End of November

Another roller-coaster month...

In many ways, this should have been a happy week/month cos all the events important to me turned out well, at least nothing went wrong. Convo was good; the GE presentation was so-so, but not too bad; the purchase of dakota is confirmed at 5 jan and all set to move within 6-8 jan; all other private matters that had problems due to my negligence were resolved, with a price (sigh!), but nevertheless the mechanics to resolve the issues were set in place. It is really not funny to deal with 3 solicitors in the last 2 months!

And with the confirmation of the place in Masters in NIE, I really should be happy that things are on course.

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Perhaps going downhill healthwise contributed to the despondency. Bad throat inflammation. Even doc says throat is very raw and inflamed. I knew my energy was sapped up by the time we reached convo. I needed rest but there wasnt time. Had to push on doggedly with the bridging, and non-preparedness for the presentation. And to top it all, tiger's pee had blood again yesterday, so the harrowing trip to the vet. The whole process is usually 3-4 hours, and his struggle made things so much more difficult.

But I guess, the bottom-line for this downcast frame was loss. I never take loss well. Someone said to me, you expected it, so you should be prepared for it. But things dont work out this way. I would need time to get over this.

Basically, I am not a person that allows many to cross the circumference into the inner circle. I have to admit, I dont trust usually. Which is why it takes me very very long to get over a hurt. Sometimes, it is against my better judgment. I should not get hurt so easily. I realise as one moves on in age, one tends to be more forebearing, and maybe indulgent. Generally, I am still pretty sharp in judgement. But silence is golden.

There is a circle of people that one is often with, because we think at the same frequency, and have the same pre-occupation. Again, my philosophy is be kind to everyone; observe who wants to learn, and help them; keep away from those that may bite you. Where people regard me well, I reciprocate, but not into the inner circle.

To cross that inner circle would usually take some time, definitely more than a year. To me, it is not the stating of the qualities of a person. It is not just how a person treats me. More important than how a person treats me, is how a person treats others. It is easy to criticise; to run-down those lesser than you. But to help, to be positive, to have the values of service not for the sake of self-regard is unusual. And not a one-off thing. That can be put-on. It must be over a length of time, and especially when the tide is rough. Consistency. And I regard that very highly. dk was like that.

To young people, I say, the above is a good measure to choose life-partner. Beauty, 'excitement' ,'interesting' are not sufficient good life-partner considerations.

Again there are people one highly regard but may not be one that we communicate well with. Somehow something is missing. Ease and comfortableness of communication is a factor that one cant really explain why. Sometimes, most of the time, it is others that are comfortable with me. I am rarely that comfortable to talk freely, though i can keep a conversation going all the time. I think I always have that invisible barrier up.

So, well, when such a rare person is found, and lost within the month of discovery, well, it is a loss. I say, month, because though I had known and regarded the person well for some time; but it was only within the month that the impact has been different.

Loss is a strange feeling. It makes one directionless; and helpless, and very very sad. Experience teaches not to deny the feeling; Will distance affects bonds? actually most of the time, yes.

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Whatever. Life goes on for others. I suddenly feel very aged and tired. VERY. I feel bewildered somehow. Lost, sad, down.....sigh! I really wished I had stuck by my earlier decision to reclusiveness and seclusiveness. This way, there would be less feeling of weariness. Less feeling of pain.

Note that pain, and hurt are 2 different things. Hurt caused pain, but pain is not always caused by hurt. As in this case, it is not a deliberate intention or callous deeds/words. It is a loss of something good. And that pain though aching, can be borne, because one hopes that the good person will bring the same goodness to others, though it is a loss to some. In life, someone has to gain, someone has to lose.

Sigh! Farewell friend.