counting my blessings...

not feeling good (really feeling NOT good) had led to more pro-active moves...

1)seen a doc... recommended to a pain-care physiotherapist (saw her yesterday for 1.5hours)

(heard of myotherapy?).. ..aching all over my back for the treatment (she was totally amazed that all my muscles were in knots in so many places... i wasnt surprised... i did know i should have done something about it for a long time)

whatever... hope i would get down to some cardio exercise on my immobile bike that had not been used for more than a year! i hope this lady phsio can help me improve managing of pain...she was quite perceptive and accurately infered many things .....anyway all i want is some relief and help to get out of this pain cycle... if you are besetted by bad headaches for more than 20 yrs... well, managing it to get on with life is good enough for me...:)

2) definitely feels i really shd search for a place to move... and try to rent out mum's place in part. S1 asked me to do so a few days ago, rather than pay for the maintenance... i realise actually they had been quite kind not to bug me about clearing and renting/selling the place...

3) there is an issue abt getting a place near sk.....anyway it is a long story...the important thing is, it seems likely that i can 'free' my name to get a hdb near sk... i never wanted to push __about it, though i am harnassed by it. That it is likely to happen naturally is a relief to me.

4) having done much on my search for direction....with-out, and with-in....venturing out, and recoiling in, i think (unless a catastrophe happens), my direction for the next year is:

(a) move as near as poss to sk, ( S1 says she will move in with me, without lp!!!!, she prefers living with me to her daughter!!!!) , and share in building a positive family life for sk family and maybe be more involved in the community life there.

(b) i think i will work on, one more year, before embarking on a more community -based involvement which i hope i will commit to the end of my days...

(c) and where will i work?.... i think for the moment... i would stay where my heart is... :)

5) Rang mdm f, she is improving! her last 3 readings for cancer marker is within range! for pancreatic cancer, to last 2 years, and she is still moving about is really not usual. i am very thankful for every time i call her after 2-3 weeks interval, i never quite know what to expect. so i am happy for her...meeting her for lunch next sat.

6) And my countless blessings in having ls and ky;tiger and brownee; sk, bil, zg and zl; many many friends, colleagues and students; and the bonds with many, build up through likeminded values and kindness...

i am very very fortunate... i still miss mum terribly... but i know i must move on... and am glad to have had the space and time to recover...

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i both feel sorry and 'envy' young lives....

feel sorry becos things are so much more demanding, and life is anything but easy for them...

'envy' becos they have the life, and the energy to pursue their dreams.....i had expended mine, and no longer hope for fulfilment of dreams...

the only advice i can give you is: things sometimes are much better than you could possibly envisaged. I never thought, I could be in such contentment especially becos upheavals are the norms for me.

But you would need to be wise, realise when you are wrong, pull out (no matter how hard), and have the courage to do so. ..And be very patient and persevering to wait time out....

And alot of times, it is how you view and take things that make the difference. Be positive, and outward looking- it makes it easier for yourself, and others whom you come across in life's journey...