26th May...

passing years....

what is a birthday?

i had to block out remembrance of mum's birthday this same month... sk and i intended to book dinner tables at shangri-la to celebrate her 80th birthday this year....she would have been happy about that.... it could not be materialised....

whether i like it or not, each day has got to be passed... and it reached 26th....

i know people who care try to make it 'special' for me....

4 nephews text me...and j2 took the trouble to send a vase of roses.... and wrote..."so sorry it took me 31 years to give you your first birthday present but more to come...love you..."

i have an affinity with j2. Actually i was least close with her becos j1 didnt like me, but as she grew up, she visited me once and she realised I was a cat lover...some 6 years back...then over her marriage, birth of t1..and t2.... i gave her support and she really married a nice chap which helped her grew up and was more concern abt family... mum also took to her, and felt secure with her... i was glad of that.

sk, ky, ls were as always constant...

in school, vl/hc wanted to arrange lunch/dinner but it was a busy day for me...not possible... rf made special breakfast which was touching, vl, rc, dc, cl arranged for cake; cam, kyc, nte put alot alot of smileys all over; sf got me sth..... it helps that pple show they care... i kept cheerful and focused throughout the day....

but alone back at my desk in the late hours... i cried...

its my first birthday without mum.... she did take the trouble to remember to get me something every year.... we dont really celebrate... i guess i am always uncomfortable abt being the focal... and between her and me, somehow, though i spent the most time with her, literally daily a few hours, unless i am not in spore... or very exceptional late nights... somehow we dont say much...

prob my fault.... sometimes it is almost like a silent movie..... i made up by being physically present... and i guess it helps still that i am around...

and she made up by getting me something to show she cares... actually both of us are really alike... in many ways....

its never going to be the same.... i knew it would be painful.... its just its awfully painful....