October: the month of change and decision....

I had not written for a long time because it has been a roller coaster month....

6 october, came home and found blood stains here and there... but both cats seem normal. It was terribly worrying... and when i finally went to the back toilet and found a basin of bloody fluid, I didnt want to take anymore risk, and after alot of trouble, brought both cats to emergency vet. Plee was very kind to come over and helped me. Cant say I went to the best vet, but the cost was exhorbitant 400+. The sick cat turned out to be Tiger, and he had a cathetra placed in...That nite was a terrible nite for both me and the cats... very very distressing... tiger was very insecure with the funnel round his head, and dripping urine and blood everywhere... brownee hissed at me throughout for the trauma... a sleepless nite that sparked off migraine...

I was very grateful to sfl that came to help me out and brought us to the vet her cat goes to. I was so relieved when the vet, a pregnant indian lady looked at me and smiled, and said to me, I know you, you taught me in crescent. That was in 1990. She was leaving the clinic to deliver her baby the following week, but assured me that tiger would be under the best care of a very experienced vet who love cats. And so it was true. Dr Nathan has been really a caring maternal vet who listens.... a rare trait... and she actually would call back and give advice... the difference between one who has a heart and one who hasnt...

though things are not totally well, tiger has made progress... and i hope he would have many more years with me. I know we should not have favorites, but he is my favourite cat. When he is unwell, he wants to be around me.
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meantime, there was alot of saga over properties at my block... i can only say i am glad i am a teacher. I wont make it in the 'world' outside. Where is straightforward, honest dealings? To this date, despite the signing of contracts, I cant be certain if my apartment is really sold until it actually happens. It has really been a roller-coaster with things changing from day to day.

Through it all, I am thankful I always know where I stood. I came into this world with nothing. I will leave with nothing. Contentment with godliness is great gain.

The anxiety is great especially because I would need finance for my purchase. But anxiety cannot determine the outcome of anything that lies in the intent of the unknown.

Whatever. I hope my application to get the apartment 2 levels above sk would go well. This last week has seen unexpected turns that came out far more positive than I had expected. I only hope there will be no more negative turns in this aspect. It has got as far as it could go... the next month should determine the finality of the matter.

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If things turned out the way I hoped for, I should hope to move in Jan 2011. I truly feel my time is up at this place. But this is not to say, I wont miss RV.

I would miss it terribly. It was the place I was brought up from birth; a place of pain, tears, hurt, bewilderment.... vivid from childhood... that was not what it should be....

It was the place of my growth: a place of duty, of struggle, of determination, of the moulding of character....

And when I got the apartment above mum, at the age of 28, all on my own, it was a place of hope, of love, of care, of disappointments, of being very misunderstood; a place that at one time gave shelter to 10-11 people.... to finally my being alone, on my own.

Twenty years. No one will understand.
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I want to move on.

I need to move on.

I want to move out before cny. cny without mum is unbearable. And being here exacerbates that deep inward wound.

The new place is too big for me. And i worry about alot alot of things: of packing, of moving, of the cats adjusting, of my adjusting....of too much to handle...

But I must move on..... in every way

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Amidst all these, NIE letter came on thursday, my application to part time Masters of Education was accepted.

I must move on.... change are inevitable. I considered, and it was no difficulty to let go.
I know what I want for my remaining phase of life.

I want not to be a burden to anyone. That is vital.

And I want to be of service to the community. And yes, I want to teach.

That is my gift, almost my life. Anywhere, I will teach. When you have the gift in something, you know it. And you also know who teach because they care.

I worry about age alot, and the gap with the kids. But as long as the kids can still gain, I will teach. I taught the Y1s for a couple of weeks, and I think i still got through them. :)

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Next 2-3 months will be a time of waiting... I hope all loose ends can somehow be tied up in the neatest possible way.

It is very lonely to handle all matters on my own.

At the back of my mind, I worry for mdm f who is now on her third bout of treatment. And she wants to move in with me. I want to look after her too.... But I must focus, and get things in order first.

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In the LORD put I my trust. He alone is good, and his mercies endureth forever.