard to find direction when she is gone.... i never allowed her to see that it would be a struggle to me when she is gone... i knew it would be very very hard... in that i did very well... she really wasnt worried becos i was always composed...

ironically, she said to sk, she thought i was attached and didnt tell her... and asked her to ask me... ironical, becos i started dressing 'better' becos that was what she wanted; she always said how can any of her daughters be 'ugly' , well really, compared to her beauty, i am. But I made effort toward her end days and bought alot of clothes that made her happy... so she thought i was dressing up and always so cheerful.... quite comically sad... i told sk, ya, tiger is my boyfriend.... well, at least, she went, without the extra pain of worrying for me...

But... i am still left....

when i drove to school for the trip to malacca, i struggled to fight the tears that welled as many thoughts barraged through... she would have loved such trips, and would be happy i allowed myself to open up and 'travel'...

as far as possible, i now avoid company. my internal brake is not working.....and somehow the waters may just flow....

new conflicts really did not help....sigh... whatever... i will get passed it....
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People talk about heart ruling mind or mind ruling heart. Someone said to me many many many years ago, I am ruled by my will. I realised that is fairly true. It is not to say I am wilful. I am not. I set my course, and however painful, I walked through. I sometimes dont know how I did it. But I did it...

I dont know if I am a heart or mind person. My reasoning is really far, far above the average. I never believed in love is blind. If you love, you should see clearly. Love is a heart and mind matter. Not just a heart matter. Believe me.

Most people see me as a mind person. One colleague said without the need to consider, you are 'li xin' which is strong in rationalised characteristic as opposed to 'gan xin' which is the 'feeling characteristic'

But I guess from the songs i identify with, the truth is, i am by nature and temperament, a heart person. Dad's traits in me, and the dealings of life has made me appear and live as a 'mind' person. Which makes things alot more difficult when the tumults and conflicts raged within.

The posting on 25 july 2010 with Sophocles quote helped me alot.... I remembered i wrote it becos i saw the kiddos blogs and their yearning for the happy times they missed in their mentor class.... and that brought alot of thoughts.

It helped because i wrote it and lived it. They are not glib's philosophy. They were my life's direction.

In the days ahead, there are alot of things I will miss that cant be retrieved because of time, because of events, of decisions.... and what is sad is that some things i had not valued because I had reservations, obstacles, mindset, and yes barriers.... and when the loss (which is many, sigh!) all come at the same time... it is overwhelming...

But I will pick up again...

I will, and MUST especially over these remaining days into a year of unknown....