remembrances...

bil fetched sk and me to the cemetery to visit mum, then to mandai columbarium to visit dad on sat...

on mum's tombstone, we carved in chinese, that she is of the 'Sie' family... she was never known as one. 50 years. in a way she didnt mind. i think.

sk said becos i am so like dad, mum sometimes couldnt stand it... i wished she didnt say that...

i am also very like mum in temperament and intuition. mum knew it also. i took alot of things quietly for her sake.

dad is very very very kind and dad really loved mum.

dreamt of dad last nite... it had been a very very long time...5 years, 6 years ago...i had woken up then crying...

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i can write. i cant talk. i hear others talking abt the past, events abt mum, or abt dad, but most of the time abt mum. Its their way of recalling, of expressing their grief, their feeling of loss. but i remained in silence. i dont know how to say? what to say? so many things unsaid.

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someone asked me recently if i want to talk. i said no. the past is past.

i also know it isnt. there are still accounts to be settled, moral debts that had not been paid.

its when i remember the Lord, and his mercies. be merciful.

its when i remember the kids, and want to see them happy and moving on...

there is no need for more loss... i will try to reconcile the conflicts...

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whatever. mum and dad did their best for me and sk...

dad really is one of the kindest man in the world, but he died full of regrets because of the hurts caused.

And mum was very very lucky to have been with him. She didnt think they were compatible. but actually they were... i miss them...i wished i had told them, i really love them.

I couldnt say and never said. i only hoped that by taking care of everything, they would know. I really hoped they really did know. I cared, but couldnt say it. I hope they knew. I really, really cared...