misty ahead

sk and i went to mum's place and went through some things.... after barely 2 hours, we couldnt take it....

i cant understand how S1 etc can take going though her things to see what they can keep for themselves... its really painful... and sk also have difficulty

i will just let everyone take what they want, then get remover to move everything. i just want to keep her old sewing machine

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

i dont know why mum left such a deep impact... its not that she was kind to me...

from a child, i cant understand why she didnt like me and so obviously... i was really very badly bashed up, and some of her punishments were very cruel... but i always saw her sufferings and pain... and always want to protect her. Her remarks of me were always negative, if there were 8 things right, and 2 things wrong, she only harp on the the 2 things that were wrong.....one of the very few nice things she said of me was that i studied effortlessly..

Her regard and attitude of me changed when she saw how hard I worked as a tutor, and in all vacation jobs to bring something in for the family... I guess those years where income was uncertain all over again for her with dad's failed business must hit her hard and reminded her of her past poverty... things were only abit better when i started teaching but teaching pay was really very low then, and barely 5 years, dad went down with a stroke and was wheelchair bound 9 and a half years...

she has a very attractive personality and a very strong character.... i miss her ... i really do

-----------------------------------------------------------

enbloc sale talk is on again... i hate it but am resigned to it... i dont know how i am going to take it as part by part of the things that matter to me are taken from me.

i know to many this is a 'gain'... But to me, the depth of pain, despair and sadness cannot be described... it is a terrible loss to me....I was born here. I grew up here. I survived through life here...

i know well meaning people will tell me to move on, and look forward... i dont know where, i dont know how....

parents should bring up their children with love and care... really they should, they brought them into the world...

-----------------------------------------------------------

ahead is misty...very misty.... where is my direction? work has been some kind of direction

i know one thing, I have taken alot of things which I would never have taken: insults, sharp criticisms, negativism, hurts...partly due to inferiority over age, ability; sometimes to make peace; often because of consideration for person(s).

I dont want to be the butt of vents/ unreasonable expectations/ snappings of irascibility/ microscopic search of errors and negative criticism.

reminds me of the past with mum and dad about me... very little i do was right and good enough....

but i take it from them though it left such a terrible longing to win their regard, and their love...

I may have to walk into a mistiness without any path... I dont know if it is good not to have anyone to take care of anymore...

I will seek the Lord for my direction..

Psalmist says the LORD is the strength of his heart, and his portion forevermore... Let it be so for me in the way ahead...