Not living in vain....

If I Can Stop One Heart From Breaking by Emily Dickinson

If I can stop one heart from breaking,I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin Unto his nest again, I shall not live in vain.
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I subscribed to a daily classic poetry and a daily quote email. I delete most. But find consolation and contemplations from some.

Struck by these verses, I found out more about Emily Dickinson. Quite a person. Reclusive. Seclusive.

Perhaps if I was not at the same time math trained that helped to instil practicality (alot!) and balance from the tilt to melancholy, i would have resorted to like manner reclusion and seclusion.

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What do i feel on Teachers Day? In some way, that perhaps i had not lived in vain.

My teaching life is divided into phase 1, the first 15 years; then 6 years of obscurity, interim; then phase 2, the last 4 years.

In phase 1, yes, teachers day did matter to me. That was the time most kids gave flowers. Crescent was near a market, and the kids would buy stalks of them. Presents were not allowed which was fine. I would go home with lots and lots of flowers. And that made mum happy. And I looked forward to it yearly.... youth with dedication naturally commands popularity.

Things were not the same at scgs. There were still flowers, but much less. I did have problem adjusting and had to continually reflect why and learn....I did remember some years getting nice bouquets. The main reason why I like them is because I could bring them back for mum. She loved flowers, and she was always happy to tell people that these flowers were from my students. It was through these gifts of flowers that I grew to love flowers myself. Although I always did like gardening.

But she always felt the kids liked me less at scgs. She didnt like me teaching there cos of the school social status. She measured them by flowers. I didnt. Times changed. Kids no longer expressed things the same way.

But I did learn that teachers days and all its gifts is meaningless if I failed as an educator. I saw education differently at scgs. Many grateful thanks to Ms Heng. She is a living example of an educator. Hence, I no longer thought much of Teachers Day. It mattered more that I have truly helped the kids...
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I have to admit, today I was very relieved there was no stalk of flowers. I cant take it. It would remind me too much that I couldnt give the flowers to mum anymore....

I am grateful, very grateful for the notes, and words written in notes, booklets, cards.... perhaps more this year, than any other year... i am a word person. Thanks for writing those notes....

yes, it is a consolation that at least some moments of my life, I had made some impact...that i had not lived in vain...
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Someone said to me, why dont you show when you are not ok....

how to show? what to show? so what if you show?
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Its going to be a difficult period to tide through the next few months....

Indah, sk maid left last sat. I was very sad. She is very sweet and helped alot in looking after mum toward the end.

Sulis, mine would be leaving 11 sept morning. These are the last of the maids trained by mum. The last of her cooking... and with sulis gone, it would be my first embarking on a life totally on my own. I had kept her to procrastinate facing this.... she isnt a good maid... but she had seen mum through her painful phase, and mum was very dependent on her in the final weeks... and she was very kind to mum. I will never forget that.

In 1994, near midnight, a student that was going through family upheavals, rang me sobbing. She said 'my maid is going back to Philippines. She was with me for 6 years...' I didnt know what to say. Her family was breaking up, and her mother was being as strong as she could... and the maid had been her companion. I only remembered I didnt know what to say. This scene replayed in my memory, now 16 years later....

I guess the impact is not as 'tragic'.... it is not sulis leaving per se...but the severance of one of the last strands connected to mum...

Meantime, i have yet to settle alot of things... alot more strands to severe, like her things, her apartment... i cant face it still... S1, B1, B2 cant understand...

its just me...

and i need to look for a new place...

experience teaches one, take one thing at a time...
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Looking back, I sometimes wonder how I ended up being so alone. I did make some misjudgements. Yet, I know in many ways, I am still not wrong in not marrying for the sake of doing so. Mum and Dad had felt bad that I had always put them as the main consideration that led to my remaining single.

Yes, they were always my consideration, but that was not the reason why I am on my own.

I had loved; I had been loved. But a soulmate, I didnt find.

I did wish sometimes I had my own family. But i still know all my decisions have been right. I know my values, and to me, the place of a woman is behind the man. Just as mum showed by example. 'Career' is totally not important to me. I would be as happy, being at home, raising up a family. I did want that. I was never ambitious. But it must be a man I respect for me to live for him and family. Though in weakness, I did wish I had 'compromise', ultimately, I know I am still right.

Fighting loneliness is better than fighting unhappiness.
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I only know, the Lord alone will never leave or forsake me.

And if "I can ease one life the aching,Or cool one pain,"... i would not have lived in vain.

Thank you.... expression of thanks in those little notes mean more than you realise....