June Break is almost gone....

except meeting up with a few good friends, i didnt move out of my 'safety zone' which is still my place and school... and now suddenly the break is gone... i realised i did not settle anything...

what have i been doing? writing, and writing.... u dont need company when u write, and you dont feel too lonely even when u are so alone...
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i had intended to use this break to clear mum's place with sk and had booked a long stretch of leave to do so.... But one short round with sk in the first week was more than enough for me, and i cancelled most of my leave... Had to go thru a second round when B1 and J2 came down to help the first fri of the break... and i dont want to clear any more....

i do not want to force myself to face the pain... i have lived my life, ruled by duty... by nature i am not disciplined... but by circumstance... i learnt discipline...and that is probably why i can distinguish between drive and discipline... i dont need to be so harsh with myself anymore, i think...

I knew earlier i was not ready for it... i was right... i needed more time... it doesnt seem to make any sense to let a place remain empty... i know ... i need time....

i think i will be pushed sooner or later... but till then, i dont have to push and cause pain to myself.

i try not to write about 'family' (apart from sk) anymore... ... some things will never be settled... and what never met can never meet....

childhood harms and hurts had left permanent breaches and scars... but i will always remember that through them all, I knew the grace of God.... i am not bitter, but....
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whatever. when i see every kid, i just want to see them happy and positive...to grow up happy and positive.

someone asked me how does it feel to have helped in building foundation for so many young people... i thought that was a good question... except i didnt think that much actually...

though i think alot, i am not a 'planner' or 'strategician'. Thats why i lose in all board games. I cant play chess. I hate to second guess what others intended move.
(sigh! i was introduced to the game blockus, and lost even though all the other players, all math teachers of course :(, tried to give way to 'help' me...)

i just know life is to be lived, and a child is to be taught and loved... thats all...

i have noticed how many 'illiterate' parents especially mothers are very much loved by their children. They didnt have high flown ideas, not having much education, but they showered their families with love, usually shown through cooking a good home meal... and their children grew up to love them even though they dont understand a thing about what their children are doing....

thats all it needs, love and care, and teaching of simple values, that do not need high sounding edcuation...
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sigh, june break is almost gone....