5 months and 10 days....

its been 5 months and 10 days without mum... to be more precise 164 days...

this week especially these few days have been quite unrestful... many images at her various stages of unwellness kept coming back... not that i deliberately think and give way to them... but in subconcious dreams and thoughts, they recur these past nites...

again and again, i wished i had done more to ease her sufferings... there is something childlike about her that makes one want to protect her... despite her being street wise, she is vulnearble...

i dont know if it is normal to feel so much pain this long... i can only say at least i have done my duty at work, and more than my duty often... at least i am not a burden to anyone in anyway at any time...at least i keep cheerful and i think kept others cheerful too...

Today ky told me dr kwok is retiring this month. Dr Kwok is our family dentist, and a very very good dentist whom i have seen for more than 30 years. But I did not go to him the past 6 months. Because all the memories of taking mum there will flood back. When i went to the clinic in april when I was unwell, i ended up crying because of the memories (and i dont usually cry...). The doctor gave me a whole load of medicine for depression which i did not take at all. No medicine can take away that terrible gnawing pain. I know it just had to be borne. I didnt tell anyone about the doctor visit. That itself was too painful...and what is too painful, its best not said at all...

I am sorry to lose Dr Kwok.

i guess its all the impending changes...I dont usually discuss plans with mum; our views, concerns, considerations differ, though of late we converged more than diverged. But once I decided, I would inform her, and give her my rationales. Usually by the time I do that, she knows me well enough that I have decided. And when I decide, thats it. Thats me... at least me in the past. And usually she will support, even with reservations. I miss doing that now...

It is strange, really strange how much and how deep a person affects us, is only known when the person is no longer with us. I am not one that takes anyone for granted. I really consider and reflect all the time... and value everyone.... i guess that is also why i am easily hurt... but i wont show...

I had always thought it was dad I was closer to. But I realised it is actually mum... dad was rational... but mum was intuitive... rational communicates to the mind... but intuitiveness touches the inner chord...

why a person affects us more than others is really inexplicable... i can only described it as intuitive...some people somehow affects me too much...
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O for time to mitigate; to ease ; to subdue; to be kind...

and for grace, courage, strength to tide through the tides of change...

i dont ask to do great things... i only wish my life to make a small mark in the lives of a few... and to live meaningfully for others to the end... and at the end, to be with the Lord.