A year....

Actually I have kept myself focused on the never-ending tasks... and try not to look behind the facade of events into the wheels of time grinding on... conscious that the clogs of time has almost reached an entire revolution of a year...

i cant bring myself to look back to this time last year... i was in hanoi... and the news came of the beginning of the end...

i had forced myself these few weeks to move out of my 'comfort' zone which is essentially only 4-5 places. I thought I was better. For the first time this year, I got myself a shirt. I do most of my shopping with mum. I had not gone to any of the shopping places for a long time.

Today I was at the market, and accidentally went to the vegetable stall that I have been avoiding. Alot of them are familiar with me, and mum. The lady said she hadnt seen me for a very long time, and asked how is my mother. I was caught off guard, and said, she is gone. I had to swallow the lump that immediately came up and bit my lips to hold back the flood...

My mind functions in two dimension; one focusing on the immediate goals; the other meandering over events this time last year. Its awfully painful.

Especially with the impending move.

sk was talking about having steamboat on 25 dec. I winced within. I remembered all too well 25 dec 2009, the last time that the whole family was together with mum... in lieu of the chinese new year that she didnt make it....
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Mr Soon is a plumbing/electrical/carpentry contractor I knew in the early 90s. He was doing work for a neighbour on chinese new year eve. I was rather impressed cos I had very very bad experience with contractors. Since then, he had been regular in helping me with all sorts of tasks for the various situations I undertook. That was for 20 years or so by now. He is now in his 70s?

I learnt one thing from him: whenever I asked him if a task is possible to be done, he will always counter with, why not? I have grown accustomed to hearing his lengthy stories, and learn from them. He has a soft spot for me, and go the extra mile to help out. He has ALOT of common sense and is actually extremely kind. I am depending on him to help out with my move.

It is an unbelieveably humongous task because there are alot of items at my place that should have been discarded long long time ago. And being totally on my own, with no help from any source make it more difficult. sk is not practical and never sees to things like that, nor know how to. I am so used to taking care of things that no one remembers that i also need to be taken care of. It is also partially age. I am not one that is easily daunted. But I am no longer as strong and nimble. Energy level is really very different.

Mr Soon somehow understands. I was in two minds whether to ask him cos I dont want him to strain himself. I keep reminding him that he is no longer young and dont try to act the hero. He laughed. He usually has indian workers helping him, and he speaks fluent tamil and malay! He told me he had cleared most of mum's stuff from the rooms and kitchen. I am thankful that he is still around to help me out.

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There are several things to see to this week that is vital. I must focus.

As term grinds to an end... I must brace myself for the inevitable billows that will engulf one into a whirlpool. I have to come through this... this time last year...creeping towards the first anniversary in about 79 days time...

there are some things in life you have to weather through on your own... each of us go through different furnace.... and through it, hopefully, we will be stronger and kinder to others.

Grant me grace, O God, that I may live and keep thy word...