friends...

'Holidays' is a time for friends... i dont have many... but those i have, they are true friends...

3 weeks of june 'hols' is almost over.... have seen Mdm F twice.... quite heart-rending....but she is a brave lady, knowing her end is coming, and facing it positively. will be seeing her again soon... i have to acknowledge i need the strength and courage also to see her through this phase...

Met el today for breakfast at botanics... i arrived first... and recalled the 2 times i was here with mum... that was painful.

el is one of the very very very few that i can utter these words to her... she reminded me not to keep thinking of the things i didnt do for mum... remember there were many factors... mustnt go on like that... i told her not that i wanted to... but certain places, certain things, like that herbal soup at lunch some weeks ago... that choking feeling just come....

we talked for a good 4 hours... we shared many common bonds and values in education...we are not an extinct breed yet :) .... it was a very good time... very meaningful... i only wish i have more opportunity to pass on to the young... and hope there will yet be people that will catch the vision...

before we parted, she reminded of the many practical things she knows I would overlook to see to... thanks alot...

at the moment, prob wont do anything... i hope i will have until end next year to look for a place, before the enbloc takes over.... when it does, that is half a century of my home...... a house once full... i will be the only one that will be leaving it....

if i can be within walking dist from sk, then there will be a kind of 'family' nearer for me. Actually both sk and bil have asked me to move in, but tiger and brownee is my first consideration. They are at the 10th level, with no grilles etc, its too dangerous... also not fair to zl and zg...

Have been thinking these few weeks...Best not to rush...Somehow, there should be a way.

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was suppose to meet te tomorrow, but by a turn of events, we met for late lunch today instead.

whilst waiting for te, was fiddling and just entered blog, and was very pleasantly surprised to read dylan's note. it made my day!:) Not that he (or anyone) needed to say anything... they will mean the same to me always... but it was a sweet balm nevertheless

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another good exchange with te. another brave lady... and very kind... will miss her alot... we are the few early birds... but she is a young bird... hope she soars high...

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must open up my 'world'... it was possible to live in reclusion from others with mum around.

I know it is no longer possible... actually the problem is really me. old classmates had wanted to meet through the years, and i had declined... and they are really very nice people, brought up by the same values... i had felt inferior cos they came from very stable and well-to-do background... the contrast was very stark to me... the issue was myself...

kuech managed to get me to meet up with mag, and i guess i will open up more...

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te was surprised about me blogging and allowing it to be seen...

I told her why i set this blog up...firstly, writing is in my soul...

actually, coming to a school of hard sciences, it accentuates the difference between the 2 disciplines... i do love math, really for the subject itself, within my level... i didnt teach it becos it is a teaching subject... i really see math as a training of the mind... and there is beauty in numbers, in graphs... and i do get excited teaching it. :)

but i think my soul is incline toward the humanities... and this aspect is really stifled in systems. Creativity, liberty seem to run contrary to hard sciences... sigh!

my favourite subjects in school: math, chinese, literature... and subsequently from jc, economics...so i think, i am really very humanities based... and i guess that may be a reason for the vast differences in views sometimes.

secondly, it was the kids that helped me set up the blog...

actually, i knew mum will go... i knew i wont make it on my own out of the tunnel... i needed a cause to live for... and i dont see them often at all... it helps to remember the kids... to set an example especially when the troughs are very very low... and it helped me to encourage myself and push myself on in my thoughts and writing....

it is more than 4 months since mum is gone... and this blog has been my companion through many many many lonely days and nights, 130 to be precise.

i am actually thinking of getting a tv; but i was telling te, dont know whether i can stand watching tv on my own... used to do it with mum...

whatever... i must move on...

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i have been thinking these last couple of years abt community work and had hoped to do sth with 403, but there was a change in system, no longer by mentor class, so didnt worked out. Had been looking out what to do. Met ss last week, and he in turn asked me to inform him if i had any idea. Having given thought, some 'draft' plan came up. Bounced it to st yesterday and el today... was glad they were positive abt the plan... st thought the plan was interesting...

el thought it was viable and understood what i mean... i know i have the gift of teaching... as years will inevitably catch up, it would be impossible to take a system... but if i conduct classes on voluntary basis, and get inroads to the underprivileged for these classes, i can reach out to those who need it... and not be subject to systems... (actually materialising will not be that easy... but i am quite resourceful when i want to :) )

el advised me to shelf it first and get the Masters done. that will give more options in the latter years when some part-time income may be needed, and not just fall back on tuition. el is always wiser and more practical than me.

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friends are people u can have meaningful conversations; u can say something, u can say nothing, they understand...

friends are people we stand by and walk together....

there are friends that cant be with us; but u know they are friends....